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1.) Swamp Fox - 01/25/2017
January 20, 2017, late in the afternoon, and an old man walks up to the White House gate and says, "I want to speak to President Obama!"
"I'm sorry, sir," says the guard, "but Mr Obama is no longer the President."
The old man just turns and walks away. But the next day he's back with the same demand, and gets the same response.
This goes on for an entire week. Finally, the guard says, "Sir, I'm not sure I'm getting through to you. How can I make you understand that Mr Obama is no longer the President?"
"Oh, I understand just fine," says the man. "I just like hearing it."
"I'm sorry, sir," says the guard, "but Mr Obama is no longer the President."
The old man just turns and walks away. But the next day he's back with the same demand, and gets the same response.
This goes on for an entire week. Finally, the guard says, "Sir, I'm not sure I'm getting through to you. How can I make you understand that Mr Obama is no longer the President?"
"Oh, I understand just fine," says the man. "I just like hearing it."
2.) DParker - 01/25/2017
:laugh:
3.) bluecat - 01/25/2017
+3 :-)
4.) bluecat - 01/25/2017
I heard this on the news today so I'm going off of memory, but a man asked when the womans march was over on Saturday so he could get his meal cooked. He said it as a joke, but everyone was just outraged.
5.) Swamp Fox - 01/25/2017
LOL...Yeah, I saw that at lunch. I think it was a meme he tweeted out, but I can't find it right now. I'll put it on the to-do list. :-)
There's another meme about the march which is pretty damn funny out there, but I haven't decided yet whether I really want to put it up...:p
There's another meme about the march which is pretty damn funny out there, but I haven't decided yet whether I really want to put it up...:p
6.) Swamp Fox - 01/26/2017
.....
7.) bluecat - 01/26/2017
+ 10
That's a very high score btw.
That's a very high score btw.
8.) DParker - 01/26/2017
A co-worker showed me that one yesterday. Those are almost always pretty funny.
9.) Bob Peck - 01/26/2017
SF, That Bad Lip Reading was hilarious! Thanks for the post! Still laughing ... "Thank you my prince ..." Killed me. :laugh:
10.) DParker - 01/26/2017
[video=youtube;meKoljvl4eU]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meKoljvl4eU&feature=youtu.be[/video]
11.) Swamp Fox - 01/27/2017
:-)....
12.) Swamp Fox - 01/27/2017
While Hillary Clinton was Secretary of State, she became pregnant with twins. I know you're wondering how it happened, but that's not important right now.
Anyway, Bill didn't want the children and Hillary thought they would ruin her chances of winning the presidency, so they decided to put them up for adoption. They soon found that everyone thought one Clinton in any white house was more than enough, and not even people of color wanted a second. So since they couldn't place the children together, one child went to a family in Libya, who named him Amal, and the other child went to a family in Mexico, who named him Juan.
After the election, the family in Mexico sent Hillary a picture of Juan to try to cheer her up. Hillary told Bill she wished she had a picture of her other child, too.
Bill said, "Maybe they'll make a video, or you can send them an email. But really, Hills, they're twins: Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Anyway, Bill didn't want the children and Hillary thought they would ruin her chances of winning the presidency, so they decided to put them up for adoption. They soon found that everyone thought one Clinton in any white house was more than enough, and not even people of color wanted a second. So since they couldn't place the children together, one child went to a family in Libya, who named him Amal, and the other child went to a family in Mexico, who named him Juan.
After the election, the family in Mexico sent Hillary a picture of Juan to try to cheer her up. Hillary told Bill she wished she had a picture of her other child, too.
Bill said, "Maybe they'll make a video, or you can send them an email. But really, Hills, they're twins: Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
13.) bluecat - 01/27/2017
-2 :tap:
14.) Swamp Fox - 01/27/2017
LOL...
15.) DParker - 01/27/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;46900]While Hillary Clinton was Secretary of State, she became pregnant with twins. I know you're wondering how it happened...[/QUOTE]
Actually I'm desperately trying to conjure up an endless stream of pleasant mental images in order to crowd out even the thought of Hillary becoming pregnant.
Actually I'm desperately trying to conjure up an endless stream of pleasant mental images in order to crowd out even the thought of Hillary becoming pregnant.
16.) Swamp Fox - 01/27/2017
Not helping? ----How about we focus on the scenery?
17.) Swamp Fox - 01/30/2017
Hillary and Donald Trump are out walking on Fifth Avenue one day when they decide to stop in a donut shop. They're admiring all the goodies when Hillary grabs three glazed and stuffs them in her handbag. No one in the shop sees it happen, apparently. It's possible everyone in the shop was a Democrat.
Hillary whispers to Trump, "See, I'm so clever I can do things like that and get away with it. I don't even need to lie when no one's paying attention, so I've got that going for me, which is nice."
Trump says, "That's nothing. I bet I can get three donuts in plain sight and no one will care. Watch this."
He calls the shop owner over and says, "If you give me a donut, I'll show you a magic trick." The owner gives him a donut, and Trump eats it.
"Now, another one," he says, and the man gives Trump a second donut and he swallows that one, too.
Trump asks for a third donut, and though the owner is now wondering when the magic is gonna happen, he hands the Donald a third glazed.
Trump wolfs down the third donut, licks his fingers, and says, "Ta-da!"
Thoroughly confused, the shop owner asks, "But what's the trick?"
Trump smiles, puts his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "Look in Hillary's purse."
Hillary whispers to Trump, "See, I'm so clever I can do things like that and get away with it. I don't even need to lie when no one's paying attention, so I've got that going for me, which is nice."
Trump says, "That's nothing. I bet I can get three donuts in plain sight and no one will care. Watch this."
He calls the shop owner over and says, "If you give me a donut, I'll show you a magic trick." The owner gives him a donut, and Trump eats it.
"Now, another one," he says, and the man gives Trump a second donut and he swallows that one, too.
Trump asks for a third donut, and though the owner is now wondering when the magic is gonna happen, he hands the Donald a third glazed.
Trump wolfs down the third donut, licks his fingers, and says, "Ta-da!"
Thoroughly confused, the shop owner asks, "But what's the trick?"
Trump smiles, puts his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "Look in Hillary's purse."
18.) bluecat - 01/30/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;46954]Hillary and Donald Trump are out walking on Fifth Avenue one day when they decide to stop in a donut shop. They're admiring all the goodies when Hillary grabs three glazed and stuffs them in her handbag. No one in the shop sees it happen, apparently. It's possible everyone in the shop was a Democrat.
Hillary whispers to Trump, "See, I'm so clever I can do things like that and get away with it. I don't even need to lie when no one's paying attention, [B]so I've got that going for me, which is nice[/B]."
Trump says, "That's nothing. I bet I can get three donuts in plain sight and no one will care. Watch this."
He calls the shop owner over and says, "If you give me a donut, I'll show you a magic trick." The owner gives him a donut, and Trump eats it.
"Now, another one," he says, and the man gives Trump a second donut and he swallows that one, too.
Trump asks for a third donut, and though the owner is now wondering when the magic is gonna happen, he hands the Donald a third glazed.
Trump wolfs down the third donut, licks his fingers, and says, "Ta-da!"
Thoroughly confused, the shop owner asks, "But what's the trick?"
Trump smiles, puts his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "Look in Hillary's purse."[/QUOTE]
+ 2 :wink
Hillary whispers to Trump, "See, I'm so clever I can do things like that and get away with it. I don't even need to lie when no one's paying attention, [B]so I've got that going for me, which is nice[/B]."
Trump says, "That's nothing. I bet I can get three donuts in plain sight and no one will care. Watch this."
He calls the shop owner over and says, "If you give me a donut, I'll show you a magic trick." The owner gives him a donut, and Trump eats it.
"Now, another one," he says, and the man gives Trump a second donut and he swallows that one, too.
Trump asks for a third donut, and though the owner is now wondering when the magic is gonna happen, he hands the Donald a third glazed.
Trump wolfs down the third donut, licks his fingers, and says, "Ta-da!"
Thoroughly confused, the shop owner asks, "But what's the trick?"
Trump smiles, puts his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "Look in Hillary's purse."[/QUOTE]
+ 2 :wink
19.) DParker - 01/30/2017
LOL!
20.) Swamp Fox - 01/31/2017
21.) DParker - 01/31/2017
Crawfish pi?
22.) Swamp Fox - 01/31/2017
Why yes, I believe I will...
23.) Swamp Fox - 02/01/2017
Boudreaux was coming out of the woods late one morning when he saw the game warden waiting for him at his truck.
Boudreaux sauntered over and the warden asked him what he was up to back in the woods.
“Squirrel hunting,” said Boudreaux, and hefted the burlap sack he had over his shoulder.
But Boudreaux had no gun with him, and the warden didn’t believe him.
“Look,” said Boudreaux, and opened the sack for the warden to see. Sure enough, Boudreaux had a mess of squirrels in there.
“But you don’t have a gun, Boudreaux, or even a slingshot. How did you kill all those squirrels?”
Boudreaux explained that he could kill things just by looking at them a certain way, and again the warden wouldn’t believe him.
Just then, a squirrel crept out of a hole and onto a branch above them, and Boudreaux said, “Watch this.”
He bore down on the squirrel with a look, and sure enough the squirrel went limp and came tumbling down. Boudreaux calmly picked the squirrel up, showed the warden it was dead as a hammer, and put it in his sack with the others.
“That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen!” exclaimed the warden. “I’ve never known anyone who could do that.”
“Well, you should meet my wife,” said Boudreaux. “I used to bring her hunting with me, but she messed them up too bad.”
Boudreaux sauntered over and the warden asked him what he was up to back in the woods.
“Squirrel hunting,” said Boudreaux, and hefted the burlap sack he had over his shoulder.
But Boudreaux had no gun with him, and the warden didn’t believe him.
“Look,” said Boudreaux, and opened the sack for the warden to see. Sure enough, Boudreaux had a mess of squirrels in there.
“But you don’t have a gun, Boudreaux, or even a slingshot. How did you kill all those squirrels?”
Boudreaux explained that he could kill things just by looking at them a certain way, and again the warden wouldn’t believe him.
Just then, a squirrel crept out of a hole and onto a branch above them, and Boudreaux said, “Watch this.”
He bore down on the squirrel with a look, and sure enough the squirrel went limp and came tumbling down. Boudreaux calmly picked the squirrel up, showed the warden it was dead as a hammer, and put it in his sack with the others.
“That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen!” exclaimed the warden. “I’ve never known anyone who could do that.”
“Well, you should meet my wife,” said Boudreaux. “I used to bring her hunting with me, but she messed them up too bad.”
24.) bluecat - 02/01/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;46963][/QUOTE]
pi's are squared? These pi's are round.
[/QUOTE]pi's are squared? These pi's are round.
25.) DParker - 02/01/2017
OK, I promised myself I was never going to do this, but...
+2 on both.
+2 on both.
26.) bluecat - 02/01/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;46969]OK, I promised myself I was never going to do this, but...
+2 on both.[/QUOTE]
It gets easier.
+2 on both.[/QUOTE]
It gets easier.
27.) DParker - 02/01/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;46970]It gets easier.[/QUOTE]
That's what I'm afraid of. :p
That's what I'm afraid of. :p
28.) Swamp Fox - 02/01/2017
LOL...
You'll be okay if you bear in mind that our comedy rating system is like Sexy Goldilocks and her bowl of porridge: Strive for not too hot, not too cold, but just right.
(See what I did there? :grin::grin:)
You'll be okay if you bear in mind that our comedy rating system is like Sexy Goldilocks and her bowl of porridge: Strive for not too hot, not too cold, but just right.
(See what I did there? :grin::grin:)
29.) DParker - 02/01/2017
This is why Halloween is the best holiday of all.
30.) Swamp Fox - 02/01/2017
LOL...That's what I've always said...
31.) bluecat - 02/01/2017
She can sleep in my bed any time.
32.) Swamp Fox - 02/02/2017
A traveling salesman rolls into Atlanta one night and goes straight to the nearest brothel. He pulls out his wallet, empties it of cash and credit cards, pushes it all over to the madam and says, "Here, take everything I’ve got. Give me the meanest woman you can find and ask her to make me a grilled cheese sandwich.”
“Honey,” says the madam, “For this kind of money, you could have the sweetest, sexiest young thing in the house and a good meal. But you’d have to go to a restaurant for that part. Most of our girls don’t know how to cook, and the ones who do, won’t.”
The salesman says, “I knew you were going to say that. That’s why I’m here.”
The madam says to him, “What are you?...Some kind of nut?”
“No, ma’am,” replies the salesman. “I’m just really, really homesick.”
“Honey,” says the madam, “For this kind of money, you could have the sweetest, sexiest young thing in the house and a good meal. But you’d have to go to a restaurant for that part. Most of our girls don’t know how to cook, and the ones who do, won’t.”
The salesman says, “I knew you were going to say that. That’s why I’m here.”
The madam says to him, “What are you?...Some kind of nut?”
“No, ma’am,” replies the salesman. “I’m just really, really homesick.”
33.) bluecat - 02/02/2017
:wink
34.) bluecat - 02/02/2017
There are different versions of this joke. Maybe you've heard it.
Paul, who had led a caring, kind life was contacted by God one Morning.
"Paul, Said God..for your caring life, I'm going to grant you one wish...only one".
"Cool!..said Paul..Ah..umm..Oh..I know..I wish for a Highway to be built between San Francisco and Hawaii"
God said: "Geez..That's a big wish..I mean, I'd have to put Thousands of pilings all the way down to the Ocean's Floor which in some places would be 10,000 Feet deep...Don't get me wrong..I CAN do it, after all I'm God...but..isn't there something else that you would want that wouldn't be such a Hassle for me?"
Well..said Paul..."I Know!....Make it so I understand Women completely, How they Feel and how they think and their every desire!"
God Paused..looked at Paul and said:
"Ahhh..You want that Highway 2 lane or 4 lane?"
Paul, who had led a caring, kind life was contacted by God one Morning.
"Paul, Said God..for your caring life, I'm going to grant you one wish...only one".
"Cool!..said Paul..Ah..umm..Oh..I know..I wish for a Highway to be built between San Francisco and Hawaii"
God said: "Geez..That's a big wish..I mean, I'd have to put Thousands of pilings all the way down to the Ocean's Floor which in some places would be 10,000 Feet deep...Don't get me wrong..I CAN do it, after all I'm God...but..isn't there something else that you would want that wouldn't be such a Hassle for me?"
Well..said Paul..."I Know!....Make it so I understand Women completely, How they Feel and how they think and their every desire!"
God Paused..looked at Paul and said:
"Ahhh..You want that Highway 2 lane or 4 lane?"
35.) Swamp Fox - 02/02/2017
LOL...That reminds me of the saying, "Don't try to understand women. Women understand women, and they hate each other."
36.) Swamp Fox - 02/02/2017
Two women arrive at the gates of heaven, and while they're waiting to see if they get in, they get to talking.
"How'd you die?" asks the first woman.
"I froze to death," says the other.
"That's awful!"
"It wasn't so bad," the other replies. "After I stopped shivering, I began to feel sleepy, and then I just drifted off in no pain. It was a peaceful death. How about you?"
"Oh, I died suddenly of a massive heart attack, unfortunately," says the other woman. "I was so convinced my husband was cheating on me I came home early one day to try to catch him in the act, but he was just sitting in the living room in his underwear, as usual, like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. But I just had it in my head that he was a no-good dirty dog, and I ran all over the house looking for some little slut who had to be there somewhere! I ran down in the basement and I ran out in the garage and then I ran upstairs and looked in every closet and behind all the doors and under the beds and then I just blew a gasket and my heart gave out."
"Too bad," said the other woman. "You should have looked in the freezer and we might both be alive."
"How'd you die?" asks the first woman.
"I froze to death," says the other.
"That's awful!"
"It wasn't so bad," the other replies. "After I stopped shivering, I began to feel sleepy, and then I just drifted off in no pain. It was a peaceful death. How about you?"
"Oh, I died suddenly of a massive heart attack, unfortunately," says the other woman. "I was so convinced my husband was cheating on me I came home early one day to try to catch him in the act, but he was just sitting in the living room in his underwear, as usual, like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. But I just had it in my head that he was a no-good dirty dog, and I ran all over the house looking for some little slut who had to be there somewhere! I ran down in the basement and I ran out in the garage and then I ran upstairs and looked in every closet and behind all the doors and under the beds and then I just blew a gasket and my heart gave out."
"Too bad," said the other woman. "You should have looked in the freezer and we might both be alive."
37.) bluecat - 02/02/2017
:ach:
38.) Swamp Fox - 02/03/2017
Thank you, Thank you...Thank you very much...I'll be here all week...Try the veal.
39.) bluecat - 02/03/2017
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
40.) DParker - 02/03/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;46985]An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."[/QUOTE]
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."[/QUOTE]
41.) bluecat - 02/03/2017
:-) :wink
42.) bluecat - 02/03/2017
:-):-)
43.) bluecat - 02/03/2017
:laugh:
44.) DParker - 02/03/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;46989]
:laugh:[/QUOTE]
That's my favorite skit from that show. Kinda' reminiscent of the gym teacher character he did on Mad TV.
:laugh:[/QUOTE]
That's my favorite skit from that show. Kinda' reminiscent of the gym teacher character he did on Mad TV.
45.) bluecat - 02/03/2017
I remember those skits. I hate that the show is no longer.
46.) bluecat - 02/03/2017
:-):-)
47.) DParker - 02/03/2017
Bunny Swan FTW!
48.) DParker - 02/03/2017
Lorraine was awesome too...
49.) bluecat - 02/04/2017
Good one. I enjoyed those Stewart sketches.
50.) DParker - 02/04/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;46996]Good one. I enjoyed those Stewart sketches.[/QUOTE]
"Look what [B][I]I[/I][/B] can do!"
"Look what [B][I]I[/I][/B] can do!"
51.) Swamp Fox - 02/05/2017
LOL...
Some of that is gold...Don't hate me if I steal it...LOL
On a serious note, and to tickle everyone's trivia bone:
Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix of the Packers got his nickname because nobody could/would pronounce his name the way whoever named him intended. His given name is Ha-Sean for some reason, and whoever was in charge at the time thought that should be pronounced Ha-Seen, but of course anybody who has ever seen the name "Sean" before pronounces it "Ha- Shawn" the way God and St. Patrick intended.
So I guess instead of fighting the man, most everybody gave up and started calling him Ha-Ha, which apparently he's cool with, LOL.
Some of that is gold...Don't hate me if I steal it...LOL
On a serious note, and to tickle everyone's trivia bone:
Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix of the Packers got his nickname because nobody could/would pronounce his name the way whoever named him intended. His given name is Ha-Sean for some reason, and whoever was in charge at the time thought that should be pronounced Ha-Seen, but of course anybody who has ever seen the name "Sean" before pronounces it "Ha- Shawn" the way God and St. Patrick intended.
So I guess instead of fighting the man, most everybody gave up and started calling him Ha-Ha, which apparently he's cool with, LOL.
52.) The Old Man - 02/06/2017
Ben and Joe, two avid golfers, were on the third hole of their regular Wednesday afternoon round and were behind a twosome of women that were playing awfully slow.
Ben finally said he’d go up and ask the women if they could play through. He walked halfway up to them, stopped, turned around, and went back to the tee box. Joe asked what was up. Ben said “I can’t ask them because one them is my wife and the other is my mistress”.
At the next tee box Joe said he’d had enough and he’d go ask to play through. He got halfway up to them, stopped, turned around, walked back, and said to Ben “Small world, isn’t it?”
Ben finally said he’d go up and ask the women if they could play through. He walked halfway up to them, stopped, turned around, and went back to the tee box. Joe asked what was up. Ben said “I can’t ask them because one them is my wife and the other is my mistress”.
At the next tee box Joe said he’d had enough and he’d go ask to play through. He got halfway up to them, stopped, turned around, walked back, and said to Ben “Small world, isn’t it?”
53.) DParker - 02/06/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;46999]Ben and Joe, two avid golfers, were on the third hole of their regular Wednesday afternoon round and were behind a twosome of women that were playing awfully slow.
Ben finally said he’d go up and ask the women if they could play through. He walked halfway up to them, stopped, turned around, and went back to the tee box. Joe asked what was up. Ben said “I can’t ask them because one them is my wife and the other is my mistress”.
At the next tee box Joe said he’d had enough and he’d go ask to play through. He got halfway up to them, stopped, turned around, walked back, and said to Ben “Small world, isn’t it?”[/QUOTE]
:grin:
Ben finally said he’d go up and ask the women if they could play through. He walked halfway up to them, stopped, turned around, and went back to the tee box. Joe asked what was up. Ben said “I can’t ask them because one them is my wife and the other is my mistress”.
At the next tee box Joe said he’d had enough and he’d go ask to play through. He got halfway up to them, stopped, turned around, walked back, and said to Ben “Small world, isn’t it?”[/QUOTE]
:grin:
54.) Swamp Fox - 02/06/2017
LOL...Good one.
55.) Swamp Fox - 02/06/2017
Three men die and go to heaven where it has been decreed that to each will be given a vehicle to use according to his deeds.
The first man arrives and St. Peter asks "How long were you married?"
"Twenty years," he answers.
"And how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Five times," he says.
"So be it," says St. Peter. "You may enter, but you will receive only a used Toyota Corolla."
The second man arrives and St. Peter asks the same question: "How many years were you married?"
"Forty years," the man answers.
"And you cheated on your wife how many times?" St. Peter asks.
"Only twice, St. Peter, and I’m ashamed of myself,” the man says.
"Okay, you may enter. Here are the keys to a Buick a little old lady only drove on Sundays."
Finally, it’s the third man’s turn and St. Peter asks the same questions.
The man answers proudly, "I was married for 60 years!"
When asked if he ever cheated on his wife, he proclaims, "Never! I would never do that!”
Peter is very impressed, and hands him the keys to a Ferrari.
"Enjoy!” St. Peter exclaims. “You deserve this!"
One day a number of years later, as the first and second man are driving their cars down heaven’s main drag, they come across the third man crying by the side of the road.
They stop and ask him, "What's the matter, buddy? Something wrong with the Ferrari?"
"No,” says the man, wiping away tears. "I just passed my wife a few blocks back, and she was riding a unicycle."
The first man arrives and St. Peter asks "How long were you married?"
"Twenty years," he answers.
"And how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Five times," he says.
"So be it," says St. Peter. "You may enter, but you will receive only a used Toyota Corolla."
The second man arrives and St. Peter asks the same question: "How many years were you married?"
"Forty years," the man answers.
"And you cheated on your wife how many times?" St. Peter asks.
"Only twice, St. Peter, and I’m ashamed of myself,” the man says.
"Okay, you may enter. Here are the keys to a Buick a little old lady only drove on Sundays."
Finally, it’s the third man’s turn and St. Peter asks the same questions.
The man answers proudly, "I was married for 60 years!"
When asked if he ever cheated on his wife, he proclaims, "Never! I would never do that!”
Peter is very impressed, and hands him the keys to a Ferrari.
"Enjoy!” St. Peter exclaims. “You deserve this!"
One day a number of years later, as the first and second man are driving their cars down heaven’s main drag, they come across the third man crying by the side of the road.
They stop and ask him, "What's the matter, buddy? Something wrong with the Ferrari?"
"No,” says the man, wiping away tears. "I just passed my wife a few blocks back, and she was riding a unicycle."
56.) bluecat - 02/06/2017
:-) "That's gold Jerry, gold"
57.) bluecat - 02/06/2017
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said,
"Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said,
"Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
58.) DParker - 02/06/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;47004]"...I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now."[/QUOTE]
I'm betting that in most parts of MS that would have actually been the first call.
I'm betting that in most parts of MS that would have actually been the first call.
59.) DParker - 02/06/2017
OK, let me try one.....
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
60.) bluecat - 02/06/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;47005]I'm betting that in most parts of MS that would have actually been the first call.[/QUOTE]
+2 :grin:
+2 :grin:
61.) bluecat - 02/06/2017
for you DP
62.) DParker - 02/06/2017
Well, this is embarrassing. I didn't get you [I]anything[/I]. :-)
63.) bluecat - 02/07/2017
I'm the one embarrassed. How could I have misread those signals? :cf: I feel like such a fool.
64.) The Old Man - 02/07/2017
I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, “A folding bottle.”
She said, “Okay, what do you call it?”
“A Fottle.”
“What else do you have?”
“A folding carton.” “What do you call it?”
“A Farton.”
She sniggered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, “A folding bottle.”
She said, “Okay, what do you call it?”
“A Fottle.”
“What else do you have?”
“A folding carton.” “What do you call it?”
“A Farton.”
She sniggered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
65.) DParker - 02/07/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;47011]I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, “A folding bottle.”
She said, “Okay, what do you call it?”
“A Fottle.”
“What else do you have?”
“A folding carton.” “What do you call it?”
“A Farton.”
She sniggered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.[/QUOTE]
Was this the patent office in Nantucket?
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, “A folding bottle.”
She said, “Okay, what do you call it?”
“A Fottle.”
“What else do you have?”
“A folding carton.” “What do you call it?”
“A Farton.”
She sniggered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.[/QUOTE]
Was this the patent office in Nantucket?
66.) Swamp Fox - 02/07/2017
:applause::applause::applause:
I've always wanted to travel all around Thailand, but I can't find time to do everything else what I want to do, so I just came up with a Phuket list.
I've always wanted to travel all around Thailand, but I can't find time to do everything else what I want to do, so I just came up with a Phuket list.
67.) Swamp Fox - 02/07/2017
Was gonna post this yesterday, but you jokers were doing such a good job, I didn't want to interrupt. I figured one more day...Almost everyone would still get the reference:
68.) DParker - 02/07/2017
69.) The Old Man - 02/08/2017
I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home... She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away.
70.) Swamp Fox - 02/08/2017
You're a bad, bad man...LOL
71.) Swamp Fox - 02/08/2017
A man and his wife drive by a guy bumming for money from motorists at an intersection every day. One day the wife says, "You know, I think tomorrow I'll bring that man a homemade meal."
The husband stares straight ahead through the windshield and says, "Why? What did that poor guy ever do to us?"
The husband stares straight ahead through the windshield and says, "Why? What did that poor guy ever do to us?"
72.) bluecat - 02/08/2017
man, couch, couch, man.
73.) bluecat - 02/08/2017
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice said, "Honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
His wife said crying, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store".
He said, "Well I'm in the bar right next to it".
Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice said, "Honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
His wife said crying, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store".
He said, "Well I'm in the bar right next to it".
74.) Swamp Fox - 02/08/2017
:laugh:
75.) The Old Man - 02/08/2017
:hb::ach:
76.) Swamp Fox - 02/09/2017
The only thing better than Elizabeth Warren's grandstanding on the Senate floor being shut down is imagining her getting shut down for quoting Rachel Dolezal instead of Coretta Scott King.
77.) The Old Man - 02/09/2017
[ATTACH]554[/ATTACH]^
78.) The Old Man - 02/09/2017
HOMESICK SNOWBIRD
At The Villages in Florida last week,
there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:*
"I miss Chicago."*
Someone broke the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four tires,
added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read:
*
"Hope this helps"
At The Villages in Florida last week,
there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:*
"I miss Chicago."*
Someone broke the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four tires,
added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read:
*
"Hope this helps"
79.) Swamp Fox - 02/09/2017
LMAO!
+3
+3
80.) bluecat - 02/09/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47047]
The only thing better than Elizabeth Warren's grandstanding on the Senate floor being shut down is imagining her getting shut down for quoting Rachel Dolezal instead of Coretta Scott King.[/QUOTE]
Oh snap! + 4 burn roux
The only thing better than Elizabeth Warren's grandstanding on the Senate floor being shut down is imagining her getting shut down for quoting Rachel Dolezal instead of Coretta Scott King.[/QUOTE]
Oh snap! + 4 burn roux
81.) bluecat - 02/09/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;47049]HOMESICK SNOWBIRD
At The Villages in Florida last week,
there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:*
"I miss Chicago."*
Someone broke the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four tires,
added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read:
*
"Hope this helps"[/QUOTE]
Just so you know "The Old Man" you can cash in your points at the end of the calendar year. The list of prizes doesn't come out till late November. Points do roll over if you want some of the more expensive items on the list.
At The Villages in Florida last week,
there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:*
"I miss Chicago."*
Someone broke the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four tires,
added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read:
*
"Hope this helps"[/QUOTE]
Just so you know "The Old Man" you can cash in your points at the end of the calendar year. The list of prizes doesn't come out till late November. Points do roll over if you want some of the more expensive items on the list.
82.) bluecat - 02/09/2017
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said,
"Your timing is excellent! We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL550 and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, your meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have to, as part of your job assignment, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed by now said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it
He marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said,
"Your timing is excellent! We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL550 and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, your meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have to, as part of your job assignment, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed by now said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it
83.) Swamp Fox - 02/09/2017
LOL...That's a classic.
+3
+3
84.) DParker - 02/09/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;47049]HOMESICK SNOWBIRD
At The Villages in Florida last week,
there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:*
"I miss Chicago."*
Someone broke the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four tires,
added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read:
*
"Hope this helps"[/QUOTE]
:laugh:
At The Villages in Florida last week,
there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:*
"I miss Chicago."*
Someone broke the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four tires,
added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read:
*
"Hope this helps"[/QUOTE]
:laugh:
85.) DParker - 02/09/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;47059]A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said,
"Your timing is excellent! We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL550 and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, your meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have to, as part of your job assignment, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed by now said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it[/QUOTE]
:grin: I've somehow managed to miss that one all these years. Excellent.
He marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said,
"Your timing is excellent! We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL550 and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, your meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have to, as part of your job assignment, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed by now said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it[/QUOTE]
:grin: I've somehow managed to miss that one all these years. Excellent.
86.) DParker - 02/09/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;47052]Oh snap! + 4 burn roux[/QUOTE]
My favorites are the nicknames for Shaun "I'm as white as Pat Boone but am pretending to be black" King:
Talcum X
Muhammed Ali G
Martin Luther Cream
My favorites are the nicknames for Shaun "I'm as white as Pat Boone but am pretending to be black" King:
Talcum X
Muhammed Ali G
Martin Luther Cream
87.) Swamp Fox - 02/09/2017
Okay, I get #s 1 and 3, but you gotta 'splain "Muhammed Ali G" to me.
88.) Swamp Fox - 02/09/2017
Like Kenny G?
89.) Swamp Fox - 02/09/2017
Okay, I figured it out.
[url]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ali_G[/url]
I think i saw something about this a few years ago, but obviously it didn't stick with me. Is SBC hitting on much anymore? I hardly ever hear anything about him since [I]Borat.[/I]
[url]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ali_G[/url]
I think i saw something about this a few years ago, but obviously it didn't stick with me. Is SBC hitting on much anymore? I hardly ever hear anything about him since [I]Borat.[/I]
90.) Swamp Fox - 02/09/2017
91.) DParker - 02/09/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47069]Okay, I figured it out.
[url]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ali_G[/url]
I think i saw something about this a few years ago, but obviously it didn't stick with me. Is SBC hitting on much anymore? I hardly ever hear anything about him since [I]Borat.[/I][/QUOTE]
To the best of my knowledge, [I]Borat[/I] was the last thing he did that was worth knowing about.
[url]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ali_G[/url]
I think i saw something about this a few years ago, but obviously it didn't stick with me. Is SBC hitting on much anymore? I hardly ever hear anything about him since [I]Borat.[/I][/QUOTE]
To the best of my knowledge, [I]Borat[/I] was the last thing he did that was worth knowing about.
92.) Swamp Fox - 02/10/2017
OK, so I suppose I'm late for work here at the forum. I've had a busy morning of drama.
Which reminds me:
A guy shows up late for work. The boss calls him into his office, closes the door and says, "You should’ve been here at 8:30!"
The man replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
Which reminds me:
A guy shows up late for work. The boss calls him into his office, closes the door and says, "You should’ve been here at 8:30!"
The man replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
93.) bluecat - 02/10/2017
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Damn, man, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
So, here I am."
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Damn, man, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
So, here I am."
94.) DParker - 02/10/2017
:grin: 50 shades of gone huntin'.
95.) bluecat - 02/10/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;46900]While Hillary Clinton was Secretary of State, she became pregnant with twins. I know you're wondering how it happened, but that's not important right now.
Anyway, Bill didn't want the children and Hillary thought they would ruin her chances of winning the presidency, so they decided to put them up for adoption. They soon found that everyone thought one Clinton in any white house was more than enough, and not even people of color wanted a second. So since they couldn't place the children together, one child went to a family in Libya, who named him Amal, and the other child went to a family in Mexico, who named him Juan.
After the election, the family in Mexico sent Hillary a picture of Juan to try to cheer her up. Hillary told Bill she wished she had a picture of her other child, too.
Bill said, "Maybe they'll make a video, or you can send them an email. But really, Hills, they're twins: Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."[/QUOTE]
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Anyway, Bill didn't want the children and Hillary thought they would ruin her chances of winning the presidency, so they decided to put them up for adoption. They soon found that everyone thought one Clinton in any white house was more than enough, and not even people of color wanted a second. So since they couldn't place the children together, one child went to a family in Libya, who named him Amal, and the other child went to a family in Mexico, who named him Juan.
After the election, the family in Mexico sent Hillary a picture of Juan to try to cheer her up. Hillary told Bill she wished she had a picture of her other child, too.
Bill said, "Maybe they'll make a video, or you can send them an email. But really, Hills, they're twins: Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."[/QUOTE]
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
96.) Swamp Fox - 02/10/2017
LOL...
That's quite a coinkydink. I heard this one yesterday:
A guy's sitting at the bar when a lady of easy virtue strolls up to him and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for $300."
The guy gets very excited, slaps the money on the bar and says, "Deal! I can't get anyone to paint my house for less than a thousand!"
That's quite a coinkydink. I heard this one yesterday:
A guy's sitting at the bar when a lady of easy virtue strolls up to him and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for $300."
The guy gets very excited, slaps the money on the bar and says, "Deal! I can't get anyone to paint my house for less than a thousand!"
97.) Swamp Fox - 02/10/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;47102]Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.[/QUOTE]
Boo, Hiss....LOL
(Gander, meet goose...:-))
Boo, Hiss....LOL
(Gander, meet goose...:-))
98.) The Old Man - 02/13/2017
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory.
Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm tanked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way!" He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "If i can just make it to me bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "to hell with it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was tanked' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick called. You left y'wheelchair at the pub."
Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm tanked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way!" He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "If i can just make it to me bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "to hell with it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was tanked' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick called. You left y'wheelchair at the pub."
99.) The Old Man - 02/13/2017
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.
There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the
kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three
kings decided that they would send their knights out to do
battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires
pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first
kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of
whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking
food.
The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10
squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for
battle.
At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one
knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung
it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself
preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their
squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the
knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust
cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third
kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms,
thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal
to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the
kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three
kings decided that they would send their knights out to do
battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires
pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first
kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of
whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking
food.
The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10
squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for
battle.
At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one
knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung
it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself
preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their
squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the
knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust
cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third
kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms,
thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal
to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
100.) The Old Man - 02/13/2017
This is one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there
Must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
Wait till you see the last one!
It's going to be hard to top because
It fits to a "T"
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there
Must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
Wait till you see the last one!
It's going to be hard to top because
It fits to a "T"
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
101.) DParker - 02/13/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;47113]You left y'wheelchair at the pub."[/QUOTE]
:laugh:
:laugh:
102.) Triton Rich - 02/13/2017
[B]Wow, the right triangle joke caught me totally off guard! :beer:[/B]
103.) bluecat - 02/13/2017
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
Slim, Tall,
38D breast,
24" waist and
34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
Slim, Tall,
38D breast,
24" waist and
34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
104.) The Old Man - 02/13/2017
:hb:
105.) bluecat - 02/13/2017
[QUOTE=Triton Rich;47117][B]Wow, the right triangle joke caught me totally off guard! :beer:[/B][/QUOTE]
It took me 180 degrees. :wave:
Boo, Hiss
It took me 180 degrees. :wave:
Boo, Hiss
106.) Swamp Fox - 02/13/2017
LOL....Excellent, all of them! :grin:
107.) Swamp Fox - 02/13/2017
A woman goes to the doctor and complains that she's worried her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore, and Valentine's Day is coming up.
So the doc gives her a pill, but warns her it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, and he asks how things went.
"Doctor," she says, "It worked great! I did just what you told me and it wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravished me right there on the table!"
The doctor is kinda shocked and says, "I’m so sorry! I didn't realize the pill was so strong! I'll reimburse you for all the damage."
"Don't worry about it, Doc," says the woman. "We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
So the doc gives her a pill, but warns her it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, and he asks how things went.
"Doctor," she says, "It worked great! I did just what you told me and it wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravished me right there on the table!"
The doctor is kinda shocked and says, "I’m so sorry! I didn't realize the pill was so strong! I'll reimburse you for all the damage."
"Don't worry about it, Doc," says the woman. "We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
108.) bluecat - 02/13/2017
LOL! I'll have what he is having...
109.) Swamp Fox - 02/14/2017
110.) bluecat - 02/14/2017
You've got a lot of heart.
111.) Swamp Fox - 02/14/2017
The deal is that if you can eat that whole steak in one sitting, you get to bunk with the rancher's daughter tonight, pardner....
112.) The Old Man - 02/14/2017
[ATTACH]555[/ATTACH]
...
...
113.) DParker - 02/14/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;47155][ATTACH]555[/ATTACH]
...[/QUOTE]
Needs more duct tape.
...[/QUOTE]
Needs more duct tape.
114.) bluecat - 02/14/2017
One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," Jim said.
That evening, Jim comes home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
"You'll know tonight," Jim said.
That evening, Jim comes home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
115.) Swamp Fox - 02/14/2017
It's scary how he knew that would happen. :-)
116.) The Old Man - 02/15/2017
[ATTACH]556[/ATTACH]
..
..
117.) Swamp Fox - 02/15/2017
LOL!
118.) Swamp Fox - 02/15/2017
I think I might make up some flyers for some windshields at the grocery store, where there are still some hold-outs.
[url]http://www.foxnews.com/world/2014/01/17/onoda-japanese-world-war-ii-soldier-who-waited-until-174-to-surrender-dead-at-1.html[/url]
[url]http://www.foxnews.com/world/2014/01/17/onoda-japanese-world-war-ii-soldier-who-waited-until-174-to-surrender-dead-at-1.html[/url]
119.) bluecat - 02/15/2017
What Liberals & Conservatives Generally Do In Certain Situations
If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
If a liberal sees a foreign threat, he wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".
If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
If a liberal sees a foreign threat, he wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".
120.) Swamp Fox - 02/15/2017
I heard somebody in the last few days joke that the progressives like to talk about having "conversations" and dialogues, but as soon as you challenge them on something they block you on Twitter and unfriend you on Facebook...LOL
Which, from what I've seen, is true.
I could make some serious points about libtards and speech, but I'm not gonna do it in the JOTD thread...
Which, from what I've seen, is true.
I could make some serious points about libtards and speech, but I'm not gonna do it in the JOTD thread...
121.) DParker - 02/15/2017
This entire thread triggers me.
122.) bluecat - 02/15/2017
Therapy dog?
123.) The Old Man - 02/16/2017
A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.
After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
124.) bluecat - 02/16/2017
That was a good one.
125.) bluecat - 02/16/2017
The Evolution Of Mankind Into
Liberals and Conservatives
Contributed by Tom Miller
The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.
Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the conservatives fed them.
Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and french food are on liberal menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their first successful city governments were Sodom and Gomorrah.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.
Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of law. They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing world. They believe in the concept of truth.
Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing production of conservatives and undermining principled references such as the Bible and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue because they always do whatever is best for them without regard to others. They have no standard of reference.
Liberals do not give to charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice. They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax money which they vote away from conservatives.
Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad. They own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals. They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals and other foreign criminals.
Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense. They disarm conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies with guns. King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who abandoned the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self indulgence, and attempted to tax and govern conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer.
Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries, convict common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have been charged by liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot liberals from other countries who want to govern our country.
Conservatives know the difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed statute passed by some liberal from Massachusetts. When sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't explain their reasons.
Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as the privilege of making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting on juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals and other common criminals. Modern Judges are all liberals as they do not produce anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money. They consider it against the law to reference any source of law such as the Bible or Constitution. Like other liberals, they just make it up as they go and do what is best for them. Judge Roy Bean is their model.
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet".
Liberals and Conservatives
Contributed by Tom Miller
The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.
Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the conservatives fed them.
Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and french food are on liberal menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their first successful city governments were Sodom and Gomorrah.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.
Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of law. They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing world. They believe in the concept of truth.
Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing production of conservatives and undermining principled references such as the Bible and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue because they always do whatever is best for them without regard to others. They have no standard of reference.
Liberals do not give to charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice. They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax money which they vote away from conservatives.
Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad. They own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals. They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals and other foreign criminals.
Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense. They disarm conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies with guns. King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who abandoned the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self indulgence, and attempted to tax and govern conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer.
Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries, convict common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have been charged by liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot liberals from other countries who want to govern our country.
Conservatives know the difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed statute passed by some liberal from Massachusetts. When sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't explain their reasons.
Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as the privilege of making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting on juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals and other common criminals. Modern Judges are all liberals as they do not produce anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money. They consider it against the law to reference any source of law such as the Bible or Constitution. Like other liberals, they just make it up as they go and do what is best for them. Judge Roy Bean is their model.
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet".
126.) The Old Man - 02/16/2017
I frequent several Joke of the day threads on several forums and usually steal material and post it in the other joke threads. Kinda like Robinhood used to do with Prince John's (wasn't he a liberal?) tax money. I don't think I should take your post and redistribute it. I think I'd be banned and never have any wealth to share here anymore.
But anyway....:tu: There should be a "Like" button to push here somewhere.
But anyway....:tu: There should be a "Like" button to push here somewhere.
127.) bluecat - 02/16/2017
To be fair, I didn't create that joke and lifted it from an email many moons ago. The real humor in that post is that it is dead-on accurate. I edited the post and put the author who contributed. At least I think he was the author. A joke like that needs to be shared.
128.) Swamp Fox - 02/16/2017
I might post something semi-relevant to the conservative/liberal/progressive/regressive thing elsewhere so as to not gum up the works in a joke thread. However, I am accepting bribes to forget the whole thing and just post memes and cat videos around the site.
If you wish to silence me--and I'll extend this beyond politics to the memes and cat videos as well--submit a joke below and that will be the signal you want my PayPal address in a PM.
I'll get right on it.
129.) bluecat - 02/16/2017
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
130.) Swamp Fox - 02/16/2017
Et tu, Bluecat?
PM sent... :tap:
LOL
PM sent... :tap:
LOL
131.) Swamp Fox - 02/16/2017
BTW, I remember that conservative/lib story from the first W administration. I think it WAS one of those viral emails that went around and made an already-annoying technology even worse, or almost bearable, depending on your perspective.
I doubt more than a few people know who started it, but I'll bet somebody's tried to figure it out.
I doubt more than a few people know who started it, but I'll bet somebody's tried to figure it out.
132.) bluecat - 02/16/2017
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
133.) Swamp Fox - 02/16/2017
LOL...
Well, that's what they say, but are you still master of your domain?
Well, that's what they say, but are you still master of your domain?
134.) bluecat - 02/16/2017
I sleep like Russian baby...LOL!
135.) Swamp Fox - 02/16/2017
136.) bluecat - 02/16/2017
+2 for finding that.
137.) The Old Man - 02/17/2017
King Arthur
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved
by Arthur's youth and ideals So the monarch offered him freedom, as long
as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be
put to death....
The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than
death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch. Only she would know
the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he'd have to accept
her price first: The old witch wanted to marry him.
Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only
one tooth, smelled like sewage, and made obscene noises. He had never
encountered such a repugnant creature.
Finally, having no real choice, he agreed. Their wedding was proclaimed,
and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants
is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch
had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it
was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
What a wedding Arthur and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief
and anguish. He was proper as always, gentle, and courteous. The old
witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very
uncomfortable.
The hour approached. Arthur, steeling himself for a horrific experience,
entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful
woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Arthur asked what
had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her
when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible,
deformed self half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful
maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the
night? What a cruel question! Arthur pondered his predicament. During
the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the
privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a
hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many
intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Arthur chose follows below......but don't read until you've made
your own choice.......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Noble Arthur replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her
own life.
What is the moral of this story?
The moral is:
If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved
by Arthur's youth and ideals So the monarch offered him freedom, as long
as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be
put to death....
The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than
death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch. Only she would know
the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he'd have to accept
her price first: The old witch wanted to marry him.
Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only
one tooth, smelled like sewage, and made obscene noises. He had never
encountered such a repugnant creature.
Finally, having no real choice, he agreed. Their wedding was proclaimed,
and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants
is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch
had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it
was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
What a wedding Arthur and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief
and anguish. He was proper as always, gentle, and courteous. The old
witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very
uncomfortable.
The hour approached. Arthur, steeling himself for a horrific experience,
entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful
woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Arthur asked what
had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her
when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible,
deformed self half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful
maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the
night? What a cruel question! Arthur pondered his predicament. During
the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the
privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a
hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many
intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Arthur chose follows below......but don't read until you've made
your own choice.......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Noble Arthur replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her
own life.
What is the moral of this story?
The moral is:
If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!
138.) Swamp Fox - 02/17/2017
139.) bluecat - 02/17/2017
+ 3 :grin:
140.) Swamp Fox - 02/17/2017
An 80-year-old Texan goes to the clinic for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the old boy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"Well, I work hard, play hard, and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish," says the old guy. "That's that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight in the field plowing and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a few pops and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"
"Who said my father's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the Texan. "In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning. Then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some beers. That's why he's still alive. He's a Texas farmer. And he's a hunter and fisherman, too."
"Well," the doctor says, "That's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my Grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive?"
"He's 118 years old," says the man.
The doctor's head is about to explode at this point, he's so amazed.
"So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?" he asks.
"No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is about to lose it.
"Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
The old boy jumped down off the examining table and said, "Who said he wanted to?"
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the old boy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"Well, I work hard, play hard, and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish," says the old guy. "That's that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight in the field plowing and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a few pops and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"
"Who said my father's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the Texan. "In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning. Then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some beers. That's why he's still alive. He's a Texas farmer. And he's a hunter and fisherman, too."
"Well," the doctor says, "That's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my Grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive?"
"He's 118 years old," says the man.
The doctor's head is about to explode at this point, he's so amazed.
"So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?" he asks.
"No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is about to lose it.
"Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
The old boy jumped down off the examining table and said, "Who said he wanted to?"
141.) bluecat - 02/17/2017
Damn, you are on a roll!
142.) The Old Man - 02/17/2017
SirCranksalot
Team IceShanty Regular
***
Posts: 305
Location: Wasaga Beach, Ontario(Canada, eh?)
Join Date: Mar 2015
Re: Jokes Part II
« Reply #5137 on: Today at 08:08 AM »
Quote
The Perfect Man
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.
Team IceShanty Regular
***
Posts: 305
Location: Wasaga Beach, Ontario(Canada, eh?)
Join Date: Mar 2015
Re: Jokes Part II
« Reply #5137 on: Today at 08:08 AM »
Quote
The Perfect Man
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.
143.) The Old Man - 02/17/2017
The Perfect Man
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.
144.) bluecat - 02/17/2017
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
145.) The Old Man - 02/20/2017
Male logic, flawless
This a conversation between a man and his wife.
Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question.
This happens more often than not to most husbands out there:
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip. (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you did not drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where is your airplane?
This a conversation between a man and his wife.
Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question.
This happens more often than not to most husbands out there:
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip. (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you did not drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where is your airplane?
146.) bluecat - 02/20/2017
Woman invest in shoes.
147.) Swamp Fox - 02/20/2017
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to tell ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the brewery..."
"Oh, dear God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda," says Tim. "Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim: Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda......no."
"No?"
"Fact is, Brenda," says Tim, "He got out three times to pee."
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to tell ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the brewery..."
"Oh, dear God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda," says Tim. "Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim: Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda......no."
"No?"
"Fact is, Brenda," says Tim, "He got out three times to pee."
148.) bluecat - 02/20/2017
:ach:
149.) bluecat - 02/20/2017
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
150.) Swamp Fox - 02/20/2017
LOL!
+4, at least...LOL
+4, at least...LOL
151.) The Old Man - 02/20/2017
[ATTACH]557[/ATTACH]
...
...
152.) Swamp Fox - 02/20/2017
Ha!
:laugh::laugh:
:laugh::laugh:
153.) DParker - 02/20/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47254]Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to tell ya, Brenda. There was am accident down at the brewery..."
"Oh, dear God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda," says Tim. "Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim: Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda......no."
"No?"
"Fact is, Brenda," says Tim, "He got out three times to pee."[/QUOTE]
I always hear the women in these jokes in Maureen O'Hara's voice.
Marquis of Queensbury rules, mind ya'!
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to tell ya, Brenda. There was am accident down at the brewery..."
"Oh, dear God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda," says Tim. "Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim: Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda......no."
"No?"
"Fact is, Brenda," says Tim, "He got out three times to pee."[/QUOTE]
I always hear the women in these jokes in Maureen O'Hara's voice.
Marquis of Queensbury rules, mind ya'!
154.) Swamp Fox - 02/20/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;47266]I always hear the women in these jokes in Maureen O'Hara's voice.
[/QUOTE]
That's how you know the Irish are winning in their plan for total world domination, LOL.
Well, except for Monty Python living rent-free in our heads...
:wink
[/QUOTE]
That's how you know the Irish are winning in their plan for total world domination, LOL.
Well, except for Monty Python living rent-free in our heads...
:wink
155.) DParker - 02/21/2017
I have a joke about Jim Jones and his cult, but the punchline is too long.
156.) bluecat - 02/21/2017
Boo, Hiss
:tap:
:tap:
157.) bluecat - 02/21/2017
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
158.) Swamp Fox - 02/21/2017
159.) Swamp Fox - 02/21/2017
160.) Swamp Fox - 02/21/2017
Elmer Fudd had a girlfriend who liked to tie him to the bed and pour chocolate and caramel all over him.
She was a dominatwix.
She was a dominatwix.
161.) DParker - 02/21/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;47275]Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower[/QUOTE]
OK...those are pretty good.
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower[/QUOTE]
OK...those are pretty good.
162.) Swamp Fox - 02/22/2017
So, like, +1?
C'mon, man! Get with the program!
LOL
C'mon, man! Get with the program!
LOL
163.) Swamp Fox - 02/22/2017
A fish goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
The teller looks at the fish in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The fish says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the fish says that his name is Rainbow Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain fly rod and reel, about an inch long, detailed and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager. She disappears into a back office, where she locates the manager and tells him, "There's a fish named Rainbow Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I mean, what the heck is this??"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
The teller looks at the fish in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The fish says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the fish says that his name is Rainbow Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain fly rod and reel, about an inch long, detailed and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager. She disappears into a back office, where she locates the manager and tells him, "There's a fish named Rainbow Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I mean, what the heck is this??"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
164.) The Old Man - 02/22/2017
Evaluating employees
RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
165.) bluecat - 02/22/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47281]A fish goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
The teller looks at the fish in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The fish says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the fish says that his name is Rainbow Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain fly rod and reel, about an inch long; detailed and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager. She disappears into a back office, where she locates the manager and tells him, "There's a fish named Rainbow Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I mean, what the heck is this??"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."[/QUOTE]
I feel used.
The teller looks at the fish in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The fish says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the fish says that his name is Rainbow Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain fly rod and reel, about an inch long; detailed and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager. She disappears into a back office, where she locates the manager and tells him, "There's a fish named Rainbow Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I mean, what the heck is this??"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."[/QUOTE]
I feel used.
166.) bluecat - 02/22/2017
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
167.) DParker - 02/22/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;47282]Evaluating employees
RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."[/QUOTE]
Those would be a lot funnier if I didn't work there.
RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."[/QUOTE]
Those would be a lot funnier if I didn't work there.
168.) DParker - 02/22/2017
In the 1920s there was an up-and-coming minor league pitcher by the name of Milt Faymee. Milt had a phenomenal record for the minors, and was sure to be picked up by a major team before the next season. Not only that, he could sustain his pitching prowess through a full 9 innings even during the peak of summer, when other pitchers had to be swapped out every few innings. His secret was to have a few sips of beer whenever he was in the dugout, which kept him cool.
But one day Milt's team was playing a game in the early afternoon of a particularly hot day. Record-breaking heat, in fact. By the 2nd inning he found that his few modest sips of brew during his dugout time just wasn't doing the trick, and he was beginning to feel effects of the high temperatures. So he upped his consumption to a whole beer between stints on the mound, and by the 7th inning he was sufficiently impacted by the alcohol that he began throwing wild pitches and walking batter after batter. The manager pulled him from the game after that, but it was too late. The damage had been done, and Milt's team lost the game by an embarrassing 12-2.
After the game, two members of the opposing team wandered over to Milt's team's dugout and saw a bunch of empty bottles sitting near the spot on the bench where Milt sat. Upon seeing this one player wondered aloud what the bottles were all about, to which the other player replied, "That's the beer that made Milt Faymee walk us."
But one day Milt's team was playing a game in the early afternoon of a particularly hot day. Record-breaking heat, in fact. By the 2nd inning he found that his few modest sips of brew during his dugout time just wasn't doing the trick, and he was beginning to feel effects of the high temperatures. So he upped his consumption to a whole beer between stints on the mound, and by the 7th inning he was sufficiently impacted by the alcohol that he began throwing wild pitches and walking batter after batter. The manager pulled him from the game after that, but it was too late. The damage had been done, and Milt's team lost the game by an embarrassing 12-2.
After the game, two members of the opposing team wandered over to Milt's team's dugout and saw a bunch of empty bottles sitting near the spot on the bench where Milt sat. Upon seeing this one player wondered aloud what the bottles were all about, to which the other player replied, "That's the beer that made Milt Faymee walk us."
169.) bluecat - 02/22/2017
No! :bang:
170.) DParker - 02/22/2017
Joe is walking one day along a deserted stretch of a beach near Pensacola, FL in 1946 when up ahead he spies a pile of something at the edge of the water. When he gets closer he sees that it's a large fishing net with a porpoise tangled up in it. Joe runs up proceeds to make a rescue attempt. After using his pocket knife to cut the poor animal free of the netting he then grabs it by the tail and slowly drags it back into the water, gently holding the exhausted porpoise's head above the water so it can breath until it regains enough strength to swim away. But before that happens Joe is startled when the porpoise begins to speak to him! It says...
"Sir, thank you for freeing me from that net and helping me back into the water. I owe you my life. As you can tell, I'm not an ordinary porpoise. In fact I'm a magical creature and I have the power to grant wishes. To thank you for saving my life I will grant you any one wish. Anything. Moreover, if you'll return to this spot on this same day every year I'll grant you another wish each time. I will continue doing this for as long as you live...and the good news is that I'm immortal, so I won't die before you get all your wishes. However, I cannot summon my powers in my current weakened state. Reconstituting my powers requires that I consume a certain type of food...namely, a type of pure white seagull. More specifically, ones that have just left their nests. This particular variety of seagull nests near the beach just over the border in Alabama. I'm too weak to swim that far, but if you could go there, capture 2 or three of these birds and bring them here for me to eat that should be enough to restore me to my full magical strength, and I can grant you any wish you desire."
Joe thinks to himself that this is an unbelievable set of claims. But then he realizes that the idea of a talking porpoise is no less fantastic, and so he decides to take a chance and believe what the aquatic mammal has told him. So he tells the porpoise to wait in this area for him and runs back to his car and leaves the beach. After stopping to rig up a hoop net at the end of a long, sturdy pole he heads across the border into Alabama, and hits the beaches looking for the specimens described by the magical porpoise. Joe just can't believe his luck when he spies a large number of small, pure white seagulls combing the first beach he stops at. Armed with his net and a gunny sack, and taking advantage of the recent nestlings' inexperience and lack of caution he's quickly able to sneak up on and capture 3 juvenile white seagulls.
After returning to his car and tossing the gunny sack full of birds on the back seat Joe heads back towards Florida. Unfortunately, Joe is so excited by the prospect of being granted his fondest desire by the magical porpoise, and is so busy trying to decide what he will wish for that he's not paying attention to his speed, and as he crosses the border into his home state he's traveling a good 20 MPH over the speed limit...right in front of a FL Highway Patrol cop. After pulling Joe over for his traffic infraction the FL cop is asking Joe for his drivers license and registration when he spots the gunny sack in the back seat, which appears to have something alive and moving inside of it. He tells Joe to stop out of the car, open the back door and show him the contents of the sack. Joe complies, and when the cop asks what in the world he's doing with a sack of seagulls Joe tells him the fantastic story of the magic porpoise. After the story has been told the cop immediately tells Joe to turn around and put his hands behind his back because he's being arrested. Joe asks, "On what charge?" The cop responds...
"Transporting young white gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises."
"Sir, thank you for freeing me from that net and helping me back into the water. I owe you my life. As you can tell, I'm not an ordinary porpoise. In fact I'm a magical creature and I have the power to grant wishes. To thank you for saving my life I will grant you any one wish. Anything. Moreover, if you'll return to this spot on this same day every year I'll grant you another wish each time. I will continue doing this for as long as you live...and the good news is that I'm immortal, so I won't die before you get all your wishes. However, I cannot summon my powers in my current weakened state. Reconstituting my powers requires that I consume a certain type of food...namely, a type of pure white seagull. More specifically, ones that have just left their nests. This particular variety of seagull nests near the beach just over the border in Alabama. I'm too weak to swim that far, but if you could go there, capture 2 or three of these birds and bring them here for me to eat that should be enough to restore me to my full magical strength, and I can grant you any wish you desire."
Joe thinks to himself that this is an unbelievable set of claims. But then he realizes that the idea of a talking porpoise is no less fantastic, and so he decides to take a chance and believe what the aquatic mammal has told him. So he tells the porpoise to wait in this area for him and runs back to his car and leaves the beach. After stopping to rig up a hoop net at the end of a long, sturdy pole he heads across the border into Alabama, and hits the beaches looking for the specimens described by the magical porpoise. Joe just can't believe his luck when he spies a large number of small, pure white seagulls combing the first beach he stops at. Armed with his net and a gunny sack, and taking advantage of the recent nestlings' inexperience and lack of caution he's quickly able to sneak up on and capture 3 juvenile white seagulls.
After returning to his car and tossing the gunny sack full of birds on the back seat Joe heads back towards Florida. Unfortunately, Joe is so excited by the prospect of being granted his fondest desire by the magical porpoise, and is so busy trying to decide what he will wish for that he's not paying attention to his speed, and as he crosses the border into his home state he's traveling a good 20 MPH over the speed limit...right in front of a FL Highway Patrol cop. After pulling Joe over for his traffic infraction the FL cop is asking Joe for his drivers license and registration when he spots the gunny sack in the back seat, which appears to have something alive and moving inside of it. He tells Joe to stop out of the car, open the back door and show him the contents of the sack. Joe complies, and when the cop asks what in the world he's doing with a sack of seagulls Joe tells him the fantastic story of the magic porpoise. After the story has been told the cop immediately tells Joe to turn around and put his hands behind his back because he's being arrested. Joe asks, "On what charge?" The cop responds...
"Transporting young white gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises."
171.) bluecat - 02/22/2017
That is enough!
172.) Swamp Fox - 02/23/2017
LOL...
Little-Known Fact Of The Day: Chuck Berry spent almost two years in prison for that in the early 60s.
[url]http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/chuck-berry-is-arrested-on-mann-act-charges-in-st-louis-missouri[/url]
[url]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mann_Act[/url]
Little-Known Fact Of The Day: Chuck Berry spent almost two years in prison for that in the early 60s.
[url]http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/chuck-berry-is-arrested-on-mann-act-charges-in-st-louis-missouri[/url]
[url]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mann_Act[/url]
173.) Swamp Fox - 02/23/2017
[B][I]"Lem 'e see yo dri'em liin."
"Whadeesaay, Bahb?"[/I]
-----Lewis Grizzard
[/B]
Two guys from New Jersey are driving down to Myrtle Beach in their brand new gold-colored Cadillac, when shortly after crossing into South Carolina a state trooper whips out of a gravel parking lot on the side of the highway and throws on the blue lights.
He glides in behind them, riding their tail until they pull over. Now, these guys were going seven miles over the speed limit and they're feeling pretty froggy about their chances of getting out of this as the trooper walks up to the vehicle.
He's got his nightstick drawn and taps with it on the driver's window to get him to roll it down, and the driver rolls down the glass and before he can say anything, the trooper starts whaling on him with the nightstick, yelling, "When a South Carolina State Trooper approaches your vehicle, boy, you have your window down and your license out and your registration handy, ready to answer any and all questions!!!....DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, SON?!...."
The driver has his arms over his head trying to protect himself and he's screaming and crying like a little girl: "Yes, sir!... Yes sir!....Please just stop beating me with that stick!"
So the trooper backs off and walks calmly around to the passenger side of the vehicle and taps on that window. The passenger is about to pee his pants and immediately lowers his window and before he can get it all the way down the trooper starts in on him with his stick, same as the first guy.
The passenger is screaming, " Stop! Stop!...What are you hitting me for?...I haven't done anything!"
The trooper steps back, looks him in the eye, and says to him, "I'm just making your wish come true, son."
The passenger can't believe any of this is happening and says, "What? What do you mean you're making my wish come true?"
And the trooper says, "You know exactly what I mean, boy. I'm gonna write y'all a ticket, and you and your little buddy here are gonna pull out and get about two miles down the road, and then you're gonna look over at him and you're gonna say, 'I wish that son-of-a-bitch woulda hit ME with that stick!' "
"Whadeesaay, Bahb?"[/I]
-----Lewis Grizzard
[/B]
Two guys from New Jersey are driving down to Myrtle Beach in their brand new gold-colored Cadillac, when shortly after crossing into South Carolina a state trooper whips out of a gravel parking lot on the side of the highway and throws on the blue lights.
He glides in behind them, riding their tail until they pull over. Now, these guys were going seven miles over the speed limit and they're feeling pretty froggy about their chances of getting out of this as the trooper walks up to the vehicle.
He's got his nightstick drawn and taps with it on the driver's window to get him to roll it down, and the driver rolls down the glass and before he can say anything, the trooper starts whaling on him with the nightstick, yelling, "When a South Carolina State Trooper approaches your vehicle, boy, you have your window down and your license out and your registration handy, ready to answer any and all questions!!!....DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, SON?!...."
The driver has his arms over his head trying to protect himself and he's screaming and crying like a little girl: "Yes, sir!... Yes sir!....Please just stop beating me with that stick!"
So the trooper backs off and walks calmly around to the passenger side of the vehicle and taps on that window. The passenger is about to pee his pants and immediately lowers his window and before he can get it all the way down the trooper starts in on him with his stick, same as the first guy.
The passenger is screaming, " Stop! Stop!...What are you hitting me for?...I haven't done anything!"
The trooper steps back, looks him in the eye, and says to him, "I'm just making your wish come true, son."
The passenger can't believe any of this is happening and says, "What? What do you mean you're making my wish come true?"
And the trooper says, "You know exactly what I mean, boy. I'm gonna write y'all a ticket, and you and your little buddy here are gonna pull out and get about two miles down the road, and then you're gonna look over at him and you're gonna say, 'I wish that son-of-a-bitch woulda hit ME with that stick!' "
174.) bluecat - 02/23/2017
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
4 nickels = 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital= 1 IV League
100 Senators = Not 1 decision
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
4 nickels = 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital= 1 IV League
100 Senators = Not 1 decision
175.) The Old Man - 02/23/2017
>>>>->>= +2 pts
Or should it be >>>>+<<= +2 pts
Or should it be >>>>+<<= +2 pts
176.) Swamp Fox - 02/24/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;47304]Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
4 nickels = 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital= 1 IV League
100 Senators = Not 1 decision[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=The Old Man;47305]>>>>->>= +2 pts
Or should it be >>>>+<<= +2 pts[/QUOTE]
That's a lot of science and math and symbols and diagrams for a guy like me, but...
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
4 nickels = 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital= 1 IV League
100 Senators = Not 1 decision[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=The Old Man;47305]>>>>->>= +2 pts
Or should it be >>>>+<<= +2 pts[/QUOTE]
That's a lot of science and math and symbols and diagrams for a guy like me, but...
177.) bluecat - 02/24/2017
I was thinking we should deduct a point from The Old Man for making such a confusing assignment of points.
178.) Swamp Fox - 02/24/2017
I just assumed there was some hidden meaning that I'm not bright enough to catch, LOL.
Maybe something from mechanical engineering or quantum physics.
Then again, it might just be something from high school that I've forgotten or never learned in the first place.
For instance, I can't really explain why this is funny, but it is:
[B][I]"What do you feed a baby parabola?"
"Quadratic formula."[/I]
[/B]
Maybe something from mechanical engineering or quantum physics.
Then again, it might just be something from high school that I've forgotten or never learned in the first place.
For instance, I can't really explain why this is funny, but it is:
[B][I]"What do you feed a baby parabola?"
"Quadratic formula."[/I]
[/B]
179.) The Old Man - 02/24/2017
I couldn't find a smiley of a finger pointing to use to represent a point but thought clue at deserved a couple points on that post. Had to improvise.
180.) The Old Man - 02/24/2017
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,"I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles,he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles,he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
181.) Swamp Fox - 02/24/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;47313]I couldn't find a smiley of a finger pointing to use to represent a point but thought clue at deserved a couple points on that post. Had to improvise.[/QUOTE]
LOL...
Thanks for playing...:beer:
LOL...
Thanks for playing...:beer:
182.) bluecat - 02/24/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;47314]A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,"I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles,he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."[/QUOTE]
I'm giving you your points back you lost previously.
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles,he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."[/QUOTE]
I'm giving you your points back you lost previously.
183.) bluecat - 02/24/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47312]I just assumed there was some hidden meaning that I'm not bright enough to catch, LOL.
Maybe something from mechanical engineering or quantum physics.
Then again, it might just be something from high school that I've forgotten or never learned in the first place.
For instance, I can't really explain why this is funny, but it is:
[B][I]"What do you feed a baby parabola?"
"Quadratic formula."[/I]
[/B][/QUOTE]
Those are the jokes that are told by the pocket protector crowd at math conferences. "Hey Leonard', did you hear about that prime number that insisted it wasn't real?"
You know, that kind of thing.
Maybe something from mechanical engineering or quantum physics.
Then again, it might just be something from high school that I've forgotten or never learned in the first place.
For instance, I can't really explain why this is funny, but it is:
[B][I]"What do you feed a baby parabola?"
"Quadratic formula."[/I]
[/B][/QUOTE]
Those are the jokes that are told by the pocket protector crowd at math conferences. "Hey Leonard', did you hear about that prime number that insisted it wasn't real?"
You know, that kind of thing.
184.) bluecat - 02/24/2017
The year is 2036 and the United States has just elected the first
woman as President of the United States ..
A few days after the election,
the president-elect calls her father in Kansas and asks, "So, Dad, I
assume you will becoming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a long drive; your mom isn't as young as she
used to be, we'll have the dog with us, and my arthritis is acting up
in my knee."
"Don't worry about it, Dad, I'll send Air Force One or another
support aircraft to pick you up and take you home, and a limousine
will pick you up at your door," she said.
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy.
What would your mother wear?"
"Oh, Dad," she replied, "I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown
custom-made by one of the best designers in New York ."
"Honey," Dad complained, "You know we can't eat those rich foods you
and your friends like to eat."
The President-elect responded, "Don't worry, Dad.
The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in D.C.
and I'll ensure your meals are salt-free.
Dad, I really want you to come."
So her parents reluctantly agreed, and on January 20, 2037, arrived
to see their daughter sworn in as President of the United States .
The parents of the new President are seated in the front row.
The President's dad notices a senator sitting next to him and leans
over and whispers, "You see that woman over there with her hand on
the Bible, becoming President of the United States ?"
The Senator whispered in reply, "Yes I do."
Dad says proudly,
"Her brother played basketball at KU."
woman as President of the United States ..
A few days after the election,
the president-elect calls her father in Kansas and asks, "So, Dad, I
assume you will becoming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a long drive; your mom isn't as young as she
used to be, we'll have the dog with us, and my arthritis is acting up
in my knee."
"Don't worry about it, Dad, I'll send Air Force One or another
support aircraft to pick you up and take you home, and a limousine
will pick you up at your door," she said.
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy.
What would your mother wear?"
"Oh, Dad," she replied, "I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown
custom-made by one of the best designers in New York ."
"Honey," Dad complained, "You know we can't eat those rich foods you
and your friends like to eat."
The President-elect responded, "Don't worry, Dad.
The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in D.C.
and I'll ensure your meals are salt-free.
Dad, I really want you to come."
So her parents reluctantly agreed, and on January 20, 2037, arrived
to see their daughter sworn in as President of the United States .
The parents of the new President are seated in the front row.
The President's dad notices a senator sitting next to him and leans
over and whispers, "You see that woman over there with her hand on
the Bible, becoming President of the United States ?"
The Senator whispered in reply, "Yes I do."
Dad says proudly,
"Her brother played basketball at KU."
185.) Swamp Fox - 02/24/2017
LOL!
2036, huh?
So many jokes, so little opportunity to tell them safely...:wink
2036, huh?
So many jokes, so little opportunity to tell them safely...:wink
186.) The Old Man - 02/26/2017
This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.
His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb?'
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?
That, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”
His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb?'
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?
That, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”
187.) DParker - 02/26/2017
+5 for managing a risque joke based on [I]Downton Abbey[/I].
188.) The Old Man - 02/27/2017
The Will
Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
The nurse, his wife, daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks that 2 witnesses be present and a camcorder in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"To my son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the east bank of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize the extent of his real estate holdings, and as Mr. Smith slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have worked very hard to have accumulated so much property”.
To which the wife replied with a frown on her face, "The old fool had a paper route."
Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
The nurse, his wife, daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks that 2 witnesses be present and a camcorder in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"To my son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the east bank of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize the extent of his real estate holdings, and as Mr. Smith slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have worked very hard to have accumulated so much property”.
To which the wife replied with a frown on her face, "The old fool had a paper route."
189.) Swamp Fox - 02/27/2017
Ha! Both good.
190.) Swamp Fox - 02/27/2017
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
“Certainly, madam,” he replied courteously.
“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary.
“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “But room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?”
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary.
“Certainly, madam,” he replied.
“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. “In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.
The same guy was still on the desk.
“Morning, madam…Sleep well?”
“Yes, thank you,” Mary replied.
“Food to your liking?”
“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though….They really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully.
“Oh…Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist.
“OK, I will…Thanks!” replied Mary, who checked out and then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!”
“Certainly, madam,” he replied courteously.
“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary.
“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “But room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?”
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary.
“Certainly, madam,” he replied.
“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. “In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.
The same guy was still on the desk.
“Morning, madam…Sleep well?”
“Yes, thank you,” Mary replied.
“Food to your liking?”
“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though….They really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully.
“Oh…Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist.
“OK, I will…Thanks!” replied Mary, who checked out and then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!”
191.) Swamp Fox - 02/27/2017
For some reason, the HC forum software wants to put a space in that word and you can't edit it out...I feel like Alex should get right on this to fix it...LOL
192.) bluecat - 02/27/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47358]Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
“Certainly, madam,” he replied courteously.
“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary.
“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “But room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?”
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary.
“Certainly, madam,” he replied.
“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. “In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.
The same guy was still on the desk.
“Morning, madam…Sleep well?”
“Yes, thank you,” Mary replied.
“Food to your liking?”
“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though….They really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully.
“Oh…Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist.
“OK, I will…Thanks!” replied Mary, who checked out and then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!”[/QUOTE]
This is what I'm talking about. :tap:
“Certainly, madam,” he replied courteously.
“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary.
“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “But room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?”
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary.
“Certainly, madam,” he replied.
“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. “In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.
The same guy was still on the desk.
“Morning, madam…Sleep well?”
“Yes, thank you,” Mary replied.
“Food to your liking?”
“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though….They really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully.
“Oh…Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist.
“OK, I will…Thanks!” replied Mary, who checked out and then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!”[/QUOTE]
This is what I'm talking about. :tap:
193.) Swamp Fox - 02/27/2017
British joke...It's a centuries-old tiny island nation...What do you expect?...LOL
194.) bluecat - 02/27/2017
Daddy, what are those two spiders doing," she asked? "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top," she asked? "A Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs," the little girl asked?
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. "Well," she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that crap here in Texas."
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. "Well," she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that crap here in Texas."
195.) The Old Man - 02/27/2017
[ATTACH]558[/ATTACH]..
196.) crookedeye - 02/27/2017
a polish family i guess froze to death according to news reports at a movie theater..they were waiting for the movie closed for the winter to start..
197.) bluecat - 02/27/2017
[QUOTE=crookedeye;47371]a polish family i guess froze to death according to news reports at a movie theater..they were waiting for the movie closed for the winter to start..[/QUOTE]
I'm going to have to go with a chortle on that one.
I'm going to have to go with a chortle on that one.
198.) Swamp Fox - 02/27/2017
This is a true story:
I went looking for fresh Polish jokes just now and came across a forum where a guy was looking for Polish jokes because he has a friend who didn't know they existed (Yeah, :re: I know...), and he (the Polish guy) wanted to explain the phenomenon. The problem is that he can only remember one Polish joke himself (!), which is the one about how you get a one-armed Polack out of a tree. :pop::wink
The guy assured the forum that because he is Polish himself, his request is okay...which is another problem, LOL, but I'll just let that one go.
So anyway, a few people submit some pretty standard and fairly stale Polack jokes, and then one guy posts something like this: "'You might be a Polack if you only know one Polish joke and it's the one about how to get a one-armed Polack out of a tree."
Well, the OP gets all huffy ("Enjoy your ban, troll!") and spends two or three more posts explaining why he's offended that someone told a Polack joke to an actual Polack who asked to hear Polack jokes...
You can't make this stuff up. I can post a link for those who enjoy trainwrecks.
:beer:
I went looking for fresh Polish jokes just now and came across a forum where a guy was looking for Polish jokes because he has a friend who didn't know they existed (Yeah, :re: I know...), and he (the Polish guy) wanted to explain the phenomenon. The problem is that he can only remember one Polish joke himself (!), which is the one about how you get a one-armed Polack out of a tree. :pop::wink
The guy assured the forum that because he is Polish himself, his request is okay...which is another problem, LOL, but I'll just let that one go.
So anyway, a few people submit some pretty standard and fairly stale Polack jokes, and then one guy posts something like this: "'You might be a Polack if you only know one Polish joke and it's the one about how to get a one-armed Polack out of a tree."
Well, the OP gets all huffy ("Enjoy your ban, troll!") and spends two or three more posts explaining why he's offended that someone told a Polack joke to an actual Polack who asked to hear Polack jokes...
You can't make this stuff up. I can post a link for those who enjoy trainwrecks.
:beer:
199.) bluecat - 02/27/2017
LOL!
Bring on the blond jokes?
Bring on the blond jokes?
200.) bluecat - 02/27/2017
What do you call two blonds standing next to each other?
A wind tunnel.
A wind tunnel.
201.) Swamp Fox - 02/27/2017
Maybe in a minute...I've locked myself in my car just now...
202.) Swamp Fox - 02/27/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;47374]LOL!
Bring on the blond jokes?[/QUOTE]
Maybe in a minute...I've locked myself in my car just now...
Bring on the blond jokes?[/QUOTE]
Maybe in a minute...I've locked myself in my car just now...
203.) DParker - 02/27/2017
In my bar-hopping days in Vegas we told "cocktail waitress" jokes...but none of them are PG-13.
204.) The Old Man - 02/27/2017
The Minnesota DNR tried to introduce Coho salmon in the Red River between Northern Minnesota and North Dakota. The river however was too murky for them to reproduce. They tried crossing the Coho with Walleyes in order to get them to reproduce in the muddy waters. The resultant fish bred but didn't fight like a Coho when hooked. In order to breed a fighting fish they crossbred the Coho/walleye with a Musky. They named the hybrid the Kowalski but the damned thing couldn't swim.
205.) Swamp Fox - 02/27/2017
If only this were a forum for adults...LOL...um...I mean an adult forum...err...I mean...
206.) Swamp Fox - 02/27/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;47378]In my bar-hopping days in Vegas we told "cocktail waitress" jokes...but none of them are PG-13.[/QUOTE]
If only this were a forum for adults...LOL...um...I mean an adult forum...err...I mean...
If only this were a forum for adults...LOL...um...I mean an adult forum...err...I mean...
207.) Swamp Fox - 02/27/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;47379]The Minnesota DNR tried to introduce Coho salmon in the Red River between Northern Minnesota and North Dakota. The river however was too murky for them to reproduce. They tried crossing the Coho with Walleyes in order to get them to reproduce in the muddy waters. The resultant fish bred but didn't fight like a Coho when hooked. In order to breed a fighting fish they crossbred the Coho/walleye with a Musky. They named the hybrid the Kowalski but the damned thing couldn't swim.[/QUOTE]
LOL... +2
What do you call a bunch of Polacks standing around wearing turbans?
Packastanleys.
LOL... +2
What do you call a bunch of Polacks standing around wearing turbans?
Packastanleys.
208.) The Old Man - 02/28/2017
Crow Kills
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were
killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
Absolutely amazing!
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were
killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
Absolutely amazing!
209.) DParker - 02/28/2017
Science!
210.) The Old Man - 02/28/2017
Puns, For the Educated Mind:
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
211.) Swamp Fox - 02/28/2017
:grin:
I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next poo could spell disaster.
I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next poo could spell disaster.
212.) Swamp Fox - 02/28/2017
I've been holding that one for a while...
213.) The Old Man - 02/28/2017
I'd hold that one as long as I could. It's gonna hurt!
214.) The Old Man - 02/28/2017
[ATTACH]559[/ATTACH]..
215.) Swamp Fox - 03/01/2017
A guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
“No thank you,” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult,” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But it has my husband pretty upset.”
*
“No thank you,” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult,” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But it has my husband pretty upset.”
*
216.) bluecat - 03/01/2017
One guffaw and a chortle.
217.) DParker - 03/02/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;47413]One guffaw and a chortle.[/QUOTE]
How many giggles will that get you at the current exchange rates?
How many giggles will that get you at the current exchange rates?
218.) The Old Man - 03/02/2017
The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him----he's afraid to cough!"
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him----he's afraid to cough!"
219.) Swamp Fox - 03/02/2017
The NC Highway Patrol pulled a pretty blonde driving a red convertible on a lonely stretch of highway one beautiful spring day, and when the trooper approached the car the girl smiled at him and said, "I'll bet you stopped me just so you could give me an invitation to the NC State Trooper's Ball!"
"No, ma'am, I'm sorry," said the officer. "NC State Troopers don't have balls."
There was an awkward silence for a moment, and then the trooper tipped his hat, said "Have a nice day, ma'am" and walked away.
"No, ma'am, I'm sorry," said the officer. "NC State Troopers don't have balls."
There was an awkward silence for a moment, and then the trooper tipped his hat, said "Have a nice day, ma'am" and walked away.
220.) DParker - 03/02/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47417] "No, ma'am, I'm sorry," said the officer. "NC State Troopers don't have balls." [/QUOTE]
221.) Swamp Fox - 03/02/2017
222.) bluecat - 03/02/2017
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
223.) Swamp Fox - 03/02/2017
"If it weren't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them."
---Don't know who said it, but it's true. :shocked:
---Don't know who said it, but it's true. :shocked:
224.) bluecat - 03/02/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;47414]How many giggles will that get you at the current exchange rates?[/QUOTE]
They've definately been hit hard with regard to the current economy - possibly 10 giggles and a couple of snickers.
They've definately been hit hard with regard to the current economy - possibly 10 giggles and a couple of snickers.
225.) bluecat - 03/02/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47422]"If it weren't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them."
---Don't know who said it, but it's true. :shocked:[/QUOTE]
That sounds like a Yogi'ism.
---Don't know who said it, but it's true. :shocked:[/QUOTE]
That sounds like a Yogi'ism.
226.) DParker - 03/02/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;47421]The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.[/QUOTE]
Being met at the entrance by a clipboard-toting bureaucrat should be your first clue that it's a trap, and that you're not really in Heaven.
Being met at the entrance by a clipboard-toting bureaucrat should be your first clue that it's a trap, and that you're not really in Heaven.
227.) Swamp Fox - 03/02/2017
I think the clipboard is a fairly new thing in Heaven. They started with pictographs, upgraded to stone runes, progressed to scrolls, blew past big cumbersome books and landed on clipboards. Pretty soon they'll feel like they have to have tablets and a data plan. :wink...Freakin' technology...
Speaking of bureaucracy, the other day I visited with the local sheriff, who told me to go out to county lock-up, where I picked up the phone on the wall in the deserted lobby to speak to the guy who controls the locks on the doors which would give me access to the magistrate, from whom I wanted some guidance. The magistrate wasn't behind the first door I opened, so I had to speak to the guy again, this time through the overhead intercom system because he must have been watching video of me opening the wrong door (which he buzzed me through himself).
So, I finally got through the right door to speak to the magistrate behind glass with the aid of a microphone, but not until I'd sworn on the Bible, when all I wanted to do was ask a simple question about where I should start a fairly straightforward case involving someone who has some property of mine and won't pay for it and won't return it.
The magistrate listens to my situation, asks a few questions and refers me out of state, which I was half-expecting, and so I call the magistrate out of state. His office tells me they have two magistrates in that county to handle different regions, and I don't know which region I should be dealing with and have no way to find out. Hmmm. Two magistrates (three, technically) and less than no help. I’m actually progressing backwards.
Can the county sheriff up there investigate? That turns out to be a silly question, because the sheriffs in that area don't do criminal investigations like you would think a sheriff would; all they handle is civil matters. My best bet is to call their state police.
So I innocently call the state police and walk right into a kind of Spanish Inquisition, which I was not expecting, and it turns out that Ms. Torquemada who is taking my information on a recorded line (without disclosure) won't refer me to an officer unless I give her one---no, two--pieces of additional information, which I tell her I'll have to look up and get back to her with. Oh, and by the way, she tells me, the state police may not be able to help anyway, because the state police don’t cover some areas of that state. (And of course I have no way of knowing what area I need to be dealing with in the first place, or I wouldn’t be calling the state police.)
So I hang up and go to three websites to find the information needed to complete Stage One of my investigation for the investigators at the state police, including one governmental website and one quasi-governmental, each as useless as the other. No luck at the third website, either, but that was a desperation move anyway. By a stroke of luck, though, I locate a piece of paper stuck in a desk drawer with the information I need, and I call the state police again.
Ms. Torquemada is still on duty and she takes my call with all the enthusiasm that she displayed in the previous conversation (which is to say none) and quickly and efficiently puts me on hold after taking the info I have for her. After a long enough time that I’m starting to wonder if all the state police have left the building, she comes back with bad news: it sounds like a civil matter according to whatever legal scholar she spoke to, and that I need to start in NC.
Well, three hours earlier I’d had an NC magistrate tell me I needed to start in Pennsylvania, so just to stop the insanity (I thought) I figured I’d call the Clerk of Court here in Mayberry, since the local sheriff and the magistrate had already seen me that day and would probably be sick of me even if I HAD paced myself over the course of a whole afternoon.
I got my duly elected COC on the phone and explained the full situation and my entire trek through the legal system and was a bit surprised that she turned out to be the person least willing to help me that I’d encountered on the whole length and breadth of the East Coast that day, including Ms. Torquemada.
It was becoming pretty clear, if it was not from the start, that her Clerk of Courts office would be where I’d start under normal circumstances, especially if another state were not involved, but facts were not helping with this woman. I figured I couldn’t have been the first person she’d ever encountered to have business across state lines, and that her years of experience in her position would be a benefit to me.
But no. After the usual spiel of “We can’t give you legal advice” [I don’t want legal advice, lady; I just want to know where I should file my freakin’ papers!---I held my tongue, in case you were wondering] she tells me I should consult an attorney to figure it out.
Needless to say, that’s where I left the matter.
It’s obvious at this point that this whole thing is gonna come down to an 11-87 and a ski mask.
Speaking of bureaucracy, the other day I visited with the local sheriff, who told me to go out to county lock-up, where I picked up the phone on the wall in the deserted lobby to speak to the guy who controls the locks on the doors which would give me access to the magistrate, from whom I wanted some guidance. The magistrate wasn't behind the first door I opened, so I had to speak to the guy again, this time through the overhead intercom system because he must have been watching video of me opening the wrong door (which he buzzed me through himself).
So, I finally got through the right door to speak to the magistrate behind glass with the aid of a microphone, but not until I'd sworn on the Bible, when all I wanted to do was ask a simple question about where I should start a fairly straightforward case involving someone who has some property of mine and won't pay for it and won't return it.
The magistrate listens to my situation, asks a few questions and refers me out of state, which I was half-expecting, and so I call the magistrate out of state. His office tells me they have two magistrates in that county to handle different regions, and I don't know which region I should be dealing with and have no way to find out. Hmmm. Two magistrates (three, technically) and less than no help. I’m actually progressing backwards.
Can the county sheriff up there investigate? That turns out to be a silly question, because the sheriffs in that area don't do criminal investigations like you would think a sheriff would; all they handle is civil matters. My best bet is to call their state police.
So I innocently call the state police and walk right into a kind of Spanish Inquisition, which I was not expecting, and it turns out that Ms. Torquemada who is taking my information on a recorded line (without disclosure) won't refer me to an officer unless I give her one---no, two--pieces of additional information, which I tell her I'll have to look up and get back to her with. Oh, and by the way, she tells me, the state police may not be able to help anyway, because the state police don’t cover some areas of that state. (And of course I have no way of knowing what area I need to be dealing with in the first place, or I wouldn’t be calling the state police.)
So I hang up and go to three websites to find the information needed to complete Stage One of my investigation for the investigators at the state police, including one governmental website and one quasi-governmental, each as useless as the other. No luck at the third website, either, but that was a desperation move anyway. By a stroke of luck, though, I locate a piece of paper stuck in a desk drawer with the information I need, and I call the state police again.
Ms. Torquemada is still on duty and she takes my call with all the enthusiasm that she displayed in the previous conversation (which is to say none) and quickly and efficiently puts me on hold after taking the info I have for her. After a long enough time that I’m starting to wonder if all the state police have left the building, she comes back with bad news: it sounds like a civil matter according to whatever legal scholar she spoke to, and that I need to start in NC.
Well, three hours earlier I’d had an NC magistrate tell me I needed to start in Pennsylvania, so just to stop the insanity (I thought) I figured I’d call the Clerk of Court here in Mayberry, since the local sheriff and the magistrate had already seen me that day and would probably be sick of me even if I HAD paced myself over the course of a whole afternoon.
I got my duly elected COC on the phone and explained the full situation and my entire trek through the legal system and was a bit surprised that she turned out to be the person least willing to help me that I’d encountered on the whole length and breadth of the East Coast that day, including Ms. Torquemada.
It was becoming pretty clear, if it was not from the start, that her Clerk of Courts office would be where I’d start under normal circumstances, especially if another state were not involved, but facts were not helping with this woman. I figured I couldn’t have been the first person she’d ever encountered to have business across state lines, and that her years of experience in her position would be a benefit to me.
But no. After the usual spiel of “We can’t give you legal advice” [I don’t want legal advice, lady; I just want to know where I should file my freakin’ papers!---I held my tongue, in case you were wondering] she tells me I should consult an attorney to figure it out.
Needless to say, that’s where I left the matter.
It’s obvious at this point that this whole thing is gonna come down to an 11-87 and a ski mask.
228.) bluecat - 03/02/2017
This could be a job for Chuck Norris. Just think about it.
229.) Swamp Fox - 03/02/2017
230.) DParker - 03/02/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47426]It’s obvious at this point that this whole thing is gonna come down to an 11-87 and a ski mask.[/QUOTE]
The whole time I was reading your story I was thinking it was going to end with the "Your Honor...he [I]needed[/I] killin'!" defense.
The whole time I was reading your story I was thinking it was going to end with the "Your Honor...he [I]needed[/I] killin'!" defense.
231.) Swamp Fox - 03/02/2017
It still might...LOL
232.) Swamp Fox - 03/03/2017
One day a butcher has a lawyer in his shop and the lawyer has his dog with him. The lawyer is asking the butcher about various cuts of meat because he's holding a cookout over the weekend and wants to serve only the best food for his guests. The butcher makes a few suggestions and the lawyer is picking his brain for grilling tips when suddenly the dog grabs a filet mignon from the case and scarfs it down.
"Jeez!" says the butcher. "He's fast! I hate to ask, but if a dog steals a piece of meat like that, would I be within my rights to ask for reimbursement?"
"Certainly," says the lawyer. "How much do I owe you?"
"Well, a filet like that is going for almost $20 a pound," says the butcher, "and that one was almost a pound, so let's just say $15 and call it square. Dogs will be dogs, after all."
The lawyer hands over $15, gets a few ribeyes to take home, and walks out.
Four or five months later, the butcher finds an envelope from the lawyer in his mail. Since he'd never seen the guy since that day in his shop, he'd forgotten all about him.
Curious, he opens the envelope to find an invoice: "Consultation: Almost 1/2 hour, $150.00"
"Jeez!" says the butcher. "He's fast! I hate to ask, but if a dog steals a piece of meat like that, would I be within my rights to ask for reimbursement?"
"Certainly," says the lawyer. "How much do I owe you?"
"Well, a filet like that is going for almost $20 a pound," says the butcher, "and that one was almost a pound, so let's just say $15 and call it square. Dogs will be dogs, after all."
The lawyer hands over $15, gets a few ribeyes to take home, and walks out.
Four or five months later, the butcher finds an envelope from the lawyer in his mail. Since he'd never seen the guy since that day in his shop, he'd forgotten all about him.
Curious, he opens the envelope to find an invoice: "Consultation: Almost 1/2 hour, $150.00"
233.) Swamp Fox - 03/04/2017
A termite walks into a pub and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
234.) The Old Man - 03/05/2017
Fishing on the lake, a famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.
The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.
Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.
"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."
The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.
Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.
"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."
235.) DParker - 03/05/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;47486]Fishing on the lake, a famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.
The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.
Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.
"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."[/QUOTE]
That's actually a good joke...but I've been looking for an excuse to use that meme. :grin:
The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.
Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.
"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."[/QUOTE]
That's actually a good joke...but I've been looking for an excuse to use that meme. :grin:
236.) Swamp Fox - 03/06/2017
237.) bluecat - 03/06/2017
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
238.) Swamp Fox - 03/06/2017
A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a scotch and soda and my dog would like a whiskey sour."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."
The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man. "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to my buddy Rusty here."
The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink?" ask the dog.
The bartender is amazed. "Sure thing, buddy, and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the diner. It'll make her day if you go in and order a side of fries or something. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards."
"Okay," says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So he and the bartender both go off to see what happened to the dog.
They've just stepped out of the bar when they see Rusty going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and diner. The owner shouts, "Rusty! Rusty!! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"
The dog looks at him and shrugs. "Hell, I've never had any money before."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."
The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man. "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to my buddy Rusty here."
The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink?" ask the dog.
The bartender is amazed. "Sure thing, buddy, and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the diner. It'll make her day if you go in and order a side of fries or something. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards."
"Okay," says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So he and the bartender both go off to see what happened to the dog.
They've just stepped out of the bar when they see Rusty going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and diner. The owner shouts, "Rusty! Rusty!! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"
The dog looks at him and shrugs. "Hell, I've never had any money before."
239.) Swamp Fox - 03/06/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;47489]A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"[/QUOTE]
LOL...
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"[/QUOTE]
LOL...
240.) The Old Man - 03/06/2017
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
241.) The Old Man - 03/06/2017
I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latino Mother In Law who live at 1837 3rd St, LA 90023 Blue house.
She gets off work at 6.
She gets off work at 6.
242.) bluecat - 03/06/2017
Good ones TOM :-)
243.) The Old Man - 03/07/2017
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Idaho. He was driving along near a campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt.
The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 8-foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest.
The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"
The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 8-foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest.
The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"
244.) The Old Man - 03/07/2017
WHY WOMEN MAKE BETTER ASSASSINS
The C I A had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the C I A agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife.” The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home.“
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. "The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him with the chair.”
The C I A had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the C I A agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife.” The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home.“
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. "The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him with the chair.”
245.) Swamp Fox - 03/07/2017
LOL!
246.) Swamp Fox - 03/07/2017
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush in and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?" they ask.
"Oh, yes, it’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush in and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?" they ask.
"Oh, yes, it’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."
247.) bluecat - 03/07/2017
:-) bravo for all
248.) Swamp Fox - 03/08/2017
249.) Swamp Fox - 03/09/2017
A blonde wanted to go ice-fishing. She'd heard a lot about it, but had never done it.
So she gets all the necessary stuff together, and heads out. She picks a spot, takes her seat and starts making a hole in the ice. Suddenly ---from up above--- a voice booms, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
Startled, the blonde moves further down the ice, poured a Thermos of hot tea and begins to cut a new hole. Again, from on high, the voice bellows, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
The blonde, who wan't expecting any of this but always wondered how you find fish under the ice in the first place, moves way down the opposite end of the ice to a third set-up, and again tries to cut her hole.
The voice comes once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
The blonde stops, looks skyward, and yells, "Who are you --- God?"
The voice replies, "NO, I OWN THE ICE-RINK!"
So she gets all the necessary stuff together, and heads out. She picks a spot, takes her seat and starts making a hole in the ice. Suddenly ---from up above--- a voice booms, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
Startled, the blonde moves further down the ice, poured a Thermos of hot tea and begins to cut a new hole. Again, from on high, the voice bellows, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
The blonde, who wan't expecting any of this but always wondered how you find fish under the ice in the first place, moves way down the opposite end of the ice to a third set-up, and again tries to cut her hole.
The voice comes once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
The blonde stops, looks skyward, and yells, "Who are you --- God?"
The voice replies, "NO, I OWN THE ICE-RINK!"
250.) bluecat - 03/09/2017
One chuckle, a muffled guffaw and 2 chortles.
251.) Swamp Fox - 03/10/2017
252.) Swamp Fox - 03/10/2017
A guy's stranded on a desert island for ten years, all alone. One day, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. The guy thinks he's hallucinating, but she smiles at him and asks, "How long has it been since you had a smoke?"
"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a fine cigar and lights it for him. He takes a few puffs, and says, "Man oh man, is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a cold beer?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips the pocket on her right sleeve, and pulls out an ice cold beer, opens it and hands it to him. He drinks the whole bottle in a few gulps and says, "Wow, that was fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the length of her wet suit, and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the guy yells, "Oh my God! Don't tell me you have a fishing rod in there!"
[P.S.-- This joke also works with bluetooth digital thermometers, phone apps, and Cabela's catalogs. I'm trying to decide if it works with any kind of smoker, electric or otherwise. :wink]
"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a fine cigar and lights it for him. He takes a few puffs, and says, "Man oh man, is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a cold beer?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips the pocket on her right sleeve, and pulls out an ice cold beer, opens it and hands it to him. He drinks the whole bottle in a few gulps and says, "Wow, that was fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the length of her wet suit, and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the guy yells, "Oh my God! Don't tell me you have a fishing rod in there!"
[P.S.-- This joke also works with bluetooth digital thermometers, phone apps, and Cabela's catalogs. I'm trying to decide if it works with any kind of smoker, electric or otherwise. :wink]
253.) bluecat - 03/10/2017
Well done...:wink
254.) bluecat - 03/10/2017
Husband: Shall we try a new position tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.
255.) Swamp Fox - 03/10/2017
LOL...That's actually one of my favorites...:laugh:
256.) The Old Man - 03/12/2017
Three econometricians went deer hunting and came across a nice buck.
The first econometrician fired but missed by a yard left.
The second econometrician fired also but missed by a yard right.
The third econometrician didn't fire but shouted in triumph,
"We got it! We got it".
The first econometrician fired but missed by a yard left.
The second econometrician fired also but missed by a yard right.
The third econometrician didn't fire but shouted in triumph,
"We got it! We got it".
257.) The Old Man - 03/12/2017
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says "You're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?"
The horse ponders a moment and says "I don't think I am", and poof, he disappears.
This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, "I think, therefore I am".
But, telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
The bartender says "You're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?"
The horse ponders a moment and says "I don't think I am", and poof, he disappears.
This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, "I think, therefore I am".
But, telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
258.) Swamp Fox - 03/13/2017
LOL...How many jokes do you ever hear about econometricians...
259.) Swamp Fox - 03/13/2017
A sorry-looking horse walks into a bar, coughing and with a bandage on his head.
He orders a shot of Patron, a premium beer and two fingers of Jack Black. He slams the shot, sips the beer and savors the whiskey. He notices the bartender watching him and says, "I guess I really shouldn't be drinking all this with what I've got."
And the bartender comes over and says, "Why? What've you got?"
And the horse says, "About five dollars and a carrot."
He orders a shot of Patron, a premium beer and two fingers of Jack Black. He slams the shot, sips the beer and savors the whiskey. He notices the bartender watching him and says, "I guess I really shouldn't be drinking all this with what I've got."
And the bartender comes over and says, "Why? What've you got?"
And the horse says, "About five dollars and a carrot."
260.) bluecat - 03/13/2017
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a horse walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the horse's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the horse. "Your name is written inside the cover."
261.) bluecat - 03/14/2017
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a horse sitting next to him. "Are you a horse?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The horse replied, "Well, I liked the book."
262.) bluecat - 03/14/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;47581]Three econometricians went deer hunting and came across a nice buck.
The first econometrician fired but missed by a yard left.
The second econometrician fired also but missed by a yard right.
The third econometrician didn't fire but shouted in triumph,
"We got it! We got it".[/QUOTE]
That's an average joke. :wink
The first econometrician fired but missed by a yard left.
The second econometrician fired also but missed by a yard right.
The third econometrician didn't fire but shouted in triumph,
"We got it! We got it".[/QUOTE]
That's an average joke. :wink
263.) Swamp Fox - 03/14/2017
Are horse jokes the new elephant jokes?
Because if so: :grin:
Because if so: :grin:
264.) bluecat - 03/14/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47612]LOL...How many jokes do you ever hear about econometricians...[/QUOTE]
1 (+-) 1
1 (+-) 1
265.) Swamp Fox - 03/14/2017
LOL...Probably a +4....
"I wasn't really expecting an answer..."
"I wasn't really expecting an answer..."
266.) Swamp Fox - 03/14/2017
This is one of those lists of funny things kids answer on tests. According to the email I got when I saved it, these are the original and unedited answers to Bible questions, with spelling and grammar untouched. I believe it, because when has my email ever lied to me?
****
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she signed the Magna Carta.
Jesus was born because Mary had a immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone.
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
****
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she signed the Magna Carta.
Jesus was born because Mary had a immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone.
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
267.) bluecat - 03/14/2017
LMAO!
268.) bluecat - 03/14/2017
Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?” Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”
269.) DParker - 03/14/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47649]LOL...Probably a +4....
"I wasn't really expecting an answer..."[/QUOTE]
What [I]were[/I] you expecting?
"I wasn't really expecting an answer..."[/QUOTE]
What [I]were[/I] you expecting?
270.) Swamp Fox - 03/15/2017
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"
And the horse says, "Oh, man, not you, too! I just came from the Polish bar across the street and had to explain the basic equine physiology five times!"
And the horse says, "Oh, man, not you, too! I just came from the Polish bar across the street and had to explain the basic equine physiology five times!"
271.) Swamp Fox - 03/16/2017
A white horse walks into a bar and the bartender figures he'll have a little fun with him.
"Hey!" says the bartender. "We have a whiskey named after you."
And the horse says, "You have a whiskey named Mike?"
"Hey!" says the bartender. "We have a whiskey named after you."
And the horse says, "You have a whiskey named Mike?"
272.) DParker - 03/16/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47689]A white horse walks into a bar and the bartender figures he'll have a little fun with him.
"Hey!" says the bartender. "We have a whiskey named after you."
And the horse says, "You have a whiskey named Mike?"[/QUOTE]
That joke Triggered me.
"Hey!" says the bartender. "We have a whiskey named after you."
And the horse says, "You have a whiskey named Mike?"[/QUOTE]
That joke Triggered me.
273.) bluecat - 03/16/2017
It was funny at first and then it stalled.
274.) DParker - 03/16/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;47693]It was funny at first and then it stalled.[/QUOTE]
And I don't think he's particularly stable.
And I don't think he's particularly stable.
275.) bluecat - 03/16/2017
We could take a gallop poll as to how many people enjoyed that joke.
276.) Swamp Fox - 03/16/2017
Whoa!...What's with all the horstility?
277.) DParker - 03/16/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47696]Whoa!...What's with all the horstility?[/QUOTE]
Hey, let's rein in that defensiveness.
Hey, let's rein in that defensiveness.
278.) bluecat - 03/16/2017
If the shoe fits...
279.) Swamp Fox - 03/16/2017
You two are just trying to stirrup trouble...
280.) DParker - 03/16/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47700]You two are just trying to stirrup trouble...[/QUOTE]
How tacky.
How tacky.
281.) bluecat - 03/16/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47700]You two are just trying to stirrup trouble...[/QUOTE]
Well you spurred it on!
Well you spurred it on!
282.) Swamp Fox - 03/16/2017
Don't saddle ME with the blame!
I just told a joke...YOU two started the Punny Express...
I just told a joke...YOU two started the Punny Express...
283.) bluecat - 03/16/2017
You're part of this dog and pony show too.
284.) Swamp Fox - 03/16/2017
We need to rope some more people on to this thread before it withers...Though odds are we're a long way from the finish line.
285.) DParker - 03/16/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47704]Don't saddle ME with the blame![/QUOTE]
Neigh-sayer.
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47704]I just told a joke...YOU two started the Punny Express...[/QUOTE]
It was a palindrome.
Neigh-sayer.
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47704]I just told a joke...YOU two started the Punny Express...[/QUOTE]
It was a palindrome.
286.) bluecat - 03/16/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47710]We need to rope some more people on to this thread before it withers...Though odds are we're a long way from the finish line.[/QUOTE]
I fear it will just plod along like the other threads.
I fear it will just plod along like the other threads.
287.) bluecat - 03/16/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;47711]Neigh-sayer.
It was a palindrome.[/QUOTE]
No, it isn't. The palindrome of horse would be notlob.
It was a palindrome.[/QUOTE]
No, it isn't. The palindrome of horse would be notlob.
288.) Swamp Fox - 03/16/2017
You're using stunococ!
289.) Swamp Fox - 03/17/2017
A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub when a tipsy Irishman stands up from his table and shouts, “You're making out we're all dumb, drunk and lookin’ for a fight! I ought to punch you right in the gob!”
“I'm sorry, sir, I...........” stammers the ventriloquist.
“Not you, ya lace-curtain bastard!” yells Mick. “I'm talkin’ to that little fella on yer knee!”
“I'm sorry, sir, I...........” stammers the ventriloquist.
“Not you, ya lace-curtain bastard!” yells Mick. “I'm talkin’ to that little fella on yer knee!”
290.) bluecat - 03/17/2017
Good one.
Never iron a four-leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.
Never iron a four-leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.
291.) Swamp Fox - 03/17/2017
:-)
An American couple are in Ireland on vacation, and one night they're in an out-of-the-way pub and decide to strike up a conversation with one of the local luminaries.
"We're going out to the castle tomorrow," they tell him.
"Ah, goin' to kiss the Blarney Stone, are ya?" he replies.
"Yes!" says the woman. "We're so excited! Can you tell us the easiest way to get there? We're staying in Cork."
The Irishman takes a sip of his pint and asks, "Are ya drivin', walkin', or takin' the bus?"
"We're driving," they say.
"Well, that would be the easiest way," says he.
An American couple are in Ireland on vacation, and one night they're in an out-of-the-way pub and decide to strike up a conversation with one of the local luminaries.
"We're going out to the castle tomorrow," they tell him.
"Ah, goin' to kiss the Blarney Stone, are ya?" he replies.
"Yes!" says the woman. "We're so excited! Can you tell us the easiest way to get there? We're staying in Cork."
The Irishman takes a sip of his pint and asks, "Are ya drivin', walkin', or takin' the bus?"
"We're driving," they say.
"Well, that would be the easiest way," says he.
292.) DParker - 03/17/2017
[video=youtube;Cbenhxn8Xwo]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbenhxn8Xwo[/video]
293.) Swamp Fox - 03/17/2017
A Texan goes to Ireland for business, and the first chance he gets, he visits a pub to see what he's up against.
The pub's crowded, so he stands up on a chair and shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools! I'll wager a thousand American dollars it's not true! That none of you can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back!"
The room is quiet and there's some shuffling of feet and a few lads seem almost game, but no one takes the Texan's offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up quietly and leaves the bar. Things return to normal, and the Texan buys a round for the house just to show he's a gracious winner. Everyone's getting on just fine.
Thirty minutes later, Paddy shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.
"Well, sure," says the Texan, and he tells the bartender to set Paddy up with ten pints.
One by one, Paddy downs each beer, pausing between them only to wipe his mouth on his sleeve and take a deep breath before starting on the next glass. The pub patrons cheer and the Texan gawks in amazement. Paddy finishes all ten pints, and raises his arms high in triumph!
With a wide smile, the Texan counts out $1000 in crisp cash for Paddy, slaps him on the back and vigorously shakes his hand.
"If you don't mind me askin'," says the Texan amid all the hoopla, "Where'd you go for that thirty minutes before you took my bet? Did you have to think about it?"
"Well, sorta," Paddy says. "I had t' go t' the pub down the street t' see if I could do it first."
The pub's crowded, so he stands up on a chair and shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools! I'll wager a thousand American dollars it's not true! That none of you can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back!"
The room is quiet and there's some shuffling of feet and a few lads seem almost game, but no one takes the Texan's offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up quietly and leaves the bar. Things return to normal, and the Texan buys a round for the house just to show he's a gracious winner. Everyone's getting on just fine.
Thirty minutes later, Paddy shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.
"Well, sure," says the Texan, and he tells the bartender to set Paddy up with ten pints.
One by one, Paddy downs each beer, pausing between them only to wipe his mouth on his sleeve and take a deep breath before starting on the next glass. The pub patrons cheer and the Texan gawks in amazement. Paddy finishes all ten pints, and raises his arms high in triumph!
With a wide smile, the Texan counts out $1000 in crisp cash for Paddy, slaps him on the back and vigorously shakes his hand.
"If you don't mind me askin'," says the Texan amid all the hoopla, "Where'd you go for that thirty minutes before you took my bet? Did you have to think about it?"
"Well, sorta," Paddy says. "I had t' go t' the pub down the street t' see if I could do it first."
294.) bluecat - 03/17/2017
Okay, that is much too silly.
295.) bluecat - 03/17/2017
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling “spit it out, spit it out you bastard”
296.) DParker - 03/17/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47742]A Texan goes to Ireland for business, and the first chance he gets, he visits a pub to see what he's up against.
The pub's crowded, so he stands up on a chair and shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools! I'll wager a thousand American dollars it's not true! That none of you can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back!"
The room is quiet and there's some shuffling of feet and a few lads seem almost game, but no one takes the Texan's offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up quietly and leaves the bar. Things return to normal, and the Texan buys a round for the house just to show he's a gracious winner. Everyone's getting on just fine.
Thirty minutes later, Paddy shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.
"Well, sure," says the Texan, and he tells the bartender to set Paddy up with ten pints.
One by one, Paddy downs each beer, pausing between them only to wipe his mouth on his sleeve and take a deep breath before starting on the next glass. The pub patrons cheer and the Texan gawks in amazement. Paddy finishes all ten pints, and raises his arms high in triumph!
With a wide smile, the Texan counts out $1000 in crisp cash for Paddy, slaps him on the back and vigorously shakes his hand.
"If you don't mind me askin'," says the Texan amid all the hoopla, "Where'd you go for that thirty minutes before you took my bet? Did you have to think about it?"
"Well, sorta," Paddy says. "I had t' go t' the pub down the street t' see if I could do it first."[/QUOTE]
The pub's crowded, so he stands up on a chair and shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools! I'll wager a thousand American dollars it's not true! That none of you can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back!"
The room is quiet and there's some shuffling of feet and a few lads seem almost game, but no one takes the Texan's offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up quietly and leaves the bar. Things return to normal, and the Texan buys a round for the house just to show he's a gracious winner. Everyone's getting on just fine.
Thirty minutes later, Paddy shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.
"Well, sure," says the Texan, and he tells the bartender to set Paddy up with ten pints.
One by one, Paddy downs each beer, pausing between them only to wipe his mouth on his sleeve and take a deep breath before starting on the next glass. The pub patrons cheer and the Texan gawks in amazement. Paddy finishes all ten pints, and raises his arms high in triumph!
With a wide smile, the Texan counts out $1000 in crisp cash for Paddy, slaps him on the back and vigorously shakes his hand.
"If you don't mind me askin'," says the Texan amid all the hoopla, "Where'd you go for that thirty minutes before you took my bet? Did you have to think about it?"
"Well, sorta," Paddy says. "I had t' go t' the pub down the street t' see if I could do it first."[/QUOTE]
297.) Swamp Fox - 03/18/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;47745] “spit it out, spit it out you bastard”[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=DParker;47747][/QUOTE]
:-)......
[QUOTE=DParker;47747]
[/QUOTE]:-)......
298.) The Old Man - 03/19/2017
Paddy walked into a bar on St Patrick's Day and started ordering martini after martini.
With each drink, he removed the olives and put them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and he'd finished all the drinks, Paddy started to leave.
As he did so, a curious customer asked him, "Excuse me, but what was that all about?"
"Nothing really," replied Paddy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
With each drink, he removed the olives and put them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and he'd finished all the drinks, Paddy started to leave.
As he did so, a curious customer asked him, "Excuse me, but what was that all about?"
"Nothing really," replied Paddy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
299.) The Old Man - 03/19/2017
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love. Furious he called the artist in.
"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it, 'Holy cow look at all those f'ing Indians!'"
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love. Furious he called the artist in.
"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it, 'Holy cow look at all those f'ing Indians!'"
300.) Swamp Fox - 03/19/2017
:laugh:.....
301.) The Old Man - 03/20/2017
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?”
‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening – he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all…”
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well… It’s just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?”
‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening – he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all…”
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well… It’s just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”
302.) Swamp Fox - 03/20/2017
LOL...That's a classic.
I think I'm gonna get stingy with my other Irish jokes ("I got a million of 'em!" ) 'til next Paddy's Day, or until Crookedeye has time to catch up with some Polack jokes, whichever comes first. :fire:
But on the off chance this will spur a spin-off thread about a trip to the liquor store for ingredients--And who doesn't think we need some spin-off threads around here?-- I'll tell this one:
An Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman are sitting together in a pub. They haven't seen each other in a long time, but each of them had had a son born that year.
The Englishman says, "My son was born on St. George's Day, so we named him George."
The Scot pipes up [see what I did there?] and says, "My son was born on St. Andrew's Day, so we named him Andrew!"
And the Irishman's eyes got wide and he says, "Jaysus! That's exactly what happened with me boy Pancake!"
I think I'm gonna get stingy with my other Irish jokes ("I got a million of 'em!" ) 'til next Paddy's Day, or until Crookedeye has time to catch up with some Polack jokes, whichever comes first. :fire:
But on the off chance this will spur a spin-off thread about a trip to the liquor store for ingredients--And who doesn't think we need some spin-off threads around here?-- I'll tell this one:
An Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman are sitting together in a pub. They haven't seen each other in a long time, but each of them had had a son born that year.
The Englishman says, "My son was born on St. George's Day, so we named him George."
The Scot pipes up [see what I did there?] and says, "My son was born on St. Andrew's Day, so we named him Andrew!"
And the Irishman's eyes got wide and he says, "Jaysus! That's exactly what happened with me boy Pancake!"
303.) crookedeye - 03/20/2017
did you hear about the pollock that locked his keys in his car? it took him almost two hours to get his family out..
304.) DParker - 03/20/2017
[QUOTE=crookedeye;47771]did you hear about the pollock that locked his keys in his car? it took him almost two hours to get his family out..[/QUOTE]
Why are you always picking on these poor things?
Why are you always picking on these poor things?
305.) Swamp Fox - 03/20/2017
"What's up, Cod?" asked the dyslexic cratoon bunyn.
"He who smelt it, dealt it," answered his gasrtoneterlogoist.
"He who smelt it, dealt it," answered his gasrtoneterlogoist.
306.) The Old Man - 03/21/2017
It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'" "Breakfast was my idea."
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'" "Breakfast was my idea."
307.) Swamp Fox - 03/21/2017
LOL...+3
308.) The Old Man - 03/21/2017
:laugh:
309.) The Old Man - 03/21/2017
The pessimist sees a dark tunnel…
The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel
…and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.
The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel
…and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.
310.) Swamp Fox - 03/21/2017
A horse walks into a bar after a long day, and the bartender greets him with a friendly "Hey!"
And the horse grabs a stool and plops down wearily and says, "Buddy, you read my mind."
And the horse grabs a stool and plops down wearily and says, "Buddy, you read my mind."
311.) Swamp Fox - 03/22/2017
Duke grad:
312.) Swamp Fox - 03/22/2017
Duke grad:
313.) Wild Bob - 03/22/2017
An Irishman walked out of a bar.
314.) Swamp Fox - 03/22/2017
LOL...
Hey, WB! :wave::beer:
DP already got that one early in the thread, but there's no penalty for inadvertent repeats around here, so you're good.
Plus it gives me an excuse to use this tired old version toward my quota:
An Irishman walked out of a bar....................................................................................................................
(yuk, yuk, yuk)
........................................................And the bouncer said, "What is this-----a joke?"
Hey, WB! :wave::beer:
DP already got that one early in the thread, but there's no penalty for inadvertent repeats around here, so you're good.
Plus it gives me an excuse to use this tired old version toward my quota:
An Irishman walked out of a bar....................................................................................................................
(yuk, yuk, yuk)
........................................................And the bouncer said, "What is this-----a joke?"
315.) Wild Bob - 03/22/2017
Guess I should have read the whole thread before posting.
316.) Swamp Fox - 03/22/2017
Not required. But I think Alex gives you points toward valuable prizes if you do.
317.) DParker - 03/22/2017
[QUOTE=Wild Bob;47838]Guess I should have read the whole thread before posting.[/QUOTE]
318.) Wild Bob - 03/22/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;47842][/QUOTE]
Ain't that the truth...I'm doing good to steel away and spend a few minutes on here.
[/QUOTE]Ain't that the truth...I'm doing good to steel away and spend a few minutes on here.
319.) Swamp Fox - 03/22/2017
LOL...
It's not that hard if you read a few posts each day...LOL
:poke:
It's not that hard if you read a few posts each day...LOL
:poke:
320.) Swamp Fox - 03/22/2017
Which is all we have around here...
:wink
:wink
321.) bluecat - 03/23/2017
I type my fingers to the bone.:tap:
322.) Swamp Fox - 03/23/2017
In the old days, you would have slaved over a hot stove...LOL
323.) bluecat - 03/23/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;47867]In the old days, you would have slaved over a hot stove...LOL[/QUOTE]
+2 :-)
+2 :-)
324.) bluecat - 03/23/2017
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
325.) Swamp Fox - 03/23/2017
LOL...
326.) Swamp Fox - 03/23/2017
A horse walks through a couple of bars...
And the cow says,
"If I knew you were comin', I'd've opened a gate."
And the cow says,
"If I knew you were comin', I'd've opened a gate."
327.) DParker - 03/23/2017
+5 for the old folks-oriented reference.
328.) bluecat - 03/23/2017
Had to right click on the image hoping there would be some searchable information in the URL. Fortunately there was. Then on to google to see that she liked to make dessert for people who randomly show up.
+.5 for making me do all that work and being clandestine in your little bakery jokes. LOL!
+.5 for making me do all that work and being clandestine in your little bakery jokes. LOL!
329.) Swamp Fox - 03/23/2017
330.) bluecat - 03/23/2017
Dude looks like a lady.
+2 Saved you the trouble.
+2 Saved you the trouble.
331.) Swamp Fox - 03/23/2017
Thanks, boys! It's good to know all my hard work is paying off!
332.) Swamp Fox - 03/23/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;47877]Dude looks like a lady.
+2 Saved you the trouble.[/QUOTE]
LOL.....
+2 Saved you the trouble.[/QUOTE]
LOL.....
333.) bluecat - 03/23/2017
The question is, which one of those characters has the better voice?
334.) bluecat - 03/23/2017
A blonde and brunette are having tea when suddenly the phone rings. The blonde picks it up and immediantely starts crying.
Her brunette friend asks her, "Why are you crying dear?"
Blonde says, "Because my mom just called and said that my father just died. "I'm so sorry," says the brunette.
The blonde finally stops crying, when the phone rings again. She picks it up and starts crying again.
The brunette asks again whats wrong, to which the blonde replies, "My brother just called and said that his father died too."
Her brunette friend asks her, "Why are you crying dear?"
Blonde says, "Because my mom just called and said that my father just died. "I'm so sorry," says the brunette.
The blonde finally stops crying, when the phone rings again. She picks it up and starts crying again.
The brunette asks again whats wrong, to which the blonde replies, "My brother just called and said that his father died too."
335.) bluecat - 03/23/2017
It's okay, some of my best friends are blondes.
336.) The Old Man - 03/23/2017
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the young braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”
John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the young braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”
John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
337.) bluecat - 03/23/2017
TOM, mostly we deal in physical comedy in this forum, you know, pie in the face, slipping on a banana, two fingers to the eyes. Cerebral humor is sort of frowned on but I'll allow this, this time.
Forum moderator
Forum moderator
338.) Swamp Fox - 03/23/2017
LOL.
What's black and blue and red all over?
A natural redhead who's told too many blonde jokes.
What's black and blue and red all over?
A natural redhead who's told too many blonde jokes.
339.) Swamp Fox - 03/24/2017
The following report turned up on the sports page of an Irish newspaper:
[QUOTE]The England football team went out to visit an orphanage in Cape Town, South Africa on Saturday morning.
"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible," said Jamal Umboto, aged 6.
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]The England football team went out to visit an orphanage in Cape Town, South Africa on Saturday morning.
"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible," said Jamal Umboto, aged 6.
[/QUOTE]
340.) Swamp Fox - 03/24/2017
I heard about this guy who was 1/2 English and 1/2 Scottish...
He wanted a drink, but couldn't bring himself to buy one.
He wanted a drink, but couldn't bring himself to buy one.
341.) Swamp Fox - 03/24/2017
An Englishman is giving a lecture in Dublin on the history of the British Empire, and he notes that in America and Canada there was a lot of intermingling of settlers and pioneers with the Indians.
"You find quite a lot of sex and intermarriage with Indian women with the Scots and the French, and even the Irish," he explains. "But you don't find much with the English."
"Not surprising!" yells a man from the back of the hall. "The women had to draw a line somewhere!"
"You find quite a lot of sex and intermarriage with Indian women with the Scots and the French, and even the Irish," he explains. "But you don't find much with the English."
"Not surprising!" yells a man from the back of the hall. "The women had to draw a line somewhere!"
342.) DParker - 03/24/2017
An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.
"Lord," he prayed, "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation the Irishman said, "Never mind, I found one."
"Lord," he prayed, "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation the Irishman said, "Never mind, I found one."
343.) Swamp Fox - 03/24/2017
LOL!...Hadn't heard that one before! :beer:
344.) The Old Man - 03/26/2017
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old
friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the
hospital and went home, I went to visit.*
*'May I see the new baby?' I asked*>>
*'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'*
*Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'*
*'No, not yet,' She said.*
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'*
*'No, not yet,' replied my friend.*
*Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'*
*'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.*
*'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. *
*'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'*
*'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?'*
friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the
hospital and went home, I went to visit.*
*'May I see the new baby?' I asked*>>
*'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'*
*Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'*
*'No, not yet,' She said.*
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'*
*'No, not yet,' replied my friend.*
*Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'*
*'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.*
*'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. *
*'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'*
*'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?'*
345.) Swamp Fox - 03/26/2017
LOL...
So what's my excuse?
So what's my excuse?
346.) The Old Man - 03/27/2017
Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a po-lice roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”
“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said.
“We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?” asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?” said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?”
“No sir,” Earl said. “We’re on the patch.”
The passenger, Bubba, said, “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a po-lice roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”
“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said.
“We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?” asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?” said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?”
“No sir,” Earl said. “We’re on the patch.”
347.) Swamp Fox - 03/27/2017
LOL! +3
348.) Swamp Fox - 03/27/2017
Two guys are sitting at a bar and one says to the other: "Did you know that lions have sex 10 or 15 times a night?".
The other guy says, "Damn! I just joined the Rotary Club."
The other guy says, "Damn! I just joined the Rotary Club."
349.) The Old Man - 03/27/2017
:beer: Good one!
350.) The Old Man - 03/28/2017
Things that make you go Hmmmm?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
351.) Swamp Fox - 03/28/2017
A bird walks into a bar, hops up on a stool and orders a shot of tequila.
Watching the bartender pour, he notices something about the bottle.
"Hey," he says, "Isn't there supposed to be a worm in there?"
And the bartender says, "You should have been here earlier."
Watching the bartender pour, he notices something about the bottle.
"Hey," he says, "Isn't there supposed to be a worm in there?"
And the bartender says, "You should have been here earlier."
352.) bluecat - 03/28/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;48019]A bird walks into a bar, hops up on a stool and orders a shot of tequila.
Watching the bartender pour, he notices something about the bottle.
"Hey," he says, "Isn't there supposed to be a worm in there?"
And the bartender says, "You should have been here earlier."[/QUOTE]
Me likey!
Watching the bartender pour, he notices something about the bottle.
"Hey," he says, "Isn't there supposed to be a worm in there?"
And the bartender says, "You should have been here earlier."[/QUOTE]
Me likey!
353.) Swamp Fox - 03/29/2017
354.) bluecat - 03/29/2017
The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
355.) The Old Man - 03/29/2017
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff: Height ?
Husband: I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight ?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes ?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair ?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing ?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in ?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?
Husband : A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we’ll find your truck.
Sheriff: Height ?
Husband: I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight ?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes ?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair ?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing ?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in ?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?
Husband : A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we’ll find your truck.
356.) bluecat - 03/29/2017
:ach:
357.) bluecat - 03/29/2017
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
358.) Swamp Fox - 03/29/2017
LOL...
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution."
----Mae West
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution."
----Mae West
359.) bluecat - 03/29/2017
Is that a sofa cushion hat?
360.) Swamp Fox - 03/29/2017
No, but I don't expect everyone to be an expert on big hats.
You'd flip out if you saw her shoes, though...
Four three two one...ba dum bum...
:grin:
You'd flip out if you saw her shoes, though...
Four three two one...ba dum bum...
:grin:
361.) The Old Man - 03/30/2017
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted" & lo & behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again & he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends & bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark",came the reply.
Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me again."
Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted" & lo & behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again & he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends & bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark",came the reply.
Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me again."
Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
362.) Swamp Fox - 03/30/2017
LOL! I was slightly suspicious when the cod made an appearance in the story, but I didn't see [B]that[/B] coming!
:applause:
:applause:
363.) bluecat - 03/30/2017
We need more doc in our world.
dyslexic joke follower
dyslexic joke follower
364.) Swamp Fox - 03/30/2017
365.) Swamp Fox - 03/30/2017
366.) DParker - 03/30/2017
And now for something completely (though really, not at all) different....
[video=youtube;IhJQp-q1Y1s]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhJQp-q1Y1s[/video]
[video=youtube;IhJQp-q1Y1s]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhJQp-q1Y1s[/video]
367.) bluecat - 03/31/2017
A news agency researched and reported the factual news and didn't leave out anything.
368.) Swamp Fox - 03/31/2017
Something dolphinately needs to be done. All these people promoting bilge, and everyone drinking the seawater...They're giving me a haddock!
369.) The Old Man - 03/31/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;48101]A news agency researched and reported the factual news and didn't leave out anything.[/QUOTE]
:laugh::laugh::laugh: That's a good one!! :laugh::laugh::laugh:
:laugh::laugh::laugh: That's a good one!! :laugh::laugh::laugh:
370.) The Old Man - 03/31/2017
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now; and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, “Sir… There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man… “But let me tell you about my weekend!”
The man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now; and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, “Sir… There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man… “But let me tell you about my weekend!”
371.) The Old Man - 03/31/2017
Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.
The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.
A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.
Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.
"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."
"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.
"O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."
The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.
"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked.
"Well," said the ranger...
"I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"
The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.
A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.
Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.
"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."
"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.
"O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."
The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.
"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked.
"Well," said the ranger...
"I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"
372.) DParker - 03/31/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;48101]A news agency researched and reported the factual news and didn't leave out anything.[/QUOTE]
C'mon, man. I can suspend my disbelief as well as anyone for the sake of a joke...but there's got to be at least [I]SOME[/I] germ of reality to it.
C'mon, man. I can suspend my disbelief as well as anyone for the sake of a joke...but there's got to be at least [I]SOME[/I] germ of reality to it.
373.) DParker - 03/31/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;48106]A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now; and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, “Sir… There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man… “But let me tell you about my weekend!”[/QUOTE]
That's one of those really good ones where even though you can see the punchline coming a mile a way it's still funny when you get there.
The man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now; and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, “Sir… There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man… “But let me tell you about my weekend!”[/QUOTE]
That's one of those really good ones where even though you can see the punchline coming a mile a way it's still funny when you get there.
374.) The Old Man - 03/31/2017
Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.
The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.
A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.
Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.
"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."
"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.
"O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."
The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.
"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked.
"Well," said the ranger...
"I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"
The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.
A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.
Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.
"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."
"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.
"O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."
The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.
"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked.
"Well," said the ranger...
"I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"
375.) Swamp Fox - 03/31/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;48110]Two guys were walking in the woods one day...[/QUOTE]
"I heard that one already...."
(Posts 365 and 368...LOL)
Don't worry...They were both good both times! :beer:
"I heard that one already...."
(Posts 365 and 368...LOL)
Don't worry...They were both good both times! :beer:
376.) DParker - 03/31/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;48107]"I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"[/QUOTE]
On a related note...
A WWII Czechoslovakian fighter pilot is flying an Allied mission over Nazi-occupied France when he gets into a dogfight with a Messerschmidt. In spite of giving his all the Allied pilot is shot down, and is forced to eject from his plane over an open field. Knowing there are likely German patrols in the area he needs to hide himself until dusk. There is only an unusually small hedgerow nearby, but...being only 5 ft tall and of slender build, fighter pilots needing to be of small stature due to the space restrictions of the small cockpits of such airplanes...he is able to completely conceal himself in the small cover afforded him.
After the sun begins to set a few hours later he sneaks out and heads for the farmhouse that he spotting in the distance during his parachute descent. An hour or later, after quietly making his way through fields and hedges he finally arrives at the little French farmhouse where he hopes the occupants will be sympathetic to his plight and conceal him from the Germans until he can make contact with the local French resistance and get spirited away to safety. He knocks on the door for a moment and, when the farmer answers, the pilot asks....
"Pardon me, but can you cache a small Czech?"
On a related note...
A WWII Czechoslovakian fighter pilot is flying an Allied mission over Nazi-occupied France when he gets into a dogfight with a Messerschmidt. In spite of giving his all the Allied pilot is shot down, and is forced to eject from his plane over an open field. Knowing there are likely German patrols in the area he needs to hide himself until dusk. There is only an unusually small hedgerow nearby, but...being only 5 ft tall and of slender build, fighter pilots needing to be of small stature due to the space restrictions of the small cockpits of such airplanes...he is able to completely conceal himself in the small cover afforded him.
After the sun begins to set a few hours later he sneaks out and heads for the farmhouse that he spotting in the distance during his parachute descent. An hour or later, after quietly making his way through fields and hedges he finally arrives at the little French farmhouse where he hopes the occupants will be sympathetic to his plight and conceal him from the Germans until he can make contact with the local French resistance and get spirited away to safety. He knocks on the door for a moment and, when the farmer answers, the pilot asks....
"Pardon me, but can you cache a small Czech?"
377.) The Old Man - 03/31/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;48111]"I heard that one already...."
(Posts 365 and 368...LOL)
Don't worry...They were both good both times! :beer:[/QUOTE]
You don't miss a thing. Do you have too much time on your hands?
[QUOTE=DParker;48112]On a related note...
"Pardon me, but can you cache a small Czech?"[/QUOTE]
Would that be a related bank note?
(Posts 365 and 368...LOL)
Don't worry...They were both good both times! :beer:[/QUOTE]
You don't miss a thing. Do you have too much time on your hands?
[QUOTE=DParker;48112]On a related note...
"Pardon me, but can you cache a small Czech?"[/QUOTE]
Would that be a related bank note?
378.) DParker - 03/31/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;48113]
[QUOTE=DParker;48112]On a related note...
"Pardon me, but can you cache a small Czech?"[/QUOTE]
Would that be a related bank note?[/QUOTE]
[video=youtube;NlM3CKXJs5k]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlM3CKXJs5k[/video]
[QUOTE=DParker;48112]On a related note...
"Pardon me, but can you cache a small Czech?"[/QUOTE]
Would that be a related bank note?[/QUOTE]
[video=youtube;NlM3CKXJs5k]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlM3CKXJs5k[/video]
379.) Swamp Fox - 03/31/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;48113]You don't miss a thing. Do you have too much time on your hands? [/QUOTE]
That would be one possible explanation...LOL :dig:
[QUOTE=The Old Man;48113]Would that be a related bank note?[/QUOTE]
+2
That would be one possible explanation...LOL :dig:
[QUOTE=The Old Man;48113]Would that be a related bank note?[/QUOTE]
+2
380.) The Old Man - 04/02/2017
Bubba is from deep backwoods Georgia, and he goes to visit some relatives in Detroit (Zucker, Proft, ha, ha). One day he goes shopping, and finds most of what he needs. The store manager happens by and notices that Bubba is looking somewhat puzzled.
"Can I help you find anything, sir?"
"Peppuh, suh."
"Black pepper? Ground, or whole corns?"
"Naw suh."
"We also have white pepper, and cayene."
"Naw suh."
"Well, we have a variety of fresh peppers. Which pepper are you needing?"
"Toilet peppuh, suh."
"Can I help you find anything, sir?"
"Peppuh, suh."
"Black pepper? Ground, or whole corns?"
"Naw suh."
"We also have white pepper, and cayene."
"Naw suh."
"Well, we have a variety of fresh peppers. Which pepper are you needing?"
"Toilet peppuh, suh."
381.) The Old Man - 04/03/2017
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
*The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
*Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred.
*Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?"
*The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.
*As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed,
*"Bring me my brown pants!"
*The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
*Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred.
*Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?"
*The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.
*As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed,
*"Bring me my brown pants!"
382.) The Old Man - 04/03/2017
Useful Military Warnings:
*
*"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
*"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army
*"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
*"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
*"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
*"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
*"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
*"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
*"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
*"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth
*"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
*"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
*"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous
*"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit
*"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
*(And lastly)
*"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
*
*"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
*"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army
*"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
*"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
*"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
*"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
*"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
*"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
*"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
*"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth
*"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
*"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
*"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous
*"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit
*"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
*(And lastly)
*"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
383.) Swamp Fox - 04/03/2017
You know what a horny pirate's worst nightmare is?
A sunken chest and no booty.
A sunken chest and no booty.
384.) The Old Man - 04/03/2017
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota.
(That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.
Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.
He gets back to Minnesota, and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney, and says, “Jimmy, come look at dis ‘ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.”
So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the teat – and the cow farts. Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, “You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din’t yah?”
Ole is surprised since he hadn’t told Jimmy about his trip.
Ole replies, “Yah, dats right. But how’d yah now?”
Jimmy says, “My wife’s from Nordakota.”
(That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.
Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.
He gets back to Minnesota, and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney, and says, “Jimmy, come look at dis ‘ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.”
So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the teat – and the cow farts. Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, “You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din’t yah?”
Ole is surprised since he hadn’t told Jimmy about his trip.
Ole replies, “Yah, dats right. But how’d yah now?”
Jimmy says, “My wife’s from Nordakota.”
385.) Swamp Fox - 04/03/2017
:laugh::laugh::laugh:
386.) bluecat - 04/03/2017
Those are pretty funny.
387.) Swamp Fox - 04/03/2017
My favorite from the military list is
[QUOTE]*"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
[/QUOTE]
This can also be useful "back in the world" as they used to say (and still might). ---LOL
[QUOTE]*"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
[/QUOTE]
This can also be useful "back in the world" as they used to say (and still might). ---LOL
388.) Swamp Fox - 04/04/2017
A pirate goes to the ship's doctor because he's worried about some spots on his skin. The doctor looks him over briefly and tells him, "Don't worry...They're benign."
The pirate says, "No, no, Doc! Look again! There be eleven!"
The pirate says, "No, no, Doc! Look again! There be eleven!"
389.) bluecat - 04/04/2017
LOL! Years ago, the then New York Yankee Ricky Henderson was told that he had tenure. Ricky explained that he'd been there eleven years. "Ricky been there eleven year."
390.) bluecat - 04/04/2017
Did I ever tell you about the time I took some knot weed to the garden store and asked them to identify what was all over my lawn? They said it was knot weed and I told them I was pretty sure it [I]was[/I] a weed.
Do I get any points for that?
Do I get any points for that?
391.) DParker - 04/04/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;48147]Did I ever tell you about the time I took some knot weed to the garden store and asked them to identify what was all over my lawn? [b]They said it was knot weed[/b] and I told them I was pretty sure it [I]was[/I] a weed.[/QUOTE]
I'd have just said, "Thanks, but I came of age in the mid-'70s, so I already knew that much."
I'd have just said, "Thanks, but I came of age in the mid-'70s, so I already knew that much."
392.) Swamp Fox - 04/04/2017
You should have asked for Dave...
393.) bluecat - 04/04/2017
I did, but he wasn't there. He's never there.
394.) Swamp Fox - 04/04/2017
I was just wondering if I was gonna come back on here and no one got that...Then I was gonna have to make an "Oh, c'mon!" meme...
So you saved me a lot of stress and labor...
So you saved me a lot of stress and labor...
395.) bluecat - 04/04/2017
Glad to help when I can.
396.) DParker - 04/04/2017
I made a Cheech & Chong reference in a staff meeting last Friday. Everyone in the room was either too young to get it or grew up in another country, so all I got was a big-assed table full of "you have two heads" expressions.
397.) Swamp Fox - 04/04/2017
LOL...
We're screwed, man.
We're screwed, man.
398.) The Old Man - 04/05/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;48139]My favorite from the military list is
This can also be useful "back in the world" as they used to say (and still might). ---LOL[/QUOTE]
"Back in the world." I haven't heard that for over 40 years. Brings back lots of memories. Looking back, it wasn't near as bad as it seemed then.
This can also be useful "back in the world" as they used to say (and still might). ---LOL[/QUOTE]
"Back in the world." I haven't heard that for over 40 years. Brings back lots of memories. Looking back, it wasn't near as bad as it seemed then.
399.) DParker - 04/05/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;48163]"Back in the world." I haven't heard that for over 40 years. Brings back lots of memories. Looking back, it wasn't near as bad as it seemed then.[/QUOTE]
"I don't care who you are back in the world, you give away our position one more time, I'll bleed ya, real quiet. Leave ya here. Got that?"
"I don't care who you are back in the world, you give away our position one more time, I'll bleed ya, real quiet. Leave ya here. Got that?"
400.) The Old Man - 04/05/2017
OK, OK. I probably have heard it in the last 40 years. :co:
401.) Swamp Fox - 04/05/2017
402.) Swamp Fox - 04/05/2017
403.) DParker - 04/05/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;48167][/QUOTE]
It's a good thing he didn't go for the Burt Reynolds pose with those blades on his wrist.
[/QUOTE]It's a good thing he didn't go for the Burt Reynolds pose with those blades on his wrist.
404.) The Old Man - 04/06/2017
A New Hampshire man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."
The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."
The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."
405.) bluecat - 04/06/2017
406.) bluecat - 04/06/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;48168]It's a good thing he didn't go for the Burt Reynolds pose with those blades on his wrist.[/QUOTE]
That poor bear.
407.) Swamp Fox - 04/06/2017
I'm most disturbed by the fact that DP knew the exact pose...
:shocked:
:shocked:
408.) Swamp Fox - 04/06/2017
I went to a diner that serves breakfast at any time.---
---So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
---So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
409.) bluecat - 04/06/2017
I know right? That's why I found that picture. It's almost like he was looking at a poster of that on the wall of his man cave with the curtains drawn.
410.) bluecat - 04/06/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;48177]I went to a diner that serves breakfast at any time.---
---So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.[/QUOTE]
Cool! Was the hostess cute?
---So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.[/QUOTE]
Cool! Was the hostess cute?
411.) Swamp Fox - 04/06/2017
You could say that...
412.) bluecat - 04/06/2017
:ach:
413.) DParker - 04/06/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;48177]I went to a diner that serves breakfast at any time.---
---So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.[/QUOTE]
I haven't seen Steven Wright in a while, so I looked him up. Man...he has NOT aged well.
[QUOTE=bluecat;48178]I know right? That's why I found that picture. It's almost like he was looking at a poster of that on the wall of his man cave with the curtains drawn.[/QUOTE]
What a bunch of perverts. I was talking about this pose, where those blades would have cut his bow string on release:
---So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.[/QUOTE]
I haven't seen Steven Wright in a while, so I looked him up. Man...he has NOT aged well.
[QUOTE=bluecat;48178]I know right? That's why I found that picture. It's almost like he was looking at a poster of that on the wall of his man cave with the curtains drawn.[/QUOTE]
What a bunch of perverts. I was talking about this pose, where those blades would have cut his bow string on release:
414.) bluecat - 04/06/2017
Good save.
415.) Swamp Fox - 04/06/2017
More like "nice try"....LOL
416.) DParker - 04/06/2017
Aw, man! Crapgame has left us: [URL="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/06/arts/television/don-rickles-dead-comedian.html?_r=0"]NYT: Don Rickles, dead at age 90[/URL]
The only man in show biz who could get away with...
[QUOTE]“President Obama is a personal friend of mine. He was over to the house yesterday, but the mop broke.”[/QUOTE]
The only man in show biz who could get away with...
[QUOTE]“President Obama is a personal friend of mine. He was over to the house yesterday, but the mop broke.”[/QUOTE]
417.) Swamp Fox - 04/06/2017
LOL...
Rickles was a great guy, and he'd be an even bigger hero if he could have been heard more over the last few years, and especially these days.
Can you imagine Don Rickles on Twitter? ....LOL
:omg:
Rickles was a great guy, and he'd be an even bigger hero if he could have been heard more over the last few years, and especially these days.
Can you imagine Don Rickles on Twitter? ....LOL
:omg:
418.) bluecat - 04/07/2017
One of a kind for sure. Sad day.
419.) Swamp Fox - 04/07/2017
A guy walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told there will be a 20-minute wait for a table. The hostess suggests he relax at the bar in the meantime.
So NOW he walks into the bar AREA, grabs a chair and says to the bartender, "I'd like a Stoli with a twist."
And the bartender smiles and says, "Of course, sir...Once upon a time, there were FOUR little pig..."
So NOW he walks into the bar AREA, grabs a chair and says to the bartender, "I'd like a Stoli with a twist."
And the bartender smiles and says, "Of course, sir...Once upon a time, there were FOUR little pig..."
420.) The Old Man - 04/10/2017
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
421.) The Old Man - 04/10/2017
I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there’s a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. I say to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
He replies, “Get out, you’re on my side!!”
Then the priest comes in. I say to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
He replies, “Get out, you’re on my side!!”
422.) Swamp Fox - 04/10/2017
LOL...
423.) Swamp Fox - 04/10/2017
A redhead, a brunette and a blonde go down to Mexico to celebrate their graduations. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The redhead gets strapped in the electric chair and the Federales ask her if she has any last words, and she says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the power of almighty God to intervene on behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all throw themselves on the floor, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The brunette gets strapped in next and they ask for her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to protect the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. They beg forgiveness and release her.
The last one, the blonde, is strapped in and before anyone can ask her anything, she blurts out, “Well, I’m from the University of Nebraska and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now: You won't have the power to electrocute anybody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
The redhead gets strapped in the electric chair and the Federales ask her if she has any last words, and she says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the power of almighty God to intervene on behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all throw themselves on the floor, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The brunette gets strapped in next and they ask for her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to protect the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. They beg forgiveness and release her.
The last one, the blonde, is strapped in and before anyone can ask her anything, she blurts out, “Well, I’m from the University of Nebraska and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now: You won't have the power to electrocute anybody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
424.) bluecat - 04/10/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;48185]I haven't seen Steven Wright in a while, so I looked him up. Man...he has NOT aged well.
[/QUOTE]
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman". -- Steven Wright
[/QUOTE]
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman". -- Steven Wright
425.) Swamp Fox - 04/10/2017
“I've been looking for a girl like you... Not you, but a girl like you.”
― Groucho Marx
― Groucho Marx
426.) The Old Man - 04/11/2017
Old Goat Quiz
Great mental exercise for the "older" crowd.
Which of the following names are you familiar with?
1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You had trouble with #5, didn't you?
You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers,
thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?
Great mental exercise for the "older" crowd.
Which of the following names are you familiar with?
1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You had trouble with #5, didn't you?
You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers,
thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?
427.) Swamp Fox - 04/11/2017
Nancy Pelosi is out in her limo on her usual route to work, the same one she's taken nearly every day since the Jurassic Period, when she passes a nursing home and decides it is finally time to find out what is in it. [Four, three, two one...]
She walks into the lobby and turns down a couple of hallways and comes to a little old man in a bathrobe, slowly making his way toward her with his walker.
He doesn't seem to even notice her and so she stops and asks him, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up at her and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you."
She walks into the lobby and turns down a couple of hallways and comes to a little old man in a bathrobe, slowly making his way toward her with his walker.
He doesn't seem to even notice her and so she stops and asks him, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up at her and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you."
428.) bluecat - 04/11/2017
:tu:
429.) Swamp Fox - 04/12/2017
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.
But people in Abu Dhabi do!
But people in Abu Dhabi do!
430.) DParker - 04/12/2017
431.) Swamp Fox - 04/12/2017
I thought the airlines quit giving you nuts on short flights, but there they were, taking a bagful off the plane.
432.) bluecat - 04/12/2017
Website Blocked: Adult Sexual Content. I think Swampy's response tells me what I need to know.
Update, looked at it on my phone. What? Adult Sexual Content?
Update, looked at it on my phone. What? Adult Sexual Content?
433.) DParker - 04/12/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;48277]Website Blocked: Adult Sexual Content. I think Swampy's response tells me what I need to know.
Update, looked at it on my phone. What? Adult Sexual Content?[/QUOTE]
It's a site full of internet memes, so there probably is some non-PG content there somewhere.
Update, looked at it on my phone. What? Adult Sexual Content?[/QUOTE]
It's a site full of internet memes, so there probably is some non-PG content there somewhere.
434.) DParker - 04/12/2017
435.) bluecat - 04/12/2017
LOL!
436.) Swamp Fox - 04/12/2017
LOL...
437.) bluecat - 04/12/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;48282]LOL...[/QUOTE]
in before you :p
in before you :p
438.) Swamp Fox - 04/12/2017
I've re-written my joke:
"I thought the airlines were reluctant to serve nuts, and there they were: dragging a bagful off the plane."
Enter your criticism in the box below.
"I thought the airlines were reluctant to serve nuts, and there they were: dragging a bagful off the plane."
Enter your criticism in the box below.
439.) bluecat - 04/12/2017
How bout,
"United Airlines, still refusing to serve nuts."
"United Airlines, still refusing to serve nuts."
440.) bluecat - 04/12/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;48284]I've re-written my joke:
"I thought the airlines were reluctant to serve nuts, and there they were: dragging a bagful off the plane."
Enter your criticism in the box below.[/QUOTE]
No box? Do I have to do everything around here.
[QUOTE]Wordy, overly dramatic, non-descript piece of rubbish.[/QUOTE]
"I thought the airlines were reluctant to serve nuts, and there they were: dragging a bagful off the plane."
Enter your criticism in the box below.[/QUOTE]
No box? Do I have to do everything around here.
[QUOTE]Wordy, overly dramatic, non-descript piece of rubbish.[/QUOTE]
441.) Swamp Fox - 04/12/2017
Breaking News:
United Airlines' CEO offers another apology:
[QUOTE]Recently, we sicced law enforcement on a paying passenger because we couldn't figure out a different way to get four employees five hours down the highway. Cheer up, Doc. It could have been worse. You could be stuck at the bottom of a deep hole filled with water.
We meant well.[/QUOTE]
United Airlines' CEO offers another apology:
[QUOTE]Recently, we sicced law enforcement on a paying passenger because we couldn't figure out a different way to get four employees five hours down the highway. Cheer up, Doc. It could have been worse. You could be stuck at the bottom of a deep hole filled with water.
We meant well.[/QUOTE]
442.) bluecat - 04/12/2017
I just lifted those comments off of every English paper I ever turned in. Thought it might help you too.
443.) Swamp Fox - 04/12/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;48286]No box? Do I have to do everything around here.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]Wordy, overly dramatic, non-descript piece of rubbish.[/QUOTE]
Thanks for not making it personal...LOL
[QUOTE]Wordy, overly dramatic, non-descript piece of rubbish.[/QUOTE]
Thanks for not making it personal...LOL
444.) Swamp Fox - 04/12/2017
[QUOTE]
Wordy, overly dramatic, non-descript piece of rubbish.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=bluecat;48288]I just lifted those comments off of every English paper I ever turned in. Thought it might help you too.[/QUOTE]
Thanks for not making it personal...LOL
Wordy, overly dramatic, non-descript piece of rubbish.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=bluecat;48288]I just lifted those comments off of every English paper I ever turned in. Thought it might help you too.[/QUOTE]
Thanks for not making it personal...LOL
445.) DParker - 04/12/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;48287]It could have been worse.[/QUOTE]
446.) Swamp Fox - 04/12/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;48285]How bout,
"United Airlines, still refusing to serve nuts."[/QUOTE]
Simpler is often better.
"United Airlines, still refusing to serve nuts."[/QUOTE]
Simpler is often better.
447.) bluecat - 04/12/2017
How bout,
"Clean up on aisle 1."
"Clean up on aisle 1."
448.) Swamp Fox - 04/12/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;48293]How bout,
"Clean up on aisle 1."[/QUOTE]
LOL...
Clean up in Row 26?
Clean up in 26A?
"Clean up on aisle 1."[/QUOTE]
LOL...
Clean up in Row 26?
Clean up in 26A?
449.) Swamp Fox - 04/12/2017
Headlines of the day:
[B]United Relaxes Passenger Dress Code; Drag Queens Re-Accomodated[/B]
[B]United Now Hiring Drag Queens in New Diversity Initiative[/B]
[B]
United Announces New De-Planing Protocol In Response To Consumer Demand[/B]
[B]Free Carry On? ---Pshaw!---Free Carry OFF!
United Touts New Passenger Conveniences[/B]
[B]United CEO to Shareholders: We Will Be The Airline To Beat![/B]
[B]United Relaxes Passenger Dress Code; Drag Queens Re-Accomodated[/B]
[B]United Now Hiring Drag Queens in New Diversity Initiative[/B]
[B]
United Announces New De-Planing Protocol In Response To Consumer Demand[/B]
[B]Free Carry On? ---Pshaw!---Free Carry OFF!
United Touts New Passenger Conveniences[/B]
[B]United CEO to Shareholders: We Will Be The Airline To Beat![/B]
450.) DParker - 04/12/2017
Just don't talk about it.
451.) Swamp Fox - 04/12/2017
Pick your seat (if available) before you book:
452.) Swamp Fox - 04/12/2017
Damn!--LOL
453.) Swamp Fox - 04/12/2017
That's easily the best joke I've seen about this.
454.) Swamp Fox - 04/13/2017
455.) The Old Man - 04/14/2017
The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".
456.) billy b - 04/15/2017
:tu:
457.) The Old Man - 04/17/2017
Oh darn---it turns out that the "Millennial Anti-Theft Device" advertised by the local car dealer was just a manual transmission.
458.) bluecat - 04/17/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;48306]Oh darn---it turns out that the "Millennial Anti-Theft Device" advertised by the local car dealer was just a manual transmission.[/QUOTE]
:grin:
:grin:
459.) The Old Man - 04/17/2017
Once there was a guy whose parents named him Odd. All through school, Odd was made fun of for his odd name. Eventually, as an grown man, he found a beautiful woman to marry and raise a family with. During a summer day in their 70s, Odd told his wife as they sat in the living room that he had never liked his odd name. He told her that, when he died, she should just put his birthday and date of death on the grave, without his name. Sure enough, several years later, Odd passed away. His wife did as he had requested, and buried him, putting only his birthday and date of death on the gravestone. But it was futile. To this day, people still walk by the grave and say: “Isn’t that Odd?”
460.) DParker - 04/17/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;48308]“Isn’t that Odd?”[/QUOTE]
461.) Swamp Fox - 04/17/2017
Murphy's wife died unexpectedly and the police were questioning him.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the detective.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the detective.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
462.) Swamp Fox - 04/17/2017
463.) bluecat - 04/17/2017
Oh, good one.
464.) Swamp Fox - 04/18/2017
A guy buys his blonde girlfriend a new cell phone.
Later that week, he calls her and asks how she likes it.
"It's great," she says, "But how did you know I was at Walmart?"
Later that week, he calls her and asks how she likes it.
"It's great," she says, "But how did you know I was at Walmart?"
465.) The Old Man - 04/18/2017
I'm retiring in 12 days and I'm cleaning out my work computer. I found this and thought it interesting. You've probably all seen it before but just in case you haven't, here goes.
Take ALL of these tests and see how you make out!
Here’s the first one:
I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first
time I've seen it with numbers.
Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a
strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimer’s is a long, long, way down the road
before it ever gets anywhere near you.
7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.
And now the second one:
To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:
If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and
the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great
minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!
If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too.
Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee that I
cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the
hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't
mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng
is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe
huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe.
Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can
raed this forwrad it
FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT
Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject Line
And the final test/s:
Even if you are not old, you will find this interesting...
Short Neurological Test
1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
699999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
3 - Now find the N below.. It's a little more difficult.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNM ?M
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M
This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel
your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far
from having a close relationship with Alzheimer..
Take ALL of these tests and see how you make out!
Here’s the first one:
I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first
time I've seen it with numbers.
Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a
strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimer’s is a long, long, way down the road
before it ever gets anywhere near you.
7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.
And now the second one:
To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:
If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and
the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great
minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!
If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too.
Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee that I
cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the
hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't
mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng
is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe
huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe.
Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can
raed this forwrad it
FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT
Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject Line
And the final test/s:
Even if you are not old, you will find this interesting...
Short Neurological Test
1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
699999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
3 - Now find the N below.. It's a little more difficult.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNM ?M
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M
This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel
your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far
from having a close relationship with Alzheimer..
466.) The Old Man - 04/18/2017
Oh yeah, BTW, I'm retiring in 12 days and I'm cleaning out my work computer. I found this and thought it interesting. You've probably all seen it before but just in case you haven't, here goes.
Take ALL of these tests and see how you make out!
Here’s the first one:
I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first
time I've seen it with numbers.
Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a
strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimer’s is a long, long, way down the road
before it ever gets anywhere near you.
7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.
And now the second one:
To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:
If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and
the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great
minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!
If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too.
Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee that I
cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the
hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't
mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng
is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe
huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe.
Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can
raed this forwrad it
FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT
Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject Line
And the final test/s:
Even if you are not old, you will find this interesting...
Short Neurological Test
1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
699999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
3 - Now find the N below.. It's a little more difficult.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNM ?M
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M
This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel
your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far
from having a close relationship with Alzheimer..
Take ALL of these tests and see how you make out!
Here’s the first one:
I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first
time I've seen it with numbers.
Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a
strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimer’s is a long, long, way down the road
before it ever gets anywhere near you.
7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.
And now the second one:
To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:
If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and
the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great
minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!
If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too.
Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee that I
cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the
hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't
mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng
is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe
huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe.
Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can
raed this forwrad it
FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT
Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject Line
And the final test/s:
Even if you are not old, you will find this interesting...
Short Neurological Test
1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O
2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
699999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999
3 - Now find the N below.. It's a little more difficult.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNM ?M
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M
This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel
your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far
from having a close relationship with Alzheimer..
467.) Swamp Fox - 04/18/2017
LOL...
468.) DParker - 04/19/2017
:grin:
469.) Swamp Fox - 04/19/2017
An old guy in a nursing home was wandering around the facility when he noticed his across-the-hall neighbor, Mrs. McGillicuddy, sitting in the lounge. He thought he'd shuffle up to her and ask if she could guess how old he was, just to have a little fun.
She replied, "Drop your pants and let me see."
So he did, and she took a good, long look and announced, "You're 88 years old!"
"Why, yes I am," the old man said. "That's amazing! How could you tell?"
"Well," she said, "you told me this morning at breakfast."
She replied, "Drop your pants and let me see."
So he did, and she took a good, long look and announced, "You're 88 years old!"
"Why, yes I am," the old man said. "That's amazing! How could you tell?"
"Well," she said, "you told me this morning at breakfast."
470.) Swamp Fox - 04/20/2017
Two old couples are having dinner together one evening, and afterwards the ladies retire to the kitchen and leave their husbands to chat at the table. One of the men says, “Last night, we went out to a great new restaurant.”
“What’s it called?” his friend asks.
The first man furrows his brow in concentration for a few moments and finally says, “Ah! What's the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?”
His friend replies, “A carnation?”
“No, no. The other one,” the first man says.
“A poppy?” wonders his friend.
“No,” growls the first man. “You know, the one with thorns!”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s it!” the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
“What’s it called?” his friend asks.
The first man furrows his brow in concentration for a few moments and finally says, “Ah! What's the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?”
His friend replies, “A carnation?”
“No, no. The other one,” the first man says.
“A poppy?” wonders his friend.
“No,” growls the first man. “You know, the one with thorns!”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s it!” the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
471.) bluecat - 04/20/2017
Paddy & Mick, two retired old geezers, flew to Canada for an adventure. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week of hunting moose. They managed to bag a total of 6. Loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two old timers objected strongly. "Last year we shot 6. The pilot let us take them all, and he had exactly the same plane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot gave in and all 6 were loaded. The plane took off. However while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick," Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, " I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
472.) Swamp Fox - 04/20/2017
What do you get when you cross an Irish joke with a hunting joke?
A seven-course meal, but no meat.
:wink
A seven-course meal, but no meat.
:wink
473.) Swamp Fox - 04/20/2017
Or maybe it should be "plus meat" in this particular case...
I don't know...I'm still working it out...
LOL
I don't know...I'm still working it out...
LOL
474.) crookedeye - 04/20/2017
two hunters are in the woods, when one of them collaspes..he's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. the other guy whips out his phone and calls 911.he gasp.. "my friends dead!! what can i do?"
the operator says, "calm down i can help. first lets make sure youre friend is dead." there is silence, then a shot is heard.. back on the phone, the guys says " ok now what."
the operator says, "calm down i can help. first lets make sure youre friend is dead." there is silence, then a shot is heard.. back on the phone, the guys says " ok now what."
475.) Swamp Fox - 04/20/2017
LOL...
476.) Swamp Fox - 04/20/2017
The CIA is interviewing three potential agents — two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what,” says the interviewer. “Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.”
“You can’t be serious,” the man says. “I could never shoot my wife.”
“Then you’re not the right man for the job,” says the interviewer, and dismisses him.
The second man is given the same instructions with his wife. Five minutes later, he emerges from the room with tears in his eyes and says, “I can’t.”
So he's gone.
Finally, the woman is given the test, but with her husband. She takes the gun and enters the room. There's screaming, several shots ring out, then more screaming and tremendous crashing and banging.
After a few minutes, she comes out, wiping the sweat from her brow and breathing heavily. “You didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks,” she says, gulping for air. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
“You can’t be serious,” the man says. “I could never shoot my wife.”
“Then you’re not the right man for the job,” says the interviewer, and dismisses him.
The second man is given the same instructions with his wife. Five minutes later, he emerges from the room with tears in his eyes and says, “I can’t.”
So he's gone.
Finally, the woman is given the test, but with her husband. She takes the gun and enters the room. There's screaming, several shots ring out, then more screaming and tremendous crashing and banging.
After a few minutes, she comes out, wiping the sweat from her brow and breathing heavily. “You didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks,” she says, gulping for air. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
477.) bluecat - 04/20/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;48368]What do you get when you cross an Irish joke with a hunting joke?
A seven-course meal, but no meat.
:wink[/QUOTE]
Don't forget the "old" theme. I got a comedy tri-fecta.
Triple word score. I got it all.
A seven-course meal, but no meat.
:wink[/QUOTE]
Don't forget the "old" theme. I got a comedy tri-fecta.
Triple word score. I got it all.
478.) Swamp Fox - 04/20/2017
Touche...Good catch, LOL.
Three points, then?
:-)
Three points, then?
:-)
479.) bluecat - 04/20/2017
Wow, 3 points...
That CIA joke looks very suspicious Swamper.
That CIA joke looks very suspicious Swamper.
480.) Swamp Fox - 04/20/2017
I spied it in a joke book in about fifth grade, and it's followed me ever since...
When I'm strapped for a good joke, I can always tap that one.
When I'm strapped for a good joke, I can always tap that one.
481.) The Old Man - 04/20/2017
[URL="[URL=http://s254.photobucket.com/user/imnrcher/media/Deer_zpsxo38nwey.jpg.html]
[/URL]"][URL=http://s254.photobucket.com/user/imnrcher/media/Deer_zpsxo38nwey.jpg.html][/URL][/URL]
[/URL]"][URL=http://s254.photobucket.com/user/imnrcher/media/Deer_zpsxo38nwey.jpg.html][/URL][/URL]482.) Swamp Fox - 04/21/2017
"Bummer of a birthmark, Hal."
----Deer that DOES get it
----Deer that DOES get it
483.) Swamp Fox - 04/21/2017
A shy guy walks into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, and screws up the courage to approach her.
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” he asks.
She responds by yelling, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!"
Completely humiliated, he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman comes over and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I’m a psych student studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. “
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean, $200?!”
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” he asks.
She responds by yelling, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!"
Completely humiliated, he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman comes over and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I’m a psych student studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. “
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean, $200?!”
484.) The Old Man - 04/21/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;48390]"Bummer of a birthmark, Hal."
[/QUOTE]
[URL=http://s254.photobucket.com/user/imnrcher/media/Bummer_zpsedn9obzt.jpg.html]
[/URL]
[/QUOTE]
[URL=http://s254.photobucket.com/user/imnrcher/media/Bummer_zpsedn9obzt.jpg.html]
[/URL]485.) The Old Man - 04/21/2017
I farted on the bus this morning and four people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice.
486.) Swamp Fox - 04/24/2017
A guy is sitting on his couch at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it out in the yard as far as he can.
Three years later, he's sitting there again and there’s a knock at the door.
He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?”
Three years later, he's sitting there again and there’s a knock at the door.
He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?”
487.) bluecat - 04/24/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;48417]A guy is sitting on his couch at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it out in the yard as far as he can.
Three years later, he's sitting there again and there’s a knock at the door.
He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?”[/QUOTE]
:-) :tu:
Three years later, he's sitting there again and there’s a knock at the door.
He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?”[/QUOTE]
:-) :tu:
488.) The Old Man - 04/24/2017
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. "My Father is better than your Father!" Billy declared.
"No, he's not!" Johnny responded.
"My brother is better than you brother!" Billy said.
"He is not! He is not!" Yelled Little Johnny.
"My Mother is better than your Mother!" Billy continued.
A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once !!"
"No, he's not!" Johnny responded.
"My brother is better than you brother!" Billy said.
"He is not! He is not!" Yelled Little Johnny.
"My Mother is better than your Mother!" Billy continued.
A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once !!"
489.) Swamp Fox - 04/25/2017
Walking home after a girls’ night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it behind a tree. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious: “My wife came home last night without her panties!”
“That’s nothing!” exclaims the other guy. “Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you.'”
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it behind a tree. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious: “My wife came home last night without her panties!”
“That’s nothing!” exclaims the other guy. “Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you.'”
490.) The Old Man - 04/25/2017
A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the Rancher
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the Rancher
491.) Swamp Fox - 04/26/2017
:laugh::applause:
492.) Swamp Fox - 04/26/2017
A pirate and his parrot are adrift in a dinghy for days after a battle destroyed their ship. All there is to do is examine the small sack of booty they salvaged before she went down.
After about a week afloat, the pirate starts wishing one piece were a magic lamp, and takes to rubbing it. Lo and behold, a genie appears!
This particular genie, though, says she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving it much thought, the pirate blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into rum!”
The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into delicious pirate juice.
The parrot cocks his head, looks at the ocean, looks hard at the pirate, and squawks, "Aye, nice going, genius! Now we have to pee in the boat!"
After about a week afloat, the pirate starts wishing one piece were a magic lamp, and takes to rubbing it. Lo and behold, a genie appears!
This particular genie, though, says she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving it much thought, the pirate blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into rum!”
The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into delicious pirate juice.
The parrot cocks his head, looks at the ocean, looks hard at the pirate, and squawks, "Aye, nice going, genius! Now we have to pee in the boat!"
493.) bluecat - 04/26/2017
Those are some good ones.
494.) The Old Man - 04/26/2017
Down in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge------- into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.. ...BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.. ...BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
495.) Swamp Fox - 04/27/2017
A new teacher was trying to make use of all the psychological tricks she learned in Ed school, when she got assigned to Little Johnny's class.
On her first day, she started class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a long pause, with the children looking around at each other in embarrassed silence, Little Johnny finally stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No ma'am," replied Little Johnny. "But I sure hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
On her first day, she started class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a long pause, with the children looking around at each other in embarrassed silence, Little Johnny finally stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No ma'am," replied Little Johnny. "But I sure hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
496.) Swamp Fox - 05/01/2017
United Airlines continues to win fans and set an example for others.
Recently, they overbooked a flight from Orlando and had to bump several passengers, one of whom was a dwarf.
When the gate agent told him the bad news, his face got all red and he started twitching and he loudly said, "I am NOT happy!"
To which the gate agent replied, "Well, which one are you, then?"
Recently, they overbooked a flight from Orlando and had to bump several passengers, one of whom was a dwarf.
When the gate agent told him the bad news, his face got all red and he started twitching and he loudly said, "I am NOT happy!"
To which the gate agent replied, "Well, which one are you, then?"
497.) Swamp Fox - 05/02/2017
A guy walks into a bar. He orders a drink, and notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling, so he asks the bartender what they are for.
The bartender says, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down, you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to give it a try?"
The man thinks about it for a minute and finally says, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"
The bartender says, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down, you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to give it a try?"
The man thinks about it for a minute and finally says, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"
498.) bluecat - 05/02/2017
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
499.) Swamp Fox - 05/03/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;48561]... "Nah, the steaks are too high!"[/QUOTE]
"The psteaks are too high" ?
"The psteaks are too high" ?
500.) bluecat - 05/03/2017
Ok, now you're just being psilly.
501.) Swamp Fox - 05/03/2017
A panda walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants a drink and he psays, "Naw, I'll just have a psandwich."
So he eats the psandwich, and then psuddenly pulls a pistol and fires three wild pshots around the bar and pstarts walking out the door.
"Hey!" pshouts the bartender. "Where are you going? You just pshot up the place and you haven't paid for your psandwich!"
The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender gets out his psmartphone and psurfs to an on-line dictionary and sees the following entry: "Panda---A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinctive black and white coloring. Eats pshoots and leaves."
So he eats the psandwich, and then psuddenly pulls a pistol and fires three wild pshots around the bar and pstarts walking out the door.
"Hey!" pshouts the bartender. "Where are you going? You just pshot up the place and you haven't paid for your psandwich!"
The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender gets out his psmartphone and psurfs to an on-line dictionary and sees the following entry: "Panda---A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinctive black and white coloring. Eats pshoots and leaves."
502.) bluecat - 05/03/2017
:ach::-)
503.) Swamp Fox - 05/04/2017
You p-hucksters might need to take up some slack on this thread for the next few days.
It's not that I'm running out of jokes, but I might not be able to post anything early enough in the day for the next few to keep you all occupied before your caffeine crashes.
Besides, I know Billy knows some good jokes he's not sharing...And when I say "Billy," I mean most of you knuckleheads...
It's not that I'm running out of jokes, but I might not be able to post anything early enough in the day for the next few to keep you all occupied before your caffeine crashes.
Besides, I know Billy knows some good jokes he's not sharing...And when I say "Billy," I mean most of you knuckleheads...
504.) bluecat - 05/04/2017
A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who'll predict her future:
- Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.
- Don't tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!!
- Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.
- Don't tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!!
505.) Swamp Fox - 05/04/2017
A sheriff walks into a saloon. He shouts for everyone's attention.
"i'm lookin' to round up Brown Paper Jake and bring him in!" he announces. "Has anybody seen him?"
A cowboy at the bar tips his hat back with his thumb and drawls, "What's he look like?"
And the sheriff says, "Well, he's a wiry little SOB, and he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper boots, a brown paper shirt, brown paper britches, and over top of it all a brown paper duster."
"What's he wanted for?" asks the cowboy.
"Rustlin'," says the sheriff.
"i'm lookin' to round up Brown Paper Jake and bring him in!" he announces. "Has anybody seen him?"
A cowboy at the bar tips his hat back with his thumb and drawls, "What's he look like?"
And the sheriff says, "Well, he's a wiry little SOB, and he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper boots, a brown paper shirt, brown paper britches, and over top of it all a brown paper duster."
"What's he wanted for?" asks the cowboy.
"Rustlin'," says the sheriff.
506.) DParker - 05/04/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;48627]A sheriff walks into a saloon. He shouts for everyone's attention.
"i'm lookin' to round up Brown Paper Jake and bring him in!" he announces. "Has anybody seen him?"
A cowboy at the bar tips his hat back with his thumb and drawls, "What's he look like?"
And the sheriff says, "Well, he's a wiry little SOB, and he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper boots, a brown paper shirt, brown paper britches, and over top of it all a brown paper duster."
"What's he wanted for?" asks the cowboy.
"Rustlin'," says the sheriff.[/QUOTE]
"i'm lookin' to round up Brown Paper Jake and bring him in!" he announces. "Has anybody seen him?"
A cowboy at the bar tips his hat back with his thumb and drawls, "What's he look like?"
And the sheriff says, "Well, he's a wiry little SOB, and he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper boots, a brown paper shirt, brown paper britches, and over top of it all a brown paper duster."
"What's he wanted for?" asks the cowboy.
"Rustlin'," says the sheriff.[/QUOTE]
507.) The Old Man - 05/05/2017
So there’s these two beavers. One is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he’s hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks. Steven runs over and says, “Joe what are you doing?”
Steven says, “I’m just grilling up some sticks.”
Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe’s paw and says, “JOE, THATS A NON STICK PAN!”
Steven says, “I’m just grilling up some sticks.”
Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe’s paw and says, “JOE, THATS A NON STICK PAN!”
508.) billy b - 05/05/2017
:shocked::tu:
509.) DParker - 05/05/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;48629]So there’s these two beavers. One is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he’s hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks. Steven runs over and says, “Joe what are you doing?”
Steven says, “I’m just grilling up some sticks.”
Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe’s paw and says, “JOE, THATS A NON STICK PAN!”[/QUOTE]
Steven says, “I’m just grilling up some sticks.”
Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe’s paw and says, “JOE, THATS A NON STICK PAN!”[/QUOTE]
510.) bluecat - 05/06/2017
LOL!
511.) bluecat - 05/06/2017
LOL! Mostly for DP's response.
512.) DParker - 05/06/2017
I'd respond, but it's Cinco de Mayo and the wife and I are busy appropriating the hell out of some Mexican culture, one tequila jello shot at a time.
513.) The Old Man - 05/06/2017
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
514.) Swamp Fox - 05/06/2017
LOL---Something to look forward to.
515.) The Old Man - 05/07/2017
A Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks: "What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my voluptuous bust or my sexy butt???
*He briefly looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor."
*He briefly looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor."
516.) Swamp Fox - 05/07/2017
Ladies:
"Forget it...He's rolling."
:grin:
"Forget it...He's rolling."
:grin:
517.) Swamp Fox - 05/08/2017
Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water?
I'm not sure of the science behind it, but here's how:
If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats: boy ant.
I'm not sure of the science behind it, but here's how:
If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats: boy ant.
518.) DParker - 05/08/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;48648]Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water?
I'm not sure of the science behind it, but here's how:
If it sinks: girl ant.
[B]If it floats: boy ant.[/B][/QUOTE]
I thought that meant it weighs the same as a duck and is made of wood, and is therefor a witch?
I'm not sure of the science behind it, but here's how:
If it sinks: girl ant.
[B]If it floats: boy ant.[/B][/QUOTE]
I thought that meant it weighs the same as a duck and is made of wood, and is therefor a witch?
519.) Swamp Fox - 05/08/2017
A lion, a witch and a beaver walk into a bar.
The bartender greets them by asking, "So, what have you three been up to?"
And the witch says, "Narnia business."
The bartender greets them by asking, "So, what have you three been up to?"
And the witch says, "Narnia business."
520.) bluecat - 05/08/2017
White witch privilege?
521.) Swamp Fox - 05/09/2017
A guy had planned a big fishing trip to a great spot in Florida, where the wife could do some shopping and work on her tan, and they could visit a great new restaurant every night.
He organized and reorganized his tackle; he went over his boat and his vehicle with meticulous care; he poured over maps for hours on end; he made sure every detail was attended to and nothing could go wrong.
Finally, the big first day on the water arrives. With his wife tucked safely away at the hotel and free to do whatever she likes, he launches his boat, motors to a hole he knows MUST be full of trout, and in no time he's got the biggest trout he’s ever caught.
He casts out again, and is delighted to catch an even larger trout.
Every cast, he latches into a trophy fish.
Then his cell phone rings: It's the hospital telling him his wife had been admitted to the emergency room.
She may die, they tell him.
The fisherman is worried, but he's on a roll, and you never catch a fish on your last cast anyway, so he decides to fish just a little while longer.
He pulls in three more really huge trout, but his conscience begins to get the better of him, so he reluctantly pulls anchor and speeds back to the ramp and then to the hospital.
Running into the emergency room, he meets up with a stern-looking doctor.
The doctor sees the man dressed for fishing and scolds him: “Your wife has been at death’s door for hours now. You kept fishing after you were called, didn’t you? You ought to be ashamed!”
The fisherman sobbed it was true.
“Well,” said the doc, “I hope you had a good time. Your wife will survive, but your fishing days are over. She will require constant care from now on… 24 hours per day. You will have to do everything for her.”
The fisherman sobbed, “Oh God, I didn’t think it was that bad, I feel terrible!!!!”
The doc grinned and nudged the fisherman with his elbow…
”Just kidding, buddy… She’s dead. How many did you catch?"
He organized and reorganized his tackle; he went over his boat and his vehicle with meticulous care; he poured over maps for hours on end; he made sure every detail was attended to and nothing could go wrong.
Finally, the big first day on the water arrives. With his wife tucked safely away at the hotel and free to do whatever she likes, he launches his boat, motors to a hole he knows MUST be full of trout, and in no time he's got the biggest trout he’s ever caught.
He casts out again, and is delighted to catch an even larger trout.
Every cast, he latches into a trophy fish.
Then his cell phone rings: It's the hospital telling him his wife had been admitted to the emergency room.
She may die, they tell him.
The fisherman is worried, but he's on a roll, and you never catch a fish on your last cast anyway, so he decides to fish just a little while longer.
He pulls in three more really huge trout, but his conscience begins to get the better of him, so he reluctantly pulls anchor and speeds back to the ramp and then to the hospital.
Running into the emergency room, he meets up with a stern-looking doctor.
The doctor sees the man dressed for fishing and scolds him: “Your wife has been at death’s door for hours now. You kept fishing after you were called, didn’t you? You ought to be ashamed!”
The fisherman sobbed it was true.
“Well,” said the doc, “I hope you had a good time. Your wife will survive, but your fishing days are over. She will require constant care from now on… 24 hours per day. You will have to do everything for her.”
The fisherman sobbed, “Oh God, I didn’t think it was that bad, I feel terrible!!!!”
The doc grinned and nudged the fisherman with his elbow…
”Just kidding, buddy… She’s dead. How many did you catch?"
522.) Swamp Fox - 05/10/2017
A guy goes to visit New York City and decides to revisit a fancy restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip.
He's a friendly guy, and as he's waiting for a table he catches the eye of the pretty hostess and says, “You know, it’s been over five years since I first came here.”
“You'll have to wait your turn, sir,” says the hostess. “I can only seat one table at a time.”
He's a friendly guy, and as he's waiting for a table he catches the eye of the pretty hostess and says, “You know, it’s been over five years since I first came here.”
“You'll have to wait your turn, sir,” says the hostess. “I can only seat one table at a time.”
523.) bluecat - 05/10/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;48655]White witch privilege?[/QUOTE]
Oh c'mon!
Oh c'mon!
524.) bluecat - 05/10/2017
It's not to be taken literally, it could be any entitled opaque demon-worshipping cult member. Jeez
525.) Swamp Fox - 05/10/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;48771]Oh c'mon![/QUOTE]
Have some toffee and chillax...We can't be expected to run around applauding every good joke around here...We'd never get any work done!--LOL
But I'll give you +3 if you can come up with a top-shelf suggestion (with picture) for the best actress or model to play the White Witch in your own epic version.
I'll start us off:
I don't know who she is, but I do know she doesn't look anything like that without all the magic make-up...Not that I'm complaining...
Have some toffee and chillax...We can't be expected to run around applauding every good joke around here...We'd never get any work done!--LOL
But I'll give you +3 if you can come up with a top-shelf suggestion (with picture) for the best actress or model to play the White Witch in your own epic version.
I'll start us off:
I don't know who she is, but I do know she doesn't look anything like that without all the magic make-up...Not that I'm complaining...
526.) bluecat - 05/11/2017
You did say white witch no?
527.) bluecat - 05/11/2017
I should get at least 3 points for having to sift through all that.
Sorry CE, I know you have a little thing with her.
Sorry CE, I know you have a little thing with her.
528.) Swamp Fox - 05/11/2017
You've ruined my sexy witch fantasy now.
No points for you!
No points for you!
529.) bluecat - 05/11/2017
You couldn't have handled my Gemma pic. Just sayin.
530.) Swamp Fox - 05/11/2017
531.) Swamp Fox - 05/11/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;48790]You couldn't have handled my Gemma pic. Just sayin.[/QUOTE]
LOL...
Arterton or Atkinson?
LOL...
Arterton or Atkinson?
532.) bluecat - 05/11/2017
Atkinson. I haven't been banned for awhile so...
533.) bluecat - 05/11/2017
I bet her boyfriend doesn't shoot jakes.
534.) Swamp Fox - 05/11/2017
Don't be too hard on yourself.
You probably have a better personality than he does.
Probably.
:p
You probably have a better personality than he does.
Probably.
:p
535.) Swamp Fox - 05/12/2017
536.) bluecat - 05/12/2017
LOL!
537.) DParker - 05/12/2017
That's about the level of my artistic skills.
538.) The Old Man - 05/14/2017
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
*"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
*"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
*"That's the one!"
*"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
*"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."
*"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
*"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
*"That's the one!"
*"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
*"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."
539.) The Old Man - 05/14/2017
Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water".
*"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified.
*"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs".
*"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady.
*"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".
*"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified.
*"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs".
*"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady.
*"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".
540.) crookedeye - 05/14/2017
a group of engineering professors where invited to fly in a plane.. right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed that the plane was built by there students.
all but one got off there seats and headed frantically to exit in maniacal panic.. The lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked "why did you stay put?"
" i have plenty of confidence in my students knowing them, i for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start"
all but one got off there seats and headed frantically to exit in maniacal panic.. The lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked "why did you stay put?"
" i have plenty of confidence in my students knowing them, i for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start"
541.) The Old Man - 05/15/2017
:tu::laugh: Good one! Can I use that one where I usually steal the jokes I post here?
542.) Swamp Fox - 05/15/2017
:grin:....
543.) Swamp Fox - 05/15/2017
An engineer died and reported to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his clipboard and grimly says, “Ah, I see you're an engineer. You’re in the wrong place.”
So the engineer is cast down to the gates of Hell and is let in and introduced at a mandatory meeting in the conference room. Afterwards, everything is going along just as everybody expects it would, but pretty soon the engineer becomes dissatisfied with a few things and begins to make some changes. After a while, the underworld has air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the like, and the engineer has become a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in Hell?”
Satan laughs and replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God’s face clouds over and he explodes: “What? You’ve got an engineer who actually does stuff, and it works? That’s a mistake; a one-in-a-million! He should never have been sent down there. Send him up here.”
Satan shook his head. “No way. I like having a good engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God was as mad as He had ever been: “This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs maniacally and says, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”
So the engineer is cast down to the gates of Hell and is let in and introduced at a mandatory meeting in the conference room. Afterwards, everything is going along just as everybody expects it would, but pretty soon the engineer becomes dissatisfied with a few things and begins to make some changes. After a while, the underworld has air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the like, and the engineer has become a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in Hell?”
Satan laughs and replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God’s face clouds over and he explodes: “What? You’ve got an engineer who actually does stuff, and it works? That’s a mistake; a one-in-a-million! He should never have been sent down there. Send him up here.”
Satan shook his head. “No way. I like having a good engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God was as mad as He had ever been: “This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs maniacally and says, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”
544.) DParker - 05/15/2017
:grin:
545.) DParker - 05/15/2017
546.) Swamp Fox - 05/15/2017
LOL!
547.) The Old Man - 05/16/2017
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
548.) bluecat - 05/16/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;48857][/QUOTE]
Never post anything like that again. Thanks.
[/QUOTE]Never post anything like that again. Thanks.
549.) Swamp Fox - 05/16/2017
An old couple were attending church one Sunday, and during one of the hymns the lady whispered in her husband's ear, "I just made one of those silent farts. What should I do?"
Before the husband could answer, the priest leaned in to the microphone at the altar and said, "Change the battery in your hearing aid!"
Before the husband could answer, the priest leaned in to the microphone at the altar and said, "Change the battery in your hearing aid!"
550.) bluecat - 05/16/2017
Ha! :-)
551.) Swamp Fox - 05/17/2017
I don't think anyone's told this joke on here yet, but something reminded me of it the other day.
Straighten me out if this doesn't qualify for my daily quota:
[QUOTE]A young boy and his father came into the city for the first time and were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny walls that could move apart and then slide back together again every once in a while. The boy asked, "What's this, Pop?"
The dad, having never encountered an elevator before said, "Son, I have no idea, I've never seen anything like this in my life."
While they're standing there in amazement, a big fat older woman riding one of those motorized scooters you can borrow at Walmart moves up to the wall and presses a button. The walls slide open and the woman enters the small room that they reveal.
The walls slide closed, and the boy and his father watch the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continue to watch until the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls open up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde steps out.
The dad swallows hard, and not taking his eyes off the young woman for a second, says quietly to the boy, "Son, go get your mother."[/QUOTE]
Straighten me out if this doesn't qualify for my daily quota:
[QUOTE]A young boy and his father came into the city for the first time and were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny walls that could move apart and then slide back together again every once in a while. The boy asked, "What's this, Pop?"
The dad, having never encountered an elevator before said, "Son, I have no idea, I've never seen anything like this in my life."
While they're standing there in amazement, a big fat older woman riding one of those motorized scooters you can borrow at Walmart moves up to the wall and presses a button. The walls slide open and the woman enters the small room that they reveal.
The walls slide closed, and the boy and his father watch the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continue to watch until the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls open up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde steps out.
The dad swallows hard, and not taking his eyes off the young woman for a second, says quietly to the boy, "Son, go get your mother."[/QUOTE]
552.) bluecat - 05/17/2017
I think it's somewhere on here but I'll let it slide. It's a good one for sure.
553.) Swamp Fox - 05/17/2017
I might have even told it myself. I was just too lazy to go looking. I'll see if I can make up for it by the end of the day.
*****
[I]I just remembered what made me think of it:
[url]https://today.yougov.com/news/2017/05/01/makeup/[/url]
If you've ever seen a before-and-after video of a make-up artist at work, it'll scare you sober...LOL[/I]
*****
[I]I just remembered what made me think of it:
[url]https://today.yougov.com/news/2017/05/01/makeup/[/url]
If you've ever seen a before-and-after video of a make-up artist at work, it'll scare you sober...LOL[/I]
554.) bluecat - 05/17/2017
[QUOTE]In contrast, despite internet claims that beards may act similarly to makeup, only a third of individuals (36%) think that men mainly grow beards in order to hide facial imperfections like acne or a weak chin.[/QUOTE]
I've been doing some chin strengthening exercises. I'm hopeful I can beat this.
I've been doing some chin strengthening exercises. I'm hopeful I can beat this.
555.) The Old Man - 05/17/2017
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
556.) The Old Man - 05/17/2017
[ATTACH]566[/ATTACH]
..
..
557.) Swamp Fox - 05/17/2017
LOL...
This is what I'm told:
A wife is like a grenade in your living room....Pull the ring and your house is gone.
This is what I'm told:
A wife is like a grenade in your living room....Pull the ring and your house is gone.
558.) Swamp Fox - 05/18/2017
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the possum it could be done.
To prove to the possum it could be done.
559.) The Old Man - 05/18/2017
Bumper Stickers:
*
*Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
*Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film.
*Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
*I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
*WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
*Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
*If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
*Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
*Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
*And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!
*Welcome to America ...now speak English
*
*
*Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
*Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film.
*Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
*I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
*WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
*Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
*If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
*Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
*Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
*And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!
*Welcome to America ...now speak English
*
560.) bluecat - 05/18/2017
Oh, those are beyond good!
561.) Swamp Fox - 05/18/2017
LOL...My favorite of those is "Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted."...LOL
Some of my own top picks:
*Not all who launder are washed.
*This car makes frequent stops...At your mom's house.
*Fueled by hippie dust.
and last but not least:
Some of my own top picks:
*Not all who launder are washed.
*This car makes frequent stops...At your mom's house.
*Fueled by hippie dust.
and last but not least:
562.) bluecat - 05/18/2017
Yeah, those are great.
563.) DParker - 05/18/2017
"Imagine whirled peas"
564.) Swamp Fox - 05/18/2017
A classic...
Another one I love:
"Driver picks the music. Rider shuts his pie hole."
Another one I love:
"Driver picks the music. Rider shuts his pie hole."
565.) DParker - 05/18/2017
"Grass, gas or ass...nobody rides for free."
566.) Swamp Fox - 05/18/2017
That's why I don't hitchhike as much as I used to...LOL
567.) bluecat - 05/18/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;48962]"Grass, gas or ass...they all stink."[/QUOTE]
fify
fify
568.) Swamp Fox - 05/19/2017
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly, dehydrated and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says, "Hey, Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope the two struggle up the next hill and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double-smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork. Even Canadian bacon.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget!"
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 50 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath: "Pepe... Go back, man! You was right...Ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis... Mi amigo... What ees it?"
"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees... a ham bush!...."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope the two struggle up the next hill and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double-smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork. Even Canadian bacon.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget!"
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 50 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath: "Pepe... Go back, man! You was right...Ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis... Mi amigo... What ees it?"
"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees... a ham bush!...."
569.) DParker - 05/19/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;48970][QUOTE=DParker;48962]"Grass, gas or ass...they all stink."[/QUOTE]
fify[/QUOTE]
Sometimes more than others:
fify[/QUOTE]
Sometimes more than others:
570.) DParker - 05/19/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;48998]There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, [B][COLOR="#FF0000"]back bacon[/COLOR][/B], double-smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork. Even [B][COLOR="#FF0000"]Canadian bacon[/COLOR][/B].[/QUOTE]
571.) Swamp Fox - 05/19/2017
I thought they were slightly different, eh?
572.) Swamp Fox - 05/19/2017
So I went looking and it seems ALMOST like one of those fine-as-frog-hair distinctions. Most sites I skimmed seemed not to make any distinction at all (quick read) but I did find this, which seems to mark a contrast:
[QUOTE]Back bacon is a cut of cured bacon sliced to include both the pork loin from the back and a bit of pork belly in the same cut. It is much leaner than American style side bacon made only from the pork belly. Back bacon is derived from the same cut used for pork chops.[1] It is the most common cut in Britain and Ireland, where both smoked and unsmoked varieties are sold.[2]
"Canadian bacon" or "Canadian-style bacon" is the American name for a form of back bacon that is cured, smoked and fully cooked, trimmed into cylindrical medallions, and thickly sliced.[3] "Canadian" bacon is made only from the lean eye of the loin and is ready to eat. Its flavor is described as more ham-like than other types because of its lean cut.[3]
The term "Canadian bacon" is not actually used in Canada, where the product is generally known simply as "back bacon" while "bacon" alone refers to the same streaky pork belly bacon as in the United States.[3] Peameal bacon is a variety of back bacon popular in southern Ontario where the loin is wet cured before being rolled in cornmeal (originally yellow pea meal). The bacon is then sliced and fried or can be baked whole and then sliced. It is never smoked.
[url]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Back_bacon[/url][/QUOTE]
Of, course, it IS Wiki, so take all that with a pinch of curing salt.
[QUOTE]Back bacon is a cut of cured bacon sliced to include both the pork loin from the back and a bit of pork belly in the same cut. It is much leaner than American style side bacon made only from the pork belly. Back bacon is derived from the same cut used for pork chops.[1] It is the most common cut in Britain and Ireland, where both smoked and unsmoked varieties are sold.[2]
"Canadian bacon" or "Canadian-style bacon" is the American name for a form of back bacon that is cured, smoked and fully cooked, trimmed into cylindrical medallions, and thickly sliced.[3] "Canadian" bacon is made only from the lean eye of the loin and is ready to eat. Its flavor is described as more ham-like than other types because of its lean cut.[3]
The term "Canadian bacon" is not actually used in Canada, where the product is generally known simply as "back bacon" while "bacon" alone refers to the same streaky pork belly bacon as in the United States.[3] Peameal bacon is a variety of back bacon popular in southern Ontario where the loin is wet cured before being rolled in cornmeal (originally yellow pea meal). The bacon is then sliced and fried or can be baked whole and then sliced. It is never smoked.
[url]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Back_bacon[/url][/QUOTE]
Of, course, it IS Wiki, so take all that with a pinch of curing salt.
573.) DParker - 05/19/2017
Eh, what do I know. I rely on these guys as my authoritative reference source:
574.) Swamp Fox - 05/19/2017
Freakin' Canadians...Messing everybody up...
575.) The Old Man - 05/19/2017
A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation --- no one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims ....
'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here,
I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays.... I will give him sex!'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, 'Screw him!'
Isn't senility wonderful?
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
There is a hush within the congregation --- no one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims ....
'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here,
I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays.... I will give him sex!'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, 'Screw him!'
Isn't senility wonderful?
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
576.) Swamp Fox - 05/22/2017
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, twirled his pistol, flipped it into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled.
No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. There was some mumbling. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back!
He saddled up and turned to ride out of town, but before he could leave, the bartender came out to the street and said, "I gotta ask, stranger: What happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, twirled his pistol, flipped it into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled.
No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. There was some mumbling. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back!
He saddled up and turned to ride out of town, but before he could leave, the bartender came out to the street and said, "I gotta ask, stranger: What happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
577.) bluecat - 05/22/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;49011]So I went looking and it seems ALMOST like one of those fine-as-frog-hair distinctions. Most sites I skimmed seemed not to make any distinction at all (quick read) but I did find this, which seems to mark a contrast:
Back bacon is a cut of cured bacon [B]sliced to include both the pork loin from the back and a bit of pork belly in the same cut[/B]. It is much leaner than American style side bacon made only from the pork belly. Back bacon is derived from the same cut used for pork chops.[1] It is the most common cut in Britain and Ireland, where both smoked and unsmoked varieties are sold.[2]
"Canadian bacon" or "Canadian-style bacon" is the American name for a form of back bacon that is cured, smoked and fully cooked, trimmed into cylindrical medallions, and thickly sliced.[3] "Canadian" bacon is made only from the lean eye of the loin and is ready to eat. Its flavor is described as more ham-like than other types because of its lean cut.[3]
The term "Canadian bacon" is not actually used in Canada, where the product is generally known simply as "back bacon" while "bacon" alone refers to the same streaky pork belly bacon as in the United States.[3] Peameal bacon is a variety of back bacon popular in southern Ontario where the loin is wet cured before being rolled in cornmeal (originally yellow pea meal). The bacon is then sliced and fried or can be baked whole and then sliced. It is never smoked.
[url]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Back_bacon[/url]
Of, course, it IS Wiki, so take all that with a pinch of curing salt.[/QUOTE]
How can you [B]include both the pork loin from the back and a bit of pork belly in the same cut[/B]?
Back bacon is a cut of cured bacon [B]sliced to include both the pork loin from the back and a bit of pork belly in the same cut[/B]. It is much leaner than American style side bacon made only from the pork belly. Back bacon is derived from the same cut used for pork chops.[1] It is the most common cut in Britain and Ireland, where both smoked and unsmoked varieties are sold.[2]
"Canadian bacon" or "Canadian-style bacon" is the American name for a form of back bacon that is cured, smoked and fully cooked, trimmed into cylindrical medallions, and thickly sliced.[3] "Canadian" bacon is made only from the lean eye of the loin and is ready to eat. Its flavor is described as more ham-like than other types because of its lean cut.[3]
The term "Canadian bacon" is not actually used in Canada, where the product is generally known simply as "back bacon" while "bacon" alone refers to the same streaky pork belly bacon as in the United States.[3] Peameal bacon is a variety of back bacon popular in southern Ontario where the loin is wet cured before being rolled in cornmeal (originally yellow pea meal). The bacon is then sliced and fried or can be baked whole and then sliced. It is never smoked.
[url]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Back_bacon[/url]
Of, course, it IS Wiki, so take all that with a pinch of curing salt.[/QUOTE]
How can you [B]include both the pork loin from the back and a bit of pork belly in the same cut[/B]?
578.) Swamp Fox - 05/22/2017
Seriously, this is not a joke...:wink
Here's what I found quickly...Start at 2:43...Kinda cursory, but you might get the idea. If you look for a pic of "back bacon" you'll see it's just a little tag of belly at the bottom of the loin meat.
Here's what I found quickly...Start at 2:43...Kinda cursory, but you might get the idea. If you look for a pic of "back bacon" you'll see it's just a little tag of belly at the bottom of the loin meat.
579.) Swamp Fox - 05/22/2017
"Pork belly" is really "side meat" in case that's part of the confusion.
580.) bluecat - 05/22/2017
Thank you, that makes sense now.
581.) Swamp Fox - 05/23/2017
There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt almost all the time. So he went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor got him to stand up on the examining table, told him to drop his pants, and started to look him over. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told him to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still bothered him.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
"Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
The doctor got him to stand up on the examining table, told him to drop his pants, and started to look him over. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told him to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still bothered him.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
"Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
582.) bluecat - 05/23/2017
I generally just tuck them into my socks.
583.) DParker - 05/23/2017
That reminds me, I need to stop at Home Depot on the way home and find a good replacement for my worn out wheelbarrow.
584.) bluecat - 05/23/2017
Make sure you get one with two wheels up front. Been there done that. :wink
585.) Swamp Fox - 05/23/2017
"Hey, my eyes are up here."
[I]:insert Debating Whether To Embed South Park Videos emoticon here:[/I]
:p
[I]:insert Debating Whether To Embed South Park Videos emoticon here:[/I]
:p
586.) Swamp Fox - 05/24/2017
Sam has been self-employed for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He winds up his business and buys 50 acres in Montana as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About seven..."
"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, Lars starts to leave, but stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, but I can hold my own. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's REALLY not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About seven..."
"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, Lars starts to leave, but stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, but I can hold my own. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's REALLY not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
587.) bluecat - 05/24/2017
:ach:
588.) bluecat - 05/24/2017
[B]You know you are in a Texas church when[/B]
People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
The restrooms are outside.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
When it rains, everyone is smiling.
Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".
The pastor wears boots.
Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.
The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"
People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
The restrooms are outside.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
When it rains, everyone is smiling.
Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".
The pastor wears boots.
Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.
The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"
589.) DParker - 05/24/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;49104]The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"[/QUOTE]
590.) billy b - 05/24/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;49104][B]You know you are in a Texas church when[/B]
People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
The restrooms are outside.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
When it rains, everyone is smiling.
Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".
The pastor wears boots.
Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.
The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"[/QUOTE]
HEEEEEY, I resemble most of this post.
People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
The restrooms are outside.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
When it rains, everyone is smiling.
Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".
The pastor wears boots.
Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.
The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"[/QUOTE]
HEEEEEY, I resemble most of this post.
591.) bluecat - 05/24/2017
I threw that in for you guys.
592.) Swamp Fox - 05/24/2017
I could start a separate Texan-Slash-Cowboy Joke of the Day thread, except I'd be afraid of creating a monster...LOL
I know Luv2 knows some good jokes...I can't believe he's not on here contributing.
I know Luv2 knows some good jokes...I can't believe he's not on here contributing.
593.) billy b - 05/25/2017
I can, he's better than us slugs.:re:
594.) DParker - 05/25/2017
The 3 biggest lies told by Texans:
1) My pickup is paid for.
2) I won this belt buckle in a rodeo.
3) I was just helping that sheep get over the fence.
1) My pickup is paid for.
2) I won this belt buckle in a rodeo.
3) I was just helping that sheep get over the fence.
595.) bluecat - 05/25/2017
[B]Tall Tales[/B]
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
596.) bluecat - 05/25/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;49108]
I know Luv2 knows some good jokes...I can't believe he's not on here contributing.[/QUOTE]
Karnac say, "A brief sighting in July with disparaging remarks to forum members for never posting anything worthwhile or hunting related . Then he will vanish and emerge again in September to post some obscure game management report for a remote area in Pennsylvania then announce that he is not participating in any contest."
I know Luv2 knows some good jokes...I can't believe he's not on here contributing.[/QUOTE]
Karnac say, "A brief sighting in July with disparaging remarks to forum members for never posting anything worthwhile or hunting related . Then he will vanish and emerge again in September to post some obscure game management report for a remote area in Pennsylvania then announce that he is not participating in any contest."
597.) Swamp Fox - 05/25/2017
LOL...
"Ward, don't be too hard on the Beaver."
"Ward, don't be too hard on the Beaver."
598.) bluecat - 05/25/2017
"But June, the boy has to learn how we do things in our house."
599.) Swamp Fox - 05/25/2017
It was springtime in the new Old West.
The cowboys rode the muddy trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboy came around a bend in the narrow trail, he came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, pardner," said the snake. "Don't shoot-- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "Alright, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped his shirt off and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...
"Oh My God!... I was riding the MARE!"
The cowboys rode the muddy trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboy came around a bend in the narrow trail, he came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, pardner," said the snake. "Don't shoot-- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "Alright, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped his shirt off and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...
"Oh My God!... I was riding the MARE!"
600.) bluecat - 05/25/2017
In today's world that's a quick fix. The good news is that he can go into any bathroom he wants now.
601.) Swamp Fox - 05/25/2017
There's a "Jack Squat" joke in there somewhere...
And/or a joke about cowboy or Indian names.
It's just not coming to me yet...LOL
And/or a joke about cowboy or Indian names.
It's just not coming to me yet...LOL
602.) bluecat - 05/25/2017
"Rides like a girl?"
603.) Swamp Fox - 05/25/2017
Yeah, I was trying to figure how to get a cowboy going by an Indian name all of a sudden, but I wasn't coming up with anything believable...LOL
604.) Swamp Fox - 05/25/2017
I was kinda stuck somewhere in the vicinity of "They called him Big Tall John and he was a good cowboy, until the incident. After that he was Jack Squat."
605.) bluecat - 05/25/2017
Built like a Hoyt but shoots like a Mathews?
Disclaimer: Any bow brands represented in this joke are purely coincidental and fictitious. No boat anchor or overly priced waffle maker was harmed in the creation of this joke.
Disclaimer: Any bow brands represented in this joke are purely coincidental and fictitious. No boat anchor or overly priced waffle maker was harmed in the creation of this joke.
606.) DParker - 05/25/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;49113]"Ward, don't be too hard on the Beaver."[/QUOTE]
Wasn't that the closing line from their pilot episode, "The Honeymoon"?
Wasn't that the closing line from their pilot episode, "The Honeymoon"?
607.) bluecat - 05/25/2017
Sadly, those were the days where men were men and woman baked cookies until it was time to not bake cookies.
608.) Swamp Fox - 05/25/2017
609.) DParker - 05/25/2017
This thread is now Don Draper approved.
610.) Swamp Fox - 05/25/2017
611.) bluecat - 05/25/2017
Y'all are a bunch of sexist, woman objectifiers. You can ask my wife but she is naked and vacuuming out my truck right now.
612.) DParker - 05/25/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;49127]You can ask my wife but she is naked and vacuuming out my truck right now.[/QUOTE]
How did you get your truck into the kitchen?
How did you get your truck into the kitchen?
613.) Swamp Fox - 05/25/2017
Here's an even worse question:
614.) The Old Man - 05/26/2017
"I NO COME WORK TODAY" !!!
Hung Chow calls into work and says, Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt, I no come work.
The boss says, You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house!
Hung Chow calls into work and says, Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt, I no come work.
The boss says, You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house!
615.) The Old Man - 05/26/2017
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:
*1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
*2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
*3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
*4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
*5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
*6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
*7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
*8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
*9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
*10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
*11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
*12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
*13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
*14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
*1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
*2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
*3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
*4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
*5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
*6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
*7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
*8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
*9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
*10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
*11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
*12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
*13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
*14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
616.) Swamp Fox - 05/26/2017
LOL...:beer:
617.) DParker - 05/26/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;49133]"I NO COME WORK TODAY" !!!
Hung Chow calls into work and says, Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt, I no come work.
The boss says, You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house![/QUOTE]
I'm stealing this one! :grin:
Hung Chow calls into work and says, Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt, I no come work.
The boss says, You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house![/QUOTE]
I'm stealing this one! :grin:
618.) Swamp Fox - 05/26/2017
A guy and his wife got a chance to take their dream vacation, a month living in France. They rented an apartment, made some day trips, got to know a lot of the locals and really soaked it all in.
As their vacation was winding down and they faced the prospect of going home, they decided to throw a big dinner party for all their new-found French friends as a way of saying thank you and farewell.
The afternoon of the party, they were getting everything ready for their friends to arrive in a few hours, when the wife realized she'd forgotten to buy snails for the evening meal. Unfortunately, it was a Sunday and all the shops were closed. She told her husband that he would have to go out to the woods to gather some, and handed him a plastic bucket.
Muttering under his breath, the husband started walking down the road 'til he came to a country lane and asked a Frenchman where he might be able to find some snails, and the man pointed him toward the edge of some woods a short distance away.
Sure enough, the husband began to find snails where he'd been told to look, and as he gathered them, he noticed a beautiful young French woman walking up the lane he'd just come down. Not for the first time during this vacation, he made a mental note of how exotic and sexy the French girls he'd seen seemed to be, and regretted a little the fact that he'd be leaving the country soon and would probably never see another French girl in his life.
"Oh, well," he thought, and continued his snail hunt, eyes glued to the ground.
Very shortly, his bucket was nearly full of snails and he turned to hike up to the road and was surprised to find the French girl standing there, watching him. "Bonjour, monsieur!" she said, greeting him with a bright smile. She told him how much she admired him for hunting his own snails, and they struck up a conversation. Before he knew it, they were walking back toward town together.
When they came to her house on the outskirts, she invited him to have a glass of wine with her.
Well, one thing led to another, especially after she batted her eyelashes at him, giggled and kissed him as they polished off the bottle, and soon things got hot and heavy. The guy couldn't believe his good luck, and afterwards he was so exhausted that he conked out and didn't awaken until early the next morning.
"Holy...!!!" The guy jumped out of bed with a start and his heart in his throat, yelling, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He snatched up all his clothes, threw them on as fast as he could, grabbed his bucket full of snails, and ran out the door.
He ran up the lane, then turned on the afterburners down the road all the way to his apartment. He flew up the stairs in such a hurry that when he got to the top, he tripped and spilled the bucket. There were snails all over the landing and all down the stairs. The door to his apartment opened just then, with his very angry wife standing in the hallway, screaming, demanding to know where he'd been all night and how could he ditch her party. He'd never seen her this mad, and that was saying something!
His heart was about to beat out of his chest, and he could feel his mouth go dry. He looked at the snails all down the stairs, and he looked at her, then back at the snails, and he swallowed hard trying to catch his breath and croaked, "Come on, guys...We're almost there!"
As their vacation was winding down and they faced the prospect of going home, they decided to throw a big dinner party for all their new-found French friends as a way of saying thank you and farewell.
The afternoon of the party, they were getting everything ready for their friends to arrive in a few hours, when the wife realized she'd forgotten to buy snails for the evening meal. Unfortunately, it was a Sunday and all the shops were closed. She told her husband that he would have to go out to the woods to gather some, and handed him a plastic bucket.
Muttering under his breath, the husband started walking down the road 'til he came to a country lane and asked a Frenchman where he might be able to find some snails, and the man pointed him toward the edge of some woods a short distance away.
Sure enough, the husband began to find snails where he'd been told to look, and as he gathered them, he noticed a beautiful young French woman walking up the lane he'd just come down. Not for the first time during this vacation, he made a mental note of how exotic and sexy the French girls he'd seen seemed to be, and regretted a little the fact that he'd be leaving the country soon and would probably never see another French girl in his life.
"Oh, well," he thought, and continued his snail hunt, eyes glued to the ground.
Very shortly, his bucket was nearly full of snails and he turned to hike up to the road and was surprised to find the French girl standing there, watching him. "Bonjour, monsieur!" she said, greeting him with a bright smile. She told him how much she admired him for hunting his own snails, and they struck up a conversation. Before he knew it, they were walking back toward town together.
When they came to her house on the outskirts, she invited him to have a glass of wine with her.
Well, one thing led to another, especially after she batted her eyelashes at him, giggled and kissed him as they polished off the bottle, and soon things got hot and heavy. The guy couldn't believe his good luck, and afterwards he was so exhausted that he conked out and didn't awaken until early the next morning.
"Holy...!!!" The guy jumped out of bed with a start and his heart in his throat, yelling, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He snatched up all his clothes, threw them on as fast as he could, grabbed his bucket full of snails, and ran out the door.
He ran up the lane, then turned on the afterburners down the road all the way to his apartment. He flew up the stairs in such a hurry that when he got to the top, he tripped and spilled the bucket. There were snails all over the landing and all down the stairs. The door to his apartment opened just then, with his very angry wife standing in the hallway, screaming, demanding to know where he'd been all night and how could he ditch her party. He'd never seen her this mad, and that was saying something!
His heart was about to beat out of his chest, and he could feel his mouth go dry. He looked at the snails all down the stairs, and he looked at her, then back at the snails, and he swallowed hard trying to catch his breath and croaked, "Come on, guys...We're almost there!"
619.) The Old Man - 05/27/2017
A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
620.) The Old Man - 05/27/2017
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values..
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
621.) DParker - 05/27/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;49167]A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."[/QUOTE]
His logic was flawless.
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."[/QUOTE]
His logic was flawless.
622.) The Old Man - 05/28/2017
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
623.) bluecat - 05/30/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;49169]His logic was flawless.[/QUOTE]
Spoken like a programmer.
if (eggs) {
getMilk(6);
}
else {
getMilk(1);
}
Spoken like a programmer.
if (eggs) {
getMilk(6);
}
else {
getMilk(1);
}
624.) Swamp Fox - 05/30/2017
625.) DParker - 05/30/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;49186]Spoken like a programmer.
[B][FONT=Courier New][COLOR="#008000"]if[/COLOR] ( [COLOR="#B22222"]eggs[/COLOR] )
{
[INDENT][COLOR="#B22222"]getMilk[/COLOR]( [COLOR="#0000FF"]6[/COLOR] );[/INDENT]
}
[COLOR="#008000"]else[/COLOR]
{
[INDENT][COLOR="#B22222"]getMilk[/COLOR]( [COLOR="#0000FF"]1[/COLOR] );[/INDENT]
}[/FONT][/B][/QUOTE]
FIFY. Sorry...but I'm a bit OCD when it comes to formatting and chromacoding.
[B][FONT=Courier New][COLOR="#008000"]if[/COLOR] ( [COLOR="#B22222"]eggs[/COLOR] )
{
[INDENT][COLOR="#B22222"]getMilk[/COLOR]( [COLOR="#0000FF"]6[/COLOR] );[/INDENT]
}
[COLOR="#008000"]else[/COLOR]
{
[INDENT][COLOR="#B22222"]getMilk[/COLOR]( [COLOR="#0000FF"]1[/COLOR] );[/INDENT]
}[/FONT][/B][/QUOTE]
FIFY. Sorry...but I'm a bit OCD when it comes to formatting and chromacoding.
626.) Swamp Fox - 05/30/2017
Give us those nice bright colors, give us the greens of summers...Makes you think all the world's a sunny day, oh yeah...
627.) bluecat - 05/30/2017
"I see a red door and I want it painted black."
628.) DParker - 05/30/2017
[video=youtube;hpiIWMWWVco]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpiIWMWWVco[/video]
629.) Swamp Fox - 05/30/2017
Re. (Red Door) Paint It Black:
I don't know what that means in programming-speak, but I was trying to find a decent video for that song just yesterday...LOL.
Weird, or globalist conspiracy?
I don't know what that means in programming-speak, but I was trying to find a decent video for that song just yesterday...LOL.
Weird, or globalist conspiracy?
630.) Swamp Fox - 05/30/2017
I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords...
631.) The Old Man - 05/30/2017
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
*The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
*The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
*He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
*The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
*The group fell silent for a moment.
*The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
*The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
*The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
*The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
*The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
*He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
*The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
*The group fell silent for a moment.
*The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
*The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
*The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
632.) Swamp Fox - 05/30/2017
:laugh:
633.) bluecat - 05/30/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;49189][/QUOTE]
LOL!
[/QUOTE]LOL!
634.) bluecat - 05/30/2017
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a
hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting
for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't
have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with real courage!"
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a
hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting
for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't
have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with real courage!"
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”
635.) DParker - 05/30/2017
A man and his wife are playing the 5th hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."
He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her.
A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."
He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, "No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!"
He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her.
A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."
He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, "No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!"
636.) Swamp Fox - 05/30/2017
LOL...Both good. :-)
637.) The Old Man - 05/31/2017
Why can't you hear a pteradactyl taking a leak?
Because the "P" is silent.
Because the "P" is silent.
638.) Swamp Fox - 05/31/2017
LOL...:ach:
639.) Swamp Fox - 05/31/2017
640.) bluecat - 05/31/2017
[QUOTE=The Old Man;49212]Why can't you hear a pteradactyl taking a leak?
Because the "P" is silent.[/QUOTE]
I find that joke offensive and in poor taste.
Because the "P" is silent.[/QUOTE]
I find that joke offensive and in poor taste.
641.) Swamp Fox - 05/31/2017
LOL...
Good call +2.
I think I've said it on here before: One of my all-time favorite hashtags came out when her clown show was at its peak (psummit?): #JenPsakiPsays
I just ROTFLMAO every time I think of it...
Yes, I'm easily amused. :laugh:
Good call +2.
I think I've said it on here before: One of my all-time favorite hashtags came out when her clown show was at its peak (psummit?): #JenPsakiPsays
I just ROTFLMAO every time I think of it...
Yes, I'm easily amused. :laugh:
642.) Swamp Fox - 06/01/2017
If meat eaters acted like vegans:
643.) bluecat - 06/01/2017
Oh baby, that is awesome. I have a few people in my family that need to see this -the constant put downs, the hummus pots, the elitist attitude.
644.) bluecat - 06/01/2017
Now, on to being gluten intolerant...
645.) Swamp Fox - 06/01/2017
Funny you should ask...LOL
Fair and Balanced:
Fair and Balanced:
646.) Swamp Fox - 06/02/2017
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says. "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says. "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
647.) bluecat - 06/02/2017
:re: :lol:
648.) bluecat - 06/02/2017
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!
649.) Swamp Fox - 06/05/2017
A guy walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
The bartender pours him one and he downs it, and orders a second, saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender says, "Listen, I don't know what you're talking about, but I think you'd better settle up here and leave."
And the man says, "Yeah, now the problems start!"
The bartender pours him one and he downs it, and orders a second, saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender says, "Listen, I don't know what you're talking about, but I think you'd better settle up here and leave."
And the man says, "Yeah, now the problems start!"
650.) Swamp Fox - 06/06/2017
Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the whole weekend partying with his buddies and spending his entire check.
When he finally appeared home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the rant and asked him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
"That would be fine with me," he replied.
So Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the whole weekend partying with his buddies and spending his entire check.
When he finally appeared home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the rant and asked him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
"That would be fine with me," he replied.
So Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
651.) Swamp Fox - 06/07/2017
There was a fisherman who was out in the ocean when his boat sank.
He was lucky enough to make it to a small deserted island where he had to survive on what he could find.
When the Coast Guard eventually found him, they noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers all around.
The officer went over to the fisherman and said, “You know, it’s illegal to kill a California Condor. I’m afraid I'm going to have to arrest you.”
The fisherman protested for some time, saying that he killed it because he was going to starve, but eventually he calmed down.
“Out of curiosity,” the Coast Guardsman asked, “What did it taste like?”
The fisherman replied, ”Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle.”
He was lucky enough to make it to a small deserted island where he had to survive on what he could find.
When the Coast Guard eventually found him, they noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers all around.
The officer went over to the fisherman and said, “You know, it’s illegal to kill a California Condor. I’m afraid I'm going to have to arrest you.”
The fisherman protested for some time, saying that he killed it because he was going to starve, but eventually he calmed down.
“Out of curiosity,” the Coast Guardsman asked, “What did it taste like?”
The fisherman replied, ”Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle.”
652.) bluecat - 06/07/2017
A husband was in big trouble after forgetting his wedding anniversary.
His wife scathingly told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a new bathroom scale.
His wife scathingly told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a new bathroom scale.
653.) Swamp Fox - 06/08/2017
[QUOTE]And on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye...[/QUOTE]
LOL.....
LOL.....
654.) Swamp Fox - 06/08/2017
[B]Thirteen Bad Slogan Translations:[/B]
13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."
11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
9) Pepsi’s "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.
7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6) Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first-class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
3) The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn’t Go".
1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela" meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."
13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."
11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
9) Pepsi’s "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.
7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6) Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first-class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
3) The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn’t Go".
1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela" meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."
655.) bluecat - 06/08/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;49347]LOL.....[/QUOTE]
I omitted that because there is enough violence in the world today, thank you very much.
I omitted that because there is enough violence in the world today, thank you very much.
656.) Swamp Fox - 06/08/2017
LOL...Probably a wise move on your part.
657.) bluecat - 06/08/2017
658.) DParker - 06/08/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;49348]10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."[/QUOTE]
Well, it's crappy beer...so that one's not all that bad of a translation.
Well, it's crappy beer...so that one's not all that bad of a translation.
659.) Swamp Fox - 06/09/2017
A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur, with a pygmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"
"Yes," said the pygmy.
The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"
The pygmy said, "I killed it with my club."
"How big is your club?" asked the astonished hunter.
"There are about two hundred of us," said the pygmy.
"Yes," said the pygmy.
The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"
The pygmy said, "I killed it with my club."
"How big is your club?" asked the astonished hunter.
"There are about two hundred of us," said the pygmy.
660.) bluecat - 06/09/2017
smh :re:
661.) Swamp Fox - 06/12/2017
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"Well, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. Yes it did. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"Well, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. Yes it did. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
662.) bluecat - 06/12/2017
Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day.
"You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss.
"That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.
"You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss.
"That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.
663.) Swamp Fox - 06/13/2017
[B]Have we done this one already?[/B]
Three women die almost simultaneously, and arrive at the Pearly Gates together.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: 'Don't step on the ducks!'"
So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one on her first day.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man they ever saw. St. Peter chains the duck-squashing woman to the ugly man and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
Seeing this, the two other women become very careful about where they put their feet, but within a week one of them accidentally steps on another duck and along comes St. Peter again. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, becomes very, VERY cautious about where she steps from then on. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ..... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity!?"
And the guy says, "Well, I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
Three women die almost simultaneously, and arrive at the Pearly Gates together.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: 'Don't step on the ducks!'"
So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one on her first day.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man they ever saw. St. Peter chains the duck-squashing woman to the ugly man and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
Seeing this, the two other women become very careful about where they put their feet, but within a week one of them accidentally steps on another duck and along comes St. Peter again. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, becomes very, VERY cautious about where she steps from then on. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ..... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity!?"
And the guy says, "Well, I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
664.) bluecat - 06/13/2017
Oh damn!
665.) DParker - 06/13/2017
LOL! +5
666.) bluecat - 06/13/2017
Glad to see you've embraced the point system DP.
667.) bluecat - 06/13/2017
:-):grin:
668.) DParker - 06/13/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;49410]Glad to see you've embraced the point system DP.[/QUOTE]
The peer pressure got to me.
The peer pressure got to me.
669.) Swamp Fox - 06/14/2017
A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.
The doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery, taking a rib from Adam, the first man, to create Eve, the first woman?"
"No," said the engineer. "Do you know what a master engineering feat Creation itself is? It must have been an engineer to create the universe from utter chaos!"
"And who created the *chaos*?" said the lawyer, knowingly.
The doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery, taking a rib from Adam, the first man, to create Eve, the first woman?"
"No," said the engineer. "Do you know what a master engineering feat Creation itself is? It must have been an engineer to create the universe from utter chaos!"
"And who created the *chaos*?" said the lawyer, knowingly.
670.) DParker - 06/14/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;49435]"And who created the *chaos*?" said the lawyer, knowingly.[/QUOTE]
671.) Swamp Fox - 06/15/2017
I got back from a trip recently and United tore up my luggage so badly, I went to see a lawyer and showed him.
"I want to sue the airline for the damage and the aggravation," I said.
"I see," he said, "but you don't have much of a case."
"I want to sue the airline for the damage and the aggravation," I said.
"I see," he said, "but you don't have much of a case."
672.) The Old Man - 06/16/2017
Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
*"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.
*"Nope, I only need one ball."
*"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"
*"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."
*"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
*"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"
*"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"
*"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"
*Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"
*"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
*Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
*"I found it."
*"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.
*"Nope, I only need one ball."
*"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"
*"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."
*"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
*"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"
*"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"
*"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"
*Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"
*"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
*Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
*"I found it."
673.) Swamp Fox - 06/16/2017
LOL...
Probably belongs to one of these guys...
Probably belongs to one of these guys...
674.) Swamp Fox - 06/19/2017
There was a truck driver who liked to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road and drive on.
One day as the trucker was driving along, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church five miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!" The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
A mile or so on, the trucker saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD!"
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
One day as the trucker was driving along, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church five miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!" The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
A mile or so on, the trucker saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD!"
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
675.) Swamp Fox - 06/20/2017
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich: "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $11.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A bowl of chili and a beer." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
When the waitress brings the check for $9.56 the man reaches into his pocket and again has exact change.
This goes on each time the man comes in, until the two come in on a Friday night.
"Let's live it up a little," says the man. "I'll have a steak, baked potato, and salad."
"Same," says the ostrich.
After dinner, the waitress brings the check for $32.62. Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer: "Excuse me, sir. I'm just dying to know...How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"But, sir," the waitress inquires, "what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses a moment and says, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $11.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A bowl of chili and a beer." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
When the waitress brings the check for $9.56 the man reaches into his pocket and again has exact change.
This goes on each time the man comes in, until the two come in on a Friday night.
"Let's live it up a little," says the man. "I'll have a steak, baked potato, and salad."
"Same," says the ostrich.
After dinner, the waitress brings the check for $32.62. Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer: "Excuse me, sir. I'm just dying to know...How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"But, sir," the waitress inquires, "what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses a moment and says, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
676.) bluecat - 06/20/2017
+2 for the ostrich joke and +2 for preacher joke
677.) Swamp Fox - 06/20/2017
Thanks. It's good to know all my hard work is paying off around here...But you missed my Indian cooking joke in WildBob's camp thread last week...LOL...I'm still a little hurt about that.
LOL
LOL
678.) bluecat - 06/20/2017
Didn't miss it at all. I love Indian food. Try the Lamb Korma, it must have a little saffron in it. Is it a flavorant or is it just mostly to add color?
679.) Wild Bob - 06/20/2017
This is the NEW HC...we ain't got no room for hurt 'round here son.
680.) Swamp Fox - 06/20/2017
LOL....That's good to know.
681.) Swamp Fox - 06/20/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;49546]Didn't miss it at all. I love Indian food. Try the Lamb Korma, it must have a little saffron in it. Is it a flavorant or is it just mostly to add color?[/QUOTE]
Montana...Cowboys...Indians...Robert from Tech Support...Customer Service Vindaloop...Lamb Korma...I was trying to weave them all together...LOL
But seriously, I think I've had East Indian food exactly once. It was a loooong time ago. I was dating a vegetarian chick at the time and we were running out of options...LOL
I don't remember it being too bad, but somebody would have to clue me in to what I should seek out next time if the need should ever arise.
I think saffron is both for flavor and color, by the way, but what do I know?
Everything I say on the matter could very well be just a bunch of
Montana...Cowboys...Indians...Robert from Tech Support...Customer Service Vindaloop...Lamb Korma...I was trying to weave them all together...LOL
But seriously, I think I've had East Indian food exactly once. It was a loooong time ago. I was dating a vegetarian chick at the time and we were running out of options...LOL
I don't remember it being too bad, but somebody would have to clue me in to what I should seek out next time if the need should ever arise.
I think saffron is both for flavor and color, by the way, but what do I know?
Everything I say on the matter could very well be just a bunch of
682.) Wild Bob - 06/20/2017
Is that baloney to divert the grizzlies when they start chasing her???
683.) Swamp Fox - 06/20/2017
She doesn't have to be faster than the grizzly...She just has to be able to outrun her own baloney.
684.) DParker - 06/21/2017
I just want to know where you can still get 2 bowls of chili and 2 beers for $9.56 including tax.
685.) Swamp Fox - 06/21/2017
Miller ponies, small bowls, no beans...
LOL
LOL
686.) DParker - 06/21/2017
Man...I haven't seen a Miller pony since high school. They were great for chasing Bacardi straight from the bottle, and when you wanted to brag in English class about how many "beers" you put away over the weekend.
687.) Swamp Fox - 06/21/2017
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
688.) bluecat - 06/21/2017
:ach:
689.) The Old Man - 06/21/2017
* I laid awake and some things went through my mind, here are some of them
*When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
*If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
*Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
*Why do 'tugboats push their barges?
*Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
*Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
*Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
*Why does one get in trouble for reckless driving?
*Does a fish get cramps after eating?
*Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
*When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
*If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
*Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
*Why do 'tugboats push their barges?
*Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
*Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
*Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
*Why does one get in trouble for reckless driving?
*Does a fish get cramps after eating?
*Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
690.) Swamp Fox - 06/22/2017
The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week’s vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn’t quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE.
But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC: “Does the campground have its own BC?” is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn’t old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn’t figure out what the woman was talking about.
That BC business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn’t imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous…even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.
Sincerely,
(Campground Owner)
But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC: “Does the campground have its own BC?” is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn’t old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn’t figure out what the woman was talking about.
That BC business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn’t imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous…even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.
Sincerely,
(Campground Owner)
691.) Swamp Fox - 06/23/2017
How Amazon's acquisition of Whole Foods really went down:
[I][QUOTE]Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.
Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.
Bezos: Crap.[/QUOTE][/I]
[I][QUOTE]Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.
Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.
Bezos: Crap.[/QUOTE][/I]
692.) DParker - 06/23/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;49609]How Amazon's acquisition of Whole Foods really went down:
[I][/I][/QUOTE]
Amazon might have competition. I told a variant of that joke at my daughter's house this past Sunday and their Dot woke up and responded, "OK, I've put Whole Foods on your shopping list." I suspect the resulting offer will be a low-ball though.
[I][/I][/QUOTE]
Amazon might have competition. I told a variant of that joke at my daughter's house this past Sunday and their Dot woke up and responded, "OK, I've put Whole Foods on your shopping list." I suspect the resulting offer will be a low-ball though.
693.) Swamp Fox - 06/23/2017
LOL...
Amazon is on track to pay about $13.7 billion, but if you don't absolutely HAVE to have organic food you could get it for about 9.
Amazon is on track to pay about $13.7 billion, but if you don't absolutely HAVE to have organic food you could get it for about 9.
694.) Swamp Fox - 06/23/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;49618]Amazon might have competition. I told a variant of that joke at my daughter's house this past Sunday and their Dot woke up and responded, "OK, I've put Whole Foods on your shopping list." I suspect the resulting offer will be a low-ball though.[/QUOTE]
Amazon might have some competition elsewhere as well. Share price has risen above the "discussion price" last time I was paying attention. Walmart rumored to be in the mix.
Amazon might have some competition elsewhere as well. Share price has risen above the "discussion price" last time I was paying attention. Walmart rumored to be in the mix.
695.) DParker - 06/24/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;49641]LOL...
Amazon is on track to pay about $13.7 billion, but if you don't absolutely HAVE to have organic food you could get it for about 9.[/QUOTE]
I guess my bid of tree fiddy won't cut it then.
Amazon is on track to pay about $13.7 billion, but if you don't absolutely HAVE to have organic food you could get it for about 9.[/QUOTE]
I guess my bid of tree fiddy won't cut it then.
696.) Swamp Fox - 06/24/2017
LOL
Good boyfriend:
:laugh:
[B][SIZE=3]
Tomorrow night: Three Stooges Marathon on AMC![/SIZE][/B]
Good boyfriend:
:laugh:
[B][SIZE=3]
Tomorrow night: Three Stooges Marathon on AMC![/SIZE][/B]
697.) The Old Man - 06/25/2017
A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.
“Sir, you look extremely young. I can’t serve you even a single beer.”
“Oh c’mon. You can’t just slide me one?”
“Can’t and will not serve to anyone under age.”
“Fine. Well what other things do you have?”
“Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?”
“Pop.” Goes the weasel.
“Sir, you look extremely young. I can’t serve you even a single beer.”
“Oh c’mon. You can’t just slide me one?”
“Can’t and will not serve to anyone under age.”
“Fine. Well what other things do you have?”
“Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?”
“Pop.” Goes the weasel.
698.) Swamp Fox - 06/26/2017
:groan:
699.) Swamp Fox - 06/26/2017
Might be my favorite scene from Elf, with bonus WC Fields for some reason"
700.) Swamp Fox - 06/26/2017
.....
701.) Swamp Fox - 06/26/2017
WC Fields for some reason: :grin:
:wave:
:wave:
702.) Swamp Fox - 06/27/2017
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, something came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP, who raised his shotgun but then hesitated.
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, whatever it was was gone.
Another something appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy something flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.
"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate duck disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.
"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, whatever it was was gone.
Another something appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy something flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.
"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate duck disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.
"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
703.) bluecat - 06/27/2017
It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor
if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?"
The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together."
The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."
if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?"
The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together."
The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."
704.) Swamp Fox - 06/27/2017
LOL...
705.) Swamp Fox - 06/28/2017
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. When he wasn't cursing, he was just plain rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and to teach him polite words. He played soft music...Anything he could think of. Nothing worked. Losing patience, he yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He swatted the bird with the newspaper and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David grabbed the parrot and put him in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream, and then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt him, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot straightened his feathers, stepped out cautiously, and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to say that all was forgiven when the parrot continued: "May I ask what did the chicken do?"
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and to teach him polite words. He played soft music...Anything he could think of. Nothing worked. Losing patience, he yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He swatted the bird with the newspaper and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David grabbed the parrot and put him in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream, and then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt him, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot straightened his feathers, stepped out cautiously, and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to say that all was forgiven when the parrot continued: "May I ask what did the chicken do?"
706.) bluecat - 06/28/2017
:grin:
I don't know where you're getting all these, but I hope the well doesn't dry up.
I don't know where you're getting all these, but I hope the well doesn't dry up.
707.) Swamp Fox - 06/28/2017
Yeah, well, if anyone else ever hears any good jokes and can tell them on here, that would be great.
:wink
:wink
708.) Swamp Fox - 06/29/2017
:-).....
709.) bluecat - 06/29/2017
LOL!
Liberals are very concerned about people dying. So let's let in a bunch of unvetted people who hate us from countries that support terrorism.
Liberals are very concerned about people dying. So let's let in a bunch of unvetted people who hate us from countries that support terrorism.
710.) The Old Man - 06/30/2017
A man was crossing the jungle when he got ambushed by a group of natives. They had fearsome tattoos and bloodthirsty expressions in their faces and in front of them their terrible chieftain, a man the size of a mountain.
“Well, now I’m screwed,” says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear:
“You are not. Take the rock lying next to your foot and bash the chieftain’s skull in.”
The man, thankful that the spirits of the jungle stand on his side, listens to the instructions, grabs the rock and throws it at the chieftain, killing him instantly.
“There, now you’re screwed!!!,” says the mysterious voice.
“Well, now I’m screwed,” says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear:
“You are not. Take the rock lying next to your foot and bash the chieftain’s skull in.”
The man, thankful that the spirits of the jungle stand on his side, listens to the instructions, grabs the rock and throws it at the chieftain, killing him instantly.
“There, now you’re screwed!!!,” says the mysterious voice.
711.) The Old Man - 06/30/2017
An Adult Fairy Tale.
Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.
But there was a problem.Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his
daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword ofthe finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would
not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached.He told the Princess,
Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt some thing very hard.She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was over joyed.Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
What was in the Prince's pants
M&Ms
What on earth were you thinking?
Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.
But there was a problem.Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his
daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword ofthe finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would
not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached.He told the Princess,
Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt some thing very hard.She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was over joyed.Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
What was in the Prince's pants
M&Ms
What on earth were you thinking?
712.) Swamp Fox - 06/30/2017
LOL...Both good.
713.) Swamp Fox - 06/30/2017
I made a graph of my past relationships.
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
714.) bluecat - 06/30/2017
Too funny.
715.) bluecat - 07/05/2017
A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."
716.) Swamp Fox - 07/05/2017
LOL...I'll give a +2 on that.
717.) Swamp Fox - 07/05/2017
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
718.) bluecat - 07/05/2017
Fake news?
719.) Swamp Fox - 07/05/2017
An avid news junkie walks into the hospital and tells the nurse at the desk, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
He says, "But I really need to see an eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says, "Sir, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
He says, "But I really need to see an eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says, "Sir, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
720.) bluecat - 07/05/2017
A man has his car full of penguins. He drives past a policeman, but the policeman stops him. He says. "Hey, you! Yeah, you! You should take those penguins to the zoo!"
The man does that.
The next day in the same spot, the man still has the penguins. Once again he drives past the policeman. "Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
"I did," replies the man. "We had so much fun that we're going to the beach today!"
The man does that.
The next day in the same spot, the man still has the penguins. Once again he drives past the policeman. "Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
"I did," replies the man. "We had so much fun that we're going to the beach today!"
721.) Swamp Fox - 07/05/2017
:grin:
Pace yourself...LOL
Pace yourself...LOL
722.) crookedeye - 07/05/2017
.....
723.) bluecat - 07/05/2017
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bin, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bin, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
724.) Swamp Fox - 07/06/2017
:-)
***
***
725.) bluecat - 07/06/2017
+ 6
Awesome, I was looking for that joke yesterday and finally gave up. It's the same joke I'd heard except his diary was he missed a big buck that day. Thanks for finding that.
Awesome, I was looking for that joke yesterday and finally gave up. It's the same joke I'd heard except his diary was he missed a big buck that day. Thanks for finding that.
726.) Swamp Fox - 07/06/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;49889]+ 6
It's the same joke I'd heard except his diary was he missed a big buck that day. [/QUOTE]
Motorcycle, schmotorcycle, now that you mention it.
Missing a big buck or hot gobbler is a LOT worse! Ask me or a couple of my ex girlfriends how I know...LOL
It's the same joke I'd heard except his diary was he missed a big buck that day. [/QUOTE]
Motorcycle, schmotorcycle, now that you mention it.
Missing a big buck or hot gobbler is a LOT worse! Ask me or a couple of my ex girlfriends how I know...LOL
727.) bluecat - 07/07/2017
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
728.) Swamp Fox - 07/07/2017
LOL...I'm blanking right now. Who's the other guy in the Chuck Norris-joke rivalry? There used to be a bunch of stuff on who was tougher. Or more accurately, who you preferred to use in the joke. It wasn't Clint Eastwood, I don't think. Steven Seagal? Doesn't sound right. Hmmm...
Somebody help me out.
****
[QUOTE]Chuck Norris called and he wants the 70's Russians back. [/QUOTE]
That's my original. I'm trying to decide if I should use 80's Russians since that's more topical. (Obama-Romney debate episode.) But the 70's Russians were stronger and more intimidating. Hmmm...
Peanut gallery?
****
Not original:
[QUOTE]Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
[/QUOTE]
****
Bonus Political Coverage:
Somebody help me out.
****
[QUOTE]Chuck Norris called and he wants the 70's Russians back. [/QUOTE]
That's my original. I'm trying to decide if I should use 80's Russians since that's more topical. (Obama-Romney debate episode.) But the 70's Russians were stronger and more intimidating. Hmmm...
Peanut gallery?
****
Not original:
[QUOTE]Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
[/QUOTE]
****
Bonus Political Coverage:
729.) Swamp Fox - 07/10/2017
A journalist arrives in a small town out West to do a story on the locals and how they're managing.
He hasn't been there half a day when he notices a serious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon, he asks a cowboy, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"
"Well, we work hard, and we like to hunt and fish," says the cowboy.
Another guy at the bar interjects, "And we like to play cards!"
"Drink!" shouts a third.
"No, I mean for women?" says the journalist. "I see hardly any women around town."
"Well, you're right about that," says the cowboy. "Can't get women to come to this town, so everyone is down to sheep."
"Sheep!" cries the journalist. "That's disgusting! I've never heard of such moral degradation!"
"Suit yourself. You're not from around here," says the cowboy, and everyone goes back to what they were doing.
After a few weeks working on his article from a room above the saloon, the correspondent is getting lonely and the sheep are looking more and more attractive. So he finally goes out and finds himself a comely one, brings her back to his room, shampoos her lovingly and then ties ribbons in her wool and a big pretty bow around her neck. When he's certain he's dating the prettiest sheep in town, he figures he's ready to proudly escort her down to the saloon to get a drink.
As they descend the stairs, a hush falls over the room, and everyone's staring at them.
"Oh, sure!" exclaims the journalist. "You bunch of hypocrites! You've been shagging sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"
The room is quiet for a moment, and there's some shuffling of boots on the dusty floor. Finally, one cowboy speaks up: "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"
*****
The question is, did the joke come first, or the song? --And you thought you knew the Kingston Trio...LOL
He hasn't been there half a day when he notices a serious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon, he asks a cowboy, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"
"Well, we work hard, and we like to hunt and fish," says the cowboy.
Another guy at the bar interjects, "And we like to play cards!"
"Drink!" shouts a third.
"No, I mean for women?" says the journalist. "I see hardly any women around town."
"Well, you're right about that," says the cowboy. "Can't get women to come to this town, so everyone is down to sheep."
"Sheep!" cries the journalist. "That's disgusting! I've never heard of such moral degradation!"
"Suit yourself. You're not from around here," says the cowboy, and everyone goes back to what they were doing.
After a few weeks working on his article from a room above the saloon, the correspondent is getting lonely and the sheep are looking more and more attractive. So he finally goes out and finds himself a comely one, brings her back to his room, shampoos her lovingly and then ties ribbons in her wool and a big pretty bow around her neck. When he's certain he's dating the prettiest sheep in town, he figures he's ready to proudly escort her down to the saloon to get a drink.
As they descend the stairs, a hush falls over the room, and everyone's staring at them.
"Oh, sure!" exclaims the journalist. "You bunch of hypocrites! You've been shagging sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"
The room is quiet for a moment, and there's some shuffling of boots on the dusty floor. Finally, one cowboy speaks up: "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"
*****
The question is, did the joke come first, or the song? --And you thought you knew the Kingston Trio...LOL
730.) bluecat - 07/10/2017
Are we done with the sheep jokes?
731.) Swamp Fox - 07/10/2017
Not if I know that they really annoy you...:nk:
732.) bluecat - 07/10/2017
No, I love them, just wanted to know if I could look forward to more.
733.) bluecat - 07/10/2017
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"
734.) bluecat - 07/10/2017
If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and smells like a duck but Chuck Norris says its a giraffe its a damn giraffe!
735.) Swamp Fox - 07/10/2017
LOL...
That reminds me of a joke I think I'll tell tomorrow.
Always listen to the old rancher, old farmer, or old coot. :wink
Right, Billy? :-)
That reminds me of a joke I think I'll tell tomorrow.
Always listen to the old rancher, old farmer, or old coot. :wink
Right, Billy? :-)
736.) Swamp Fox - 07/10/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;49963]Are we done with the sheep jokes?[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;49964]Not if I know that they really annoy you...:nk:[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=bluecat;49965]No, I love them, just wanted to know if I could look forward to more.[/QUOTE]
LOL...
+3
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;49964]Not if I know that they really annoy you...:nk:[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=bluecat;49965]No, I love them, just wanted to know if I could look forward to more.[/QUOTE]
LOL...
+3
737.) Swamp Fox - 07/12/2017
An old man in South Carolina owned a farm that backed up to the river, and a long time ago he'd built a big blackwater pond on the property between it and the homeplace. It was deep and cool, and no matter what the river was doing, he always had a place to fish or set out and enjoy the peace and quiet. He'd put a picnic table down there and a fire pit and some chairs, and planted some fruit trees and nut trees around for shade where he needed it.
One evening the old man was feeling restless and decided to go down to the pond to look it over. He didn't feel like fishing, but he hadn't been there in a while and he thought the walk would do him good. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all swam to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim nekkid or make you get out of the pond nekkid."
Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator!"
One evening the old man was feeling restless and decided to go down to the pond to look it over. He didn't feel like fishing, but he hadn't been there in a while and he thought the walk would do him good. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all swam to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim nekkid or make you get out of the pond nekkid."
Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator!"
738.) bluecat - 07/12/2017
+3 :grin:
739.) Swamp Fox - 07/13/2017
Standing on the beach, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.
Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.
A fisherman ran up.
The man said, “My wife can't swim! She's drowning! Please save her! I'll give you a hundred dollars!”
The fisherman dove into the water…
Quickly, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and pulled her back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man on the beach, the fisherman said, out of breath, “Okay, bud, where’s my hundred dollars?”
The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.”
The fisherman winced, reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?”
Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.
A fisherman ran up.
The man said, “My wife can't swim! She's drowning! Please save her! I'll give you a hundred dollars!”
The fisherman dove into the water…
Quickly, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and pulled her back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man on the beach, the fisherman said, out of breath, “Okay, bud, where’s my hundred dollars?”
The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.”
The fisherman winced, reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?”
740.) bluecat - 07/13/2017
Maine Democratic Rep Makes Physical Threat Against ‘Pu**y’ Trump
741.) DParker - 07/13/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;50050]Maine Democratic Rep Makes Physical Threat Against ‘Pu**y’ Trump
[/QUOTE]
You can tell how educated he is by his impressive vocabulary and mature speaking style.
[/QUOTE]You can tell how educated he is by his impressive vocabulary and mature speaking style.
742.) crookedeye - 07/13/2017
i bet you wouldnt tell mike tyson that...
743.) crookedeye - 07/13/2017
lol..
744.) bluecat - 07/13/2017
While you were out CE, there were several jokes and barbs targeted at Nebraska. Thought you should no. It pays to be vigilant.
745.) DParker - 07/13/2017
[QUOTE=crookedeye;50052]i bet you wouldnt tell mike tyson that...[/QUOTE]
Well, it seems pretty unlikely that Mike Tyson would ever seriously publicly brag about how educated he is, so.....yeah, probably not.
Well, it seems pretty unlikely that Mike Tyson would ever seriously publicly brag about how educated he is, so.....yeah, probably not.
746.) bluecat - 07/13/2017
Hence the phrase, "As nervous as Mike Tyson at a spelling bee."
747.) Swamp Fox - 07/13/2017
LOL...
Not sure what this is doing in the joke thread, but maybe it's a judgment call since we don't have a mental health/cry for help thread.
Alternative theory: The post qualifies because I counted 18 jokes before quitting, psyched out that I was getting close to running out of fingers and toes.
I'm tempted to point out my favorite jokes, but it's been a long day. Plus it might not be nice to criticize someone who's visiting from another planet.
For one thing, he might not understand sarcasm. Not sure they have that wherever they inseminated his big giant brain with all the education. Not even sure what orifice they used.
Not sure what this is doing in the joke thread, but maybe it's a judgment call since we don't have a mental health/cry for help thread.
Alternative theory: The post qualifies because I counted 18 jokes before quitting, psyched out that I was getting close to running out of fingers and toes.
I'm tempted to point out my favorite jokes, but it's been a long day. Plus it might not be nice to criticize someone who's visiting from another planet.
For one thing, he might not understand sarcasm. Not sure they have that wherever they inseminated his big giant brain with all the education. Not even sure what orifice they used.
748.) bluecat - 07/13/2017
When I read that Obama ran quite possibly the classiest 2 term presidency in US history, no scandals, successful commander in chief, zero rape victims, and he improved the economy...
I knew it was destined for the joke of the day thread.
I knew it was destined for the joke of the day thread.
749.) Swamp Fox - 07/13/2017
You forgot that he ended wars.
But the fun started even earlier than that...I knew we were headed for comedy gold when he said Trump was "installed."---LOL
BTW, I just confirmed my idea about the sarcasm. He's quoted as trying to characterize his post as "aggressively sarcastic" and an attempt to make a point about the state of today's political discourse.
Which goes to prove he doesn't understand what sarcasm is, nor satire, nor parody, nor irony, nor how to make a point in writing.
God only knows what else got left out of his massive education.
[url]http://fortune.com/2017/07/13/lawmaker-sorry-for-aggressively-sarcastic-anti-trump-facebook-post/[/url]
But the fun started even earlier than that...I knew we were headed for comedy gold when he said Trump was "installed."---LOL
BTW, I just confirmed my idea about the sarcasm. He's quoted as trying to characterize his post as "aggressively sarcastic" and an attempt to make a point about the state of today's political discourse.
Which goes to prove he doesn't understand what sarcasm is, nor satire, nor parody, nor irony, nor how to make a point in writing.
God only knows what else got left out of his massive education.
[url]http://fortune.com/2017/07/13/lawmaker-sorry-for-aggressively-sarcastic-anti-trump-facebook-post/[/url]
750.) bluecat - 07/13/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;50059]You forgot that he ended wars. [/QUOTE]
No, I didn't forget that.
[QUOTE=bluecat;50058]...[/QUOTE]
lol
No, I didn't forget that.
[QUOTE=bluecat;50058]...[/QUOTE]
lol
751.) bluecat - 07/13/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;50059]
Which goes to prove he doesn't understand what sarcasm is, nor satire, nor parody, nor irony, nor how to make a point in writing.
[/QUOTE]
What about puns?
Which goes to prove he doesn't understand what sarcasm is, nor satire, nor parody, nor irony, nor how to make a point in writing.
[/QUOTE]
What about puns?
752.) Swamp Fox - 07/13/2017
:-)
A major accomplishment like that, you should spell it out...
LOL
A major accomplishment like that, you should spell it out...
LOL
753.) bluecat - 07/13/2017
I don't think Obama is one to toot his own horn. He would feel a little uncomfortable listing his accomplishments so I respected that.
754.) Swamp Fox - 07/13/2017
I'm not sure, from what I've seen, that attempting puns wouldn't kill the boy...
You have to go slow with these highly educated types.
You have to go slow with these highly educated types.
755.) bluecat - 07/13/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;50064]I'm not sure, from what I've seen, that attempting puns wouldn't kill the boy...
You have to go slow with these highly educated people.[/QUOTE]
Above all, avoid facts.
You have to go slow with these highly educated people.[/QUOTE]
Above all, avoid facts.
756.) Swamp Fox - 07/13/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;50061]What about puns?[/QUOTE]
[url]http://www.barbneal.com/wp-content/uploads/fogleg16.mp3[/url]
[url]http://www.barbneal.com/wp-content/uploads/fogleg16.mp3[/url]
757.) bluecat - 07/13/2017
I'm sure sending his speeches to the Queen was awkward and uncomfortable for him.
758.) Swamp Fox - 07/14/2017
A successful rancher died and left everything to his young, devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For months, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town that Saturday night.
One in the morning came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around 2:30 and passing the den on the way upstairs, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her...
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
She looked at him with her smoky eyes, and he felt his heart in his throat under her gaze.
And then she said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For months, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town that Saturday night.
One in the morning came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around 2:30 and passing the den on the way upstairs, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her...
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
She looked at him with her smoky eyes, and he felt his heart in his throat under her gaze.
And then she said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
759.) bluecat - 07/14/2017
:wink :-)
+2
+2
760.) Swamp Fox - 07/17/2017
A sixteen-year old had his girlfriend promise him sex for their first time, and she said to pick her up at 7 PM Friday to meet her family and then they'd go parking.
Thursday afternoon he stopped in at the drug store and asked the pharmacist where they kept the condoms. He said he needed a dozen. The pharmacist chuckled and said he thought he needed a dozen too for his first time. But the young man insisted on buying a dozen even as the druggist assured him he shouldn't.
The young man arrived at 6:45 PM for his date with the girl of his dreams. He was ushered out on the back porch where her whole family was playing dominoes and Scrabble. At 10:00 he was still busy playing with the family, and at 11:00 he told them he had to go because he had a curfew.
The girl was a little upset at her boyfriend at this point, and walked him out to his car where she made her displeasure clear. She told him he'd really hurt her feelings, and she couldn't understand why he would rather play games than take her to park, and maybe they should break up if he he so insensitive.
Wide-eyed, like a deer in the headlights, he promptly replied he couldn't understand why she didn't tell him her father was a pharmacist.
Thursday afternoon he stopped in at the drug store and asked the pharmacist where they kept the condoms. He said he needed a dozen. The pharmacist chuckled and said he thought he needed a dozen too for his first time. But the young man insisted on buying a dozen even as the druggist assured him he shouldn't.
The young man arrived at 6:45 PM for his date with the girl of his dreams. He was ushered out on the back porch where her whole family was playing dominoes and Scrabble. At 10:00 he was still busy playing with the family, and at 11:00 he told them he had to go because he had a curfew.
The girl was a little upset at her boyfriend at this point, and walked him out to his car where she made her displeasure clear. She told him he'd really hurt her feelings, and she couldn't understand why he would rather play games than take her to park, and maybe they should break up if he he so insensitive.
Wide-eyed, like a deer in the headlights, he promptly replied he couldn't understand why she didn't tell him her father was a pharmacist.
761.) bluecat - 07/17/2017
It's almost like you were remembering that from personal experience.
762.) Swamp Fox - 07/17/2017
You know how you know it wasn't me?
I still don't know how to play dominoes.....
:wink:dig::shocked::p
I still don't know how to play dominoes.....
:wink:dig::shocked::p
763.) Swamp Fox - 07/18/2017
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?
Because it has a silent pee.
Because it has a silent pee.
764.) bluecat - 07/18/2017
That's a pterrible joke.
765.) Swamp Fox - 07/18/2017
Psorry. I've heard it ptwice in the last week and so I pfigured pthat must be a psign.
766.) Swamp Fox - 07/19/2017
I just flew in from Ferguson, Missouri and boy, are my arms tired.
With plans to go fishing after work, the first thing I did when I got out of the airport is notice the weather. The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain on my only day to fish this week!"
The phone replied, "It is, and don't call me Shirley!"
Guess I forgot to take it off Airplane mode…
With plans to go fishing after work, the first thing I did when I got out of the airport is notice the weather. The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain on my only day to fish this week!"
The phone replied, "It is, and don't call me Shirley!"
Guess I forgot to take it off Airplane mode…
767.) bluecat - 07/19/2017
Boo, Hiss
768.) Swamp Fox - 07/19/2017
Oh, man! I thought I was gonna get points for that... LOL
769.) bluecat - 07/19/2017
ptuff crowd
770.) bluecat - 07/19/2017
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
771.) bluecat - 07/20/2017
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
772.) Swamp Fox - 07/20/2017
:grin:
773.) Swamp Fox - 07/20/2017
Little Johnny's father was getting tired of Little Johnny's cussing problem, so he decided he decided to ask Barack Obama what to do, since it was well known from paying attention to the media that the former president had done such a good job at everything, including raising a family.
So Little Johnny's father wrote a letter explaining the situation and Obama replied. He wrote, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the things he wants."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage," said Little Johnny.
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Little Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
So Little Johnny's father wrote a letter explaining the situation and Obama replied. He wrote, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the things he wants."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage," said Little Johnny.
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Little Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
774.) bluecat - 07/20/2017
:tu:
775.) Swamp Fox - 07/20/2017
If I hear Stephen Colbert tell that one, I'm suing. I've got the date stamp as long as this site stays up...LOL
776.) bluecat - 07/21/2017
For Crookedeye,
A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?"
The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."
The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."
A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?"
The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."
The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."
777.) Swamp Fox - 07/21/2017
LOL...
778.) bluecat - 07/21/2017
That was good.
779.) DParker - 07/21/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;50192]LOL...
[/QUOTE]
He's right, you know. Every time I try to order peirogies at Home Depot they jump to all sorts of conclusions about me. It's very offensive.
[/QUOTE]
He's right, you know. Every time I try to order peirogies at Home Depot they jump to all sorts of conclusions about me. It's very offensive.
780.) bluecat - 07/21/2017
Ha Ha
781.) Swamp Fox - 07/21/2017
I finally found some frozen pierogi that are half-way decent. Much better and less expensive than the "upscale" fresh stuff that was over with the "homemade" soups.
I was after Crookedeye's recipe for a while but he won't turn it loose. Stingy with the 411, he is. Reminds me of a Scotsman on a penny:
[QUOTE]Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Jackie - Put your hat and coat on, lassie."
She replied, "Aw, Iain, that's nice... Are you takin' me to the pub with you?"
"Nah, dear, " he said. "I'm just switchin' the central heating off while I'm oot."
[/QUOTE]
I was after Crookedeye's recipe for a while but he won't turn it loose. Stingy with the 411, he is. Reminds me of a Scotsman on a penny:
[QUOTE]Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Jackie - Put your hat and coat on, lassie."
She replied, "Aw, Iain, that's nice... Are you takin' me to the pub with you?"
"Nah, dear, " he said. "I'm just switchin' the central heating off while I'm oot."
[/QUOTE]
782.) bluecat - 07/21/2017
What's the difference between a pierogi and a runza?
783.) Swamp Fox - 07/21/2017
Pierogi is [B]boiled[/B] pastry with filling (I deep fry them sometimes) and runza is [B]baked[/B] bread with filling. I'd never heard of runza before. This was helpful (see the whole page, including comments, at the link):
[QUOTE]From The Gazette out of Colorado Springs, Colorado: Local deli offers European bread treats Whatever you call it, a runza/bieroch is interchangeable. Both have German-Russian roots going back to the 18th century. The term “bieroch” comes from the Russian word “pirogi” and is the name for any food consisting of a filling stuffed into dough. “My grandparents were Russian, and they called the stuffed breads ‘runza.’ However, when Germans lived in Russia, they started calling runza ‘bieroch.’ And when the Germans were sent back to Germany, the ‘bieroch’ name stuck.”
[url]http://ksborn.blogspot.com/2008/03/bierocks-or-pirogies-are-they-same.html[/url][/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]From The Gazette out of Colorado Springs, Colorado: Local deli offers European bread treats Whatever you call it, a runza/bieroch is interchangeable. Both have German-Russian roots going back to the 18th century. The term “bieroch” comes from the Russian word “pirogi” and is the name for any food consisting of a filling stuffed into dough. “My grandparents were Russian, and they called the stuffed breads ‘runza.’ However, when Germans lived in Russia, they started calling runza ‘bieroch.’ And when the Germans were sent back to Germany, the ‘bieroch’ name stuck.”
[url]http://ksborn.blogspot.com/2008/03/bierocks-or-pirogies-are-they-same.html[/url][/QUOTE]
784.) bluecat - 07/21/2017
Wifey makes an excellent bieroch/runza. Not sure I've had a pierogi before.
785.) Swamp Fox - 07/21/2017
I guess I should say pierogi is pastry OR pasta. I don't know which is more authentic, but I bet you find recipes that use either. I could be all wet about that. Maybe people use the terms pasta or pastry or dough too loosely. If I go by the store tonight I'll look at a couple of packages and see what they use. I can see it going either way. They kinda look like ravioli shells but not really, LOL.
[QUOTE]As nouns the difference between pasta and pastry is that pasta is (uncountable) (particularly in italian cooking ) dough made from wheat and water and sometimes mixed with egg and formed into various shapes; often sold in dried form, it is typically boiled for eating while pastry is a baked food group which contains items made from flour and fat pastes such as pie crust; also tarts, bear claws, napoleons, puff pastries, etc.
[url]http://wikidiff.com/pastry/pasta[/url][/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]As nouns the difference between pasta and pastry is that pasta is (uncountable) (particularly in italian cooking ) dough made from wheat and water and sometimes mixed with egg and formed into various shapes; often sold in dried form, it is typically boiled for eating while pastry is a baked food group which contains items made from flour and fat pastes such as pie crust; also tarts, bear claws, napoleons, puff pastries, etc.
[url]http://wikidiff.com/pastry/pasta[/url][/QUOTE]
786.) Swamp Fox - 07/21/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;50220]Wifey makes an excellent bieroch/runza. Not sure I've had a pierogi before.[/QUOTE]
Try it..You'll like it.
Try it..You'll like it.
787.) DParker - 07/21/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;50223]Try it..You'll like it.
[/QUOTE]
LOL! What a brilliant series of ads that was. I was only 8 when this one aired, but I remember it like it was only 2,496 weeks ago....
[video=youtube;NQhwNtY3N2k]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQhwNtY3N2k[/video]
[/QUOTE]
LOL! What a brilliant series of ads that was. I was only 8 when this one aired, but I remember it like it was only 2,496 weeks ago....
[video=youtube;NQhwNtY3N2k]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQhwNtY3N2k[/video]
788.) DParker - 07/21/2017
This one too...
[video=youtube;VFKifpMtlNs]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFKifpMtlNs[/video]
[video=youtube;VFKifpMtlNs]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFKifpMtlNs[/video]
789.) DParker - 07/21/2017
And while we're at it, here's a bit of TV history trivia I never knew until just now. Gene Wilder (RIP) was the voice of this 1967 Alka Seltzer spot:
[video=youtube;_w3sU7NvRlI]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_w3sU7NvRlI[/video]
[video=youtube;_w3sU7NvRlI]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_w3sU7NvRlI[/video]
790.) Swamp Fox - 07/21/2017
Huh! Good find!
When I was a kid, all my little running buddies and I thought the Alka Seltzer ads were the funniest things going. We quoted them and did the accents like they were Monty Python (which had yet to hit). LOL
When I was a kid, all my little running buddies and I thought the Alka Seltzer ads were the funniest things going. We quoted them and did the accents like they were Monty Python (which had yet to hit). LOL
791.) Swamp Fox - 07/21/2017
BTW, I forgot to look at the pierogi packages this evening.
Will try again tomorrow!
Will try again tomorrow!
792.) bluecat - 07/24/2017
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice.
Nothing. You already told her twice.
793.) Swamp Fox - 07/24/2017
That's politically incorrect. You should think about becoming a better human being, maybe for the new year.
794.) Swamp Fox - 07/24/2017
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia.
She whispered, "They're right behind you."
She whispered, "They're right behind you."
795.) DParker - 07/24/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;50277]That's politically incorrect. You should think about becoming a better human being, maybe for the new year.
[/QUOTE]
The little-known pint-and-a-half.
[/QUOTE]The little-known pint-and-a-half.
796.) Swamp Fox - 07/24/2017
LOL...
+5 :applause:
Think about it, boys and girls: 1 pint + a half-pint = a pint-and-a-half...
That's brilliant right there, I don't care who you are...LOL
+5 :applause:
Think about it, boys and girls: 1 pint + a half-pint = a pint-and-a-half...
That's brilliant right there, I don't care who you are...LOL
797.) bluecat - 07/24/2017
Kudos to DP! Well played.
798.) DParker - 07/24/2017
This is an honor. First off, I'd like to thank all the little people who made it possible....
799.) DParker - 07/24/2017
I'm just glad I didn't come up short on that one.
800.) Swamp Fox - 07/24/2017
LOL...
801.) DParker - 07/24/2017
Five surgeons are in a bar when the discussion turns to patient preference.
The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains,and no spine... Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains,and no spine... Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
802.) Swamp Fox - 07/25/2017
:-).....
803.) Swamp Fox - 07/25/2017
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 10 years. He eventually decides to go and see a doctor.
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, where your testicles press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for, but he had no choice. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he felt like he was missing an important part of himself, but he realized that he felt like a completely different person without the pain. As he walked down the street, it dawned on him that he could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, “Clothes make the man! That's what I need... A new suit!”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I'd like a new suit.”
The elderly salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let's see... size 44 Long.”
Joe laughed. “That's right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 50 years, and I’m also the tailor!” the man said.
Joe tried on the jacket, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”
Joe was surprised, “That's right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 50 years.”
Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.
“New shoes?”
Again, the salesman knew Joe’s size without measuring, and as Joe walked comfortably around the shop trying them out, the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure…Why not? Might as well go all the way!”
The salesman said, “Let's see..... Size 36.”
Joe laughed: “Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head. “Maybe back then you did. But you can't wear size 34 now. Size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, where your testicles press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for, but he had no choice. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he felt like he was missing an important part of himself, but he realized that he felt like a completely different person without the pain. As he walked down the street, it dawned on him that he could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, “Clothes make the man! That's what I need... A new suit!”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I'd like a new suit.”
The elderly salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let's see... size 44 Long.”
Joe laughed. “That's right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 50 years, and I’m also the tailor!” the man said.
Joe tried on the jacket, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”
Joe was surprised, “That's right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 50 years.”
Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.
“New shoes?”
Again, the salesman knew Joe’s size without measuring, and as Joe walked comfortably around the shop trying them out, the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure…Why not? Might as well go all the way!”
The salesman said, “Let's see..... Size 36.”
Joe laughed: “Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head. “Maybe back then you did. But you can't wear size 34 now. Size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
804.) bluecat - 07/25/2017
Oh man! :grin:
805.) bluecat - 07/25/2017
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guys says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter.....let's look for yours."
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guys says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter.....let's look for yours."
806.) Swamp Fox - 07/25/2017
LOL...
807.) Swamp Fox - 07/26/2017
A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. While her dad is getting his hair cut, the girl begins eating a snack cake. While she's eating, she walks over and stands right next to the barber's chair.
The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
"I know," the little girl replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."
The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
"I know," the little girl replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."
808.) bluecat - 07/26/2017
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
809.) Swamp Fox - 07/26/2017
LOL...That reminds me of a joke I'll tell tomorrow. (I've got to pace myself. :-))
810.) DParker - 07/26/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;50390]A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. While her dad is getting his hair cut, the girl begins eating a snack cake. While she's eating, she walks over and stands right next to the barber's chair.
The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
"I know," the little girl replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."[/QUOTE]
LOL! +3.1415926 for that one.
The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
"I know," the little girl replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."[/QUOTE]
LOL! +3.1415926 for that one.
811.) Swamp Fox - 07/26/2017
812.) bluecat - 07/26/2017
Swampy, you got a piece of the pi!
813.) bluecat - 07/26/2017
We need a joke pace car.
814.) Swamp Fox - 07/26/2017
We could call it the "S" car, for "silly" or "shenanigans".
Then if the thread really gets to rocking one day, we can say, "Wow! Look at that S car go!"
Then if the thread really gets to rocking one day, we can say, "Wow! Look at that S car go!"
815.) bluecat - 07/26/2017
+ 3.6
816.) Swamp Fox - 07/26/2017
Wow, what a terrific audience!
LOL---That's pretty high for a slightly tweaked joke from third grade.
LOL---That's pretty high for a slightly tweaked joke from third grade.
817.) Swamp Fox - 07/26/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;50404]LOL! +3.1415926 for that one.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=bluecat;50414]+ 3.6[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=bluecat;50409]Swampy, you got a piece of the pi![/QUOTE]
Finally...I'm movin' on up!
[QUOTE=bluecat;50414]+ 3.6[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=bluecat;50409]Swampy, you got a piece of the pi![/QUOTE]
Finally...I'm movin' on up!
818.) bluecat - 07/26/2017
DP and I are now giving partial credit for showing your work.
819.) Swamp Fox - 07/26/2017
LOL...I should be off the charts, then, for working [I]The Jefferson's[/I] theme song into the thread, and beating you over the head with it with the picture...:grin:
Not that I'm really keeping track of this stuff or anything...LOL
Not that I'm really keeping track of this stuff or anything...LOL
820.) bluecat - 07/26/2017
Your efforts with the Jefferson's are not lost on us. We appreciate your dedication and your creative wit.
:beer:
:beer:
821.) Swamp Fox - 07/26/2017
So I have that going for me, which is nice...
822.) bluecat - 07/26/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;50405][/QUOTE]
"Look at me, I'm borderline obese!"
[/QUOTE]"Look at me, I'm borderline obese!"
823.) bluecat - 07/26/2017
I figured that the 38 guests would appreciate that one. :wink
824.) Swamp Fox - 07/26/2017
Dress sizes go up to 38?
825.) DParker - 07/27/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;50423]Dress sizes go up to 38?[/QUOTE]
Have you [i]seen[/i] some of the land wha....er...pin-up girls that bluecat has posted?
Have you [i]seen[/i] some of the land wha....er...pin-up girls that bluecat has posted?
826.) bluecat - 07/27/2017
Don't make me do it. I'll turn this thread around.
827.) bluecat - 07/27/2017
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine running!"
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine running!"
828.) Swamp Fox - 07/27/2017
Way out in backwoods Nebraska, a man's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. Their son went to fetch the doctor, who arrived just in time.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Amidst a lot of cursing and shrieking, the doctor delivered a health baby boy.
The father was relieved, but the woman still seemed upset and agitated, so the doctor apologized for all the cursing and shrieking.
"No, No!" yelled the woman. "I'm having another one!"
Sure enough, within minutes the doc had delivered another baby.
"Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man! It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor, as a third baby began to appear.
The new father grabbed his chest in bewilderment and yelled, "Do ya reckon they're attracted to the light?!?"
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Amidst a lot of cursing and shrieking, the doctor delivered a health baby boy.
The father was relieved, but the woman still seemed upset and agitated, so the doctor apologized for all the cursing and shrieking.
"No, No!" yelled the woman. "I'm having another one!"
Sure enough, within minutes the doc had delivered another baby.
"Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man! It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor, as a third baby began to appear.
The new father grabbed his chest in bewilderment and yelled, "Do ya reckon they're attracted to the light?!?"
829.) Swamp Fox - 07/28/2017
Since I don't do Facebook, I'm trying to make friends by applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my cats and of me fishing, taking things apart in the garage, sitting on the deck, standing in front of bars, driving around town, having dinner and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me:
Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my cats and of me fishing, taking things apart in the garage, sitting on the deck, standing in front of bars, driving around town, having dinner and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me:
Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
830.) Swamp Fox - 07/31/2017
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “There’s no doubt. The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"
Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “There’s no doubt. The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"
831.) bluecat - 07/31/2017
832.) Swamp Fox - 07/31/2017
LOL!
833.) Swamp Fox - 08/01/2017
:p:p:p:p
834.) Swamp Fox - 08/01/2017
835.) Swamp Fox - 08/02/2017
A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Say, sailor! Want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots that I've taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase... in no time."
"Thank you, Father!" the woman responded. "This may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's residence. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, clutching rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Say, sailor! Want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis---Our prayers have been answered!"
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Say, sailor! Want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots that I've taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase... in no time."
"Thank you, Father!" the woman responded. "This may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's residence. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, clutching rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Say, sailor! Want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis---Our prayers have been answered!"
836.) DParker - 08/02/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;50579]A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Say, sailor! Want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots that I've taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase... in no time."
"Thank you, Father!" the woman responded. "This may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's residence. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, clutching rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Say, sailor! Want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis---Our prayers have been answered!"[/QUOTE]
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Say, sailor! Want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots that I've taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase... in no time."
"Thank you, Father!" the woman responded. "This may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's residence. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, clutching rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Say, sailor! Want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis---Our prayers have been answered!"[/QUOTE]
837.) Swamp Fox - 08/03/2017
Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."
The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.
Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down on the couch, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she snuggled up with him a little and held his hand as they sat there quietly.
After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"
And Merle said, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."
The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.
Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down on the couch, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she snuggled up with him a little and held his hand as they sat there quietly.
After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"
And Merle said, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
838.) Swamp Fox - 08/04/2017
A "Kinder, Gentler System"
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new notebook PC. Instead of producing the cryptic error message characteristic of Microsoft's operating systems, they have chosen a different path.
Sony's president said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been-until now-an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry."
The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:
A file that’s so big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The website you seek
Cannot be located now.
But countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence.
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new notebook PC. Instead of producing the cryptic error message characteristic of Microsoft's operating systems, they have chosen a different path.
Sony's president said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been-until now-an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry."
The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:
A file that’s so big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The website you seek
Cannot be located now.
But countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence.
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
839.) DParker - 08/04/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;50615]A "Kinder, Gentler System"[/QUOTE]
An oooooldie....but still a goody. :p
An oooooldie....but still a goody. :p
840.) Swamp Fox - 08/04/2017
[I]Resurrection[/I]
---by Swamp Fox
A very old joke
On Friday amidst silence.
The forum rises.
---by Swamp Fox
A very old joke
On Friday amidst silence.
The forum rises.
841.) Swamp Fox - 08/07/2017
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled. "This is great!"
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic. "In biology class."
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled. "This is great!"
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic. "In biology class."
842.) bluecat - 08/07/2017
+3 That was a hoot.
843.) Swamp Fox - 08/08/2017
Tommy is a young boy, not long potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him, and after a few weeks she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.
After the examination, the doctor says, "Well, his unit is too small. I'm not sure what we can do, but an old wives' tale says to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
The next morning Tommy jumps out of bed and runs downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.
"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast!"
"I know," says his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
After the examination, the doctor says, "Well, his unit is too small. I'm not sure what we can do, but an old wives' tale says to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
The next morning Tommy jumps out of bed and runs downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.
"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast!"
"I know," says his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
844.) Swamp Fox - 08/09/2017
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away, and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me!" he said, exasperated. He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly flapped around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away, and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me!" he said, exasperated. He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly flapped around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"
845.) DParker - 08/09/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;50735]A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away, and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me!" he said, exasperated. He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly flapped around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"[/QUOTE]
LOL! OK, that's a new one for me.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away, and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me!" he said, exasperated. He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly flapped around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"[/QUOTE]
LOL! OK, that's a new one for me.
846.) bluecat - 08/10/2017
Swampy are you compiling a book? Lol! +2
847.) Swamp Fox - 08/10/2017
I'm taking this thing up to 100 pages or 25,000 views, whichever comes first, and then handing it off to my as-yet-unnamed protege...LOL
848.) Wild Bob - 08/10/2017
This one has been around, and some of you probably know it. Heck it may even already be posted on here...but I'll throw it in the mix anyway:
A professor at the University of Alabama was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your @$$ hole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”
She replied, “Probably hunting with his buddies.”
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom…
A professor at the University of Alabama was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your @$$ hole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”
She replied, “Probably hunting with his buddies.”
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom…
849.) Swamp Fox - 08/10/2017
LOL...
Never gets old.
:-)
Never gets old.
:-)
850.) Swamp Fox - 08/10/2017
851.) Swamp Fox - 08/11/2017
A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after three weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund.
The man asks what the items are for. The zoo keeper tells him, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls."
The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?"
The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla with the bat and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."
The man asks what the items are for. The zoo keeper tells him, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls."
The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?"
The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla with the bat and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."
852.) DParker - 08/12/2017
853.) Swamp Fox - 08/12/2017
LOL...Took me half a second...
854.) Swamp Fox - 08/14/2017
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got hitched.
A few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small diner and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and couldn't control himself, and ordered three extra-large bowls of baked beans to make up for lost time. What the heck, he said: It happened to be his birthday, and he figured he'd treat himself.
All the way home, he "putt-putted." He "putted" down one hill and "putt-putted" up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe, but was crossing his fingers nonetheless.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and [I]rrriiiipppp[/I]! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another poot coming. He shifted his weight again and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner. The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. At one point it was so bad he took to twirling his napkin as furiously as a helicopter blade. When he heard his wife saying goodbye, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!"
And that's when he saw twelve of his friends and neighbors seated around the table for his birthday party.
A few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small diner and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and couldn't control himself, and ordered three extra-large bowls of baked beans to make up for lost time. What the heck, he said: It happened to be his birthday, and he figured he'd treat himself.
All the way home, he "putt-putted." He "putted" down one hill and "putt-putted" up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe, but was crossing his fingers nonetheless.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and [I]rrriiiipppp[/I]! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another poot coming. He shifted his weight again and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner. The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. At one point it was so bad he took to twirling his napkin as furiously as a helicopter blade. When he heard his wife saying goodbye, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!"
And that's when he saw twelve of his friends and neighbors seated around the table for his birthday party.
855.) bluecat - 08/15/2017
[B]Actual Lines from Resumes[/B]
I am very detail-oreinted.
My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
I am sicking and entry-level position.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.
Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.
Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
I am a rabid typist.
Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
Special Skills: Speak English.
Served as assistant sore manager.
Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis
I am very detail-oreinted.
My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
I am sicking and entry-level position.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.
Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.
Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
I am a rabid typist.
Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
Special Skills: Speak English.
Served as assistant sore manager.
Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis
856.) Swamp Fox - 08/15/2017
Ha! That's gold right there. Great find.
857.) DParker - 08/15/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;50849]Special Skills: Speak English.[/QUOTE]
If I were interviewing candidates for a position at a drive-through fast food window that would be an automatic hire.
If I were interviewing candidates for a position at a drive-through fast food window that would be an automatic hire.
858.) Swamp Fox - 08/16/2017
LOL...
This man also deserves a prize:
"I saw your ad on the information [super] highway, and I came to a screeching halt."
This man also deserves a prize:
"I saw your ad on the information [super] highway, and I came to a screeching halt."
859.) Swamp Fox - 08/16/2017
How did the hipster doofus drown?
He was ice skating before it was cool.
He was ice skating before it was cool.
860.) bluecat - 08/16/2017
[B]Cows: With a New Twist[/B]
DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? ......It's not your fault he didn't stay in school. Never-the-less, ultimately you take pity on your neighbor and see that his children have milk, while you encourage him to accept responsibility for his situation and to work hard to acquire his own cows.
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up and takes over how ever many cows you really have.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? ......It's not your fault he didn't stay in school. Never-the-less, ultimately you take pity on your neighbor and see that his children have milk, while you encourage him to accept responsibility for his situation and to work hard to acquire his own cows.
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up and takes over how ever many cows you really have.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
861.) Swamp Fox - 08/16/2017
LOL...I didn't see that coming.
This part is extra-good:
[QUOTE]ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
[/QUOTE]
:-)
This part is extra-good:
[QUOTE]ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
[/QUOTE]
:-)
862.) bluecat - 08/17/2017
A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie.
The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around."
The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.
The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.
Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"
The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around."
The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.
The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.
Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"
863.) Swamp Fox - 08/17/2017
LOL...
864.) bluecat - 08/18/2017
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
865.) Swamp Fox - 08/18/2017
Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks it up. A female genie appears from the bottle as he's wiping sand from it.
"Master, I will grant you one wish!" says the genie with a smile.
"Hey, Bitch... Don't you know who I am?... I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!" barks Rodman.
.
The genie pleads: "But Master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to the bottle forever."
Dennis thinks a moment...Then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he says, "Ok, I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" He gives the genie an evil glare. "Now leave me alone!"
So the genie is annoyed at the rude behavior, but says "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, Rodman wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance....
"Master, I will grant you one wish!" says the genie with a smile.
"Hey, Bitch... Don't you know who I am?... I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!" barks Rodman.
.
The genie pleads: "But Master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to the bottle forever."
Dennis thinks a moment...Then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he says, "Ok, I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" He gives the genie an evil glare. "Now leave me alone!"
So the genie is annoyed at the rude behavior, but says "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, Rodman wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance....
866.) bluecat - 08/18/2017
+3 LOL!
Think of it this way. It could have been a lot worse. It could have been Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein and Opra. He would have woken up without a soul, without a brain and owed taxes on a new car.
Think of it this way. It could have been a lot worse. It could have been Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein and Opra. He would have woken up without a soul, without a brain and owed taxes on a new car.
867.) Swamp Fox - 08/18/2017
I was trying to figure out how he could have all his records missing and his email erased as well, but it seemed a bit much...Also, he narrowly escaped me giving him a hole in the head...:wink...I figured he had enough trouble already.
She's a one-woman walking disaster area...LOL
She's a one-woman walking disaster area...LOL
868.) bluecat - 08/18/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;50969]I was trying to figure out how he could have all his records missing and his email erased as well, but it seemed a bit much...Also, he narrowly escaped me giving him a hole in the head...:wink...I figured he had enough trouble already.
She's a one-woman walking disaster area...LOL[/QUOTE]
It was a brilliant joke and we appreciate your efforts.
She's a one-woman walking disaster area...LOL[/QUOTE]
It was a brilliant joke and we appreciate your efforts.
869.) bluecat - 08/22/2017
A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son sees the shelf of condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex."
The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks, "Why six?"
The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."
The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.
The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."
The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks, "Why six?"
The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."
The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.
The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."
870.) Swamp Fox - 08/22/2017
Sorry I missed posting a joke yesterday. It was very busy around here.
My astro-physicist girlfriend just opened a new restaurant called The Dork Side Of The Moon, and yesterday was the launch party. The food's great, but the place lacks atmosphere.
I tried to be honest with her and point out the gravity of the situation, but this is the one time she takes everything lightly. I've been telling her for days she should have opened a comedy club, and our relationship got rocky when she told me that even if she did, all the jokes would be over my head.
It made me boiling mad, and at night things are very icy. It could be a while before she hears what I'm saying, so I guess I'll just have to cool my jets.
Right now, she's sending mixed signals, and I'm afraid if we can't jettison the negativity and blast off for a weekend getaway, maybe to Houston, we have a problem.
My astro-physicist girlfriend just opened a new restaurant called The Dork Side Of The Moon, and yesterday was the launch party. The food's great, but the place lacks atmosphere.
I tried to be honest with her and point out the gravity of the situation, but this is the one time she takes everything lightly. I've been telling her for days she should have opened a comedy club, and our relationship got rocky when she told me that even if she did, all the jokes would be over my head.
It made me boiling mad, and at night things are very icy. It could be a while before she hears what I'm saying, so I guess I'll just have to cool my jets.
Right now, she's sending mixed signals, and I'm afraid if we can't jettison the negativity and blast off for a weekend getaway, maybe to Houston, we have a problem.
871.) Swamp Fox - 08/22/2017
872.) DParker - 08/22/2017
873.) Swamp Fox - 08/22/2017
LOL!
874.) bluecat - 08/22/2017
875.) Swamp Fox - 08/22/2017
When cartoonists go bad...:-)
+++
Did you hear about the French chef who was fired from the soup kitchen for making white sauces?
He got clabbered in the stock market.
+++
Did you hear about the French chef who was fired from the soup kitchen for making white sauces?
He got clabbered in the stock market.
876.) bluecat - 08/23/2017
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. "
"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino."
"Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do than? Point to your watch and say TIMES UP?"
"But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. "
"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino."
"Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do than? Point to your watch and say TIMES UP?"
877.) Wild Bob - 08/23/2017
I'm off to go camping and fishing over the next week for a last of the summer hoorahh.
878.) Swamp Fox - 08/23/2017
LOL...
That reminds me a little of this golden oldie:
A blonde suspects her husband of cheating on her, so she plots to comes home unexpectedly one day to try to catch him in the act. Sure enough, one afternoon she finds him in the arms of a spectacular redhead. The blonde goes ballistic. She's screaming and crying and pulls a gun from her purse and points it at her head. It's a desperate situation and her husband is freaking out and yells, "Honey, don't do it! We can work things out!"
The blonde yells back, "Shut up, you ******' *******! You're next!"
That reminds me a little of this golden oldie:
A blonde suspects her husband of cheating on her, so she plots to comes home unexpectedly one day to try to catch him in the act. Sure enough, one afternoon she finds him in the arms of a spectacular redhead. The blonde goes ballistic. She's screaming and crying and pulls a gun from her purse and points it at her head. It's a desperate situation and her husband is freaking out and yells, "Honey, don't do it! We can work things out!"
The blonde yells back, "Shut up, you ******' *******! You're next!"
879.) Swamp Fox - 08/23/2017
[QUOTE=Wild Bob;51060]I'm off to go camping and fishing over the next week for a last of the summer hoorahh.[/QUOTE]
Have fun!
Have fun!
880.) Wild Bob - 08/23/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;51062]Have fun![/QUOTE]
Thanks...but that was my joke.
Thanks...but that was my joke.
881.) Swamp Fox - 08/23/2017
Well, look at it this way: The whole operation would probably fall apart if you took a vacation...
Feel better?
:p
Feel better?
:p
882.) Wild Bob - 08/23/2017
Not really, but thanks for the vote of confidence! LOL.
883.) Swamp Fox - 08/24/2017
There once was a very pretty blonde who was getting very tired of blonde jokes.
One day she decided to cut them out of her own life, at least, and get a complete makeover. She cut her hair, dyed it brunette, bought some new clothes and traded in her little red sports car for a small pickup.
She was feeling better already, and decided to go for a nice drive in the country to further clear her head.
While she was out, she thought it would be nice to meet someone new who would appreciate her for her intelligence. When she came upon a pasture full of sheep, she stopped and found the farmer.
"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.
"Well, thank you," said the farmer.
"I have a proposition for you," said the woman, and the farmer got a little excited. But she continued: "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the farmer, disappointed.
So the woman looked the flock over for a moment and then replied: "142."
"Wow!" exclaimed the farmer. "That's exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman looked around and picked one out and put it in her truck.
The farmer thought for moment, and then decided to go for it.
He said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you: If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
One day she decided to cut them out of her own life, at least, and get a complete makeover. She cut her hair, dyed it brunette, bought some new clothes and traded in her little red sports car for a small pickup.
She was feeling better already, and decided to go for a nice drive in the country to further clear her head.
While she was out, she thought it would be nice to meet someone new who would appreciate her for her intelligence. When she came upon a pasture full of sheep, she stopped and found the farmer.
"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.
"Well, thank you," said the farmer.
"I have a proposition for you," said the woman, and the farmer got a little excited. But she continued: "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the farmer, disappointed.
So the woman looked the flock over for a moment and then replied: "142."
"Wow!" exclaimed the farmer. "That's exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman looked around and picked one out and put it in her truck.
The farmer thought for moment, and then decided to go for it.
He said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you: If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
884.) Swamp Fox - 08/25/2017
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:
MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE.
I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OUT OF TREE. I NOT SEE.
NO FEE.
CHEN LEE.
MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE.
I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OUT OF TREE. I NOT SEE.
NO FEE.
CHEN LEE.
885.) bluecat - 08/25/2017
With a name like Chen Lee, he is obviously a racist.
886.) DParker - 08/25/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;51118]With a name like Chen Lee, he is obviously a racist.[/QUOTE]
Obviously.
Obviously.
887.) Swamp Fox - 08/25/2017
A wife suspected her media executive husband was a hypersensitive mentally deficient snowflake, so she hired the famous Civil War general Chen Lee to watch and report any activities while her husband was at work. A few days later, she received this report:
MOST HONORABLE ENCHANTING LADY:
HE LEAVE HOUSE IN CORPORATE LIMO.
I FOLLOW IN '69 DODGE CHARGER NAMED AFTER DELICIOUS POUND CAKE.
NO RELATION, BUT ALSO GENERAL. AND WOMAN, WHICH IS NICE.
LIMO ARRIVE AT BIG GRASS BUILDING. HE GO IN. I FOLLOW.
HE BUY BIG BAG OF GRASS. GET BACK IN LIMO.
LIMO DRIVE TO ESPN BUILDING. I FOLLOW.
HE GO TO TOP FLOOR…
[To be continued…?]
MOST HONORABLE ENCHANTING LADY:
HE LEAVE HOUSE IN CORPORATE LIMO.
I FOLLOW IN '69 DODGE CHARGER NAMED AFTER DELICIOUS POUND CAKE.
NO RELATION, BUT ALSO GENERAL. AND WOMAN, WHICH IS NICE.
LIMO ARRIVE AT BIG GRASS BUILDING. HE GO IN. I FOLLOW.
HE BUY BIG BAG OF GRASS. GET BACK IN LIMO.
LIMO DRIVE TO ESPN BUILDING. I FOLLOW.
HE GO TO TOP FLOOR…
[To be continued…?]
888.) DParker - 08/25/2017
I give you the ultimate southern racist....Sheila [B][COLOR="#FF0000"]Jackson[/COLOR] [COLOR="#0000FF"]Lee[/COLOR][/B].
On behalf of TX, I apologize.
On behalf of TX, I apologize.
889.) Swamp Fox - 08/25/2017
LOL...
Plus she's named Sheila, from the Irish, famous discriminators against the English, and a popular term for a young woman in Australia, a country notorious for discriminating against aboriginals and nomadic wanderers from Asia.
So really, she should just resign.
Plus she's named Sheila, from the Irish, famous discriminators against the English, and a popular term for a young woman in Australia, a country notorious for discriminating against aboriginals and nomadic wanderers from Asia.
So really, she should just resign.
890.) Swamp Fox - 08/25/2017
[B]THE ULTIMATE ETHNIC JOKE[/B]
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, aHungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans . . .
. . . walk into a very fine restaurant.
.
.
.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai. "
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, aHungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans . . .
. . . walk into a very fine restaurant.
.
.
.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai. "
891.) bluecat - 08/25/2017
Well I'll be...lol!
892.) bluecat - 08/25/2017
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle.
893.) Swamp Fox - 08/25/2017
:-).....
894.) bluecat - 08/28/2017
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
895.) Swamp Fox - 08/28/2017
896.) Swamp Fox - 08/29/2017
897.) bluecat - 08/29/2017
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
898.) Swamp Fox - 08/29/2017
LOL...
899.) bluecat - 08/29/2017
[B]Engineering Phrases (And what they really mean)[/B]
Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)
Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)
The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)
We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)
Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)
Years of development. (It finally worked.)
Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)
We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)
We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)
We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)
Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)
Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)
Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)
No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)
Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)
All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)
Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)
Robust. (More than rugged.)
Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)
Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)
Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)
The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)
We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)
Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)
Years of development. (It finally worked.)
Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)
We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)
We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)
We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)
Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)
Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)
Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)
No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)
Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)
All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)
Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)
Robust. (More than rugged.)
Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)
Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
900.) Swamp Fox - 08/30/2017
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
The bird started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" Stuff like that.
The magician was furious but since it was the captain's parrot, there was nothing he could do.
Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other, but said nothing.
Finally, after a week, the parrot said, "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
The bird started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" Stuff like that.
The magician was furious but since it was the captain's parrot, there was nothing he could do.
Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other, but said nothing.
Finally, after a week, the parrot said, "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
901.) bluecat - 08/30/2017
A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven.
St. Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."
Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."
St. Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."
Next a group of mice appeared.
St. Peter: "Ah, I remember you! You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."
The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate. It was beautiful and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"
St. Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."
Next day, St. Peter is making rounds inside the Gates and sees the cat.
"Well, Cat...did you enjoy the satin pillow?"
Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say....that "Meals-on-Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"
St. Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."
Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."
St. Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."
Next a group of mice appeared.
St. Peter: "Ah, I remember you! You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."
The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate. It was beautiful and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"
St. Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."
Next day, St. Peter is making rounds inside the Gates and sees the cat.
"Well, Cat...did you enjoy the satin pillow?"
Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say....that "Meals-on-Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"
902.) bluecat - 08/31/2017
[B]The Irish Virgin[/B]
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
903.) Swamp Fox - 08/31/2017
:-)....
904.) Swamp Fox - 08/31/2017
You know what third-wave feminists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
Their personalities.
905.) bluecat - 08/31/2017
+ 2 :grin:
906.) DParker - 08/31/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;51261]You know what third-wave feminists use for birth control?
Their personalities.[/QUOTE]
Their personalities.[/QUOTE]
907.) Swamp Fox - 08/31/2017
LOL...I'm getting a headache just listening to that.
(See, it works.)
(See, it works.)
908.) bluecat - 08/31/2017
So much anger. Do you think this all stems from not having anyone ask her to the high school dance?
909.) DParker - 08/31/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;51266]So much anger. Do you think this all stems from not having anyone ask her to the high school dance?[/QUOTE]
I don't know. If you undid the phony red hair I'm betting she'd have a real naughty librarian thing going.
I don't know. If you undid the phony red hair I'm betting she'd have a real naughty librarian thing going.
910.) Swamp Fox - 08/31/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;51266]So much anger. Do you think this all stems from not having anyone ask her to the high school dance?[/QUOTE]
I don't know what caused it, but becoming a meme can't have helped anything...LOL
Especially if she's one of the truly and perpetually triggered, who interpret mockery as evidence of the patriarchy, which invites more mockery, which...
See? She just can't win...And there's not enough tinfoil.
I don't know what caused it, but becoming a meme can't have helped anything...LOL
Especially if she's one of the truly and perpetually triggered, who interpret mockery as evidence of the patriarchy, which invites more mockery, which...
See? She just can't win...And there's not enough tinfoil.
911.) bluecat - 08/31/2017
I'm kinda liking what DP said. You're there late working on a paper and completely frustrated. You go up to the counter for some help where she is by herself. She says "just a minute" and proceeds to shut down the library except for a dim bulb by her desk. She lowers her glasses and a quick flip of her hair creates a tousled 'devil may care' look. You notice the top two buttons on her white blouse are undone...
I better stop there.
Patriarchy => Who's your daddy
I better stop there.
Patriarchy => Who's your daddy
912.) Swamp Fox - 08/31/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;51267]I don't know. If you undid the phony red hair I'm betting she'd have a real naughty librarian thing going.[/QUOTE]
LOL...+4
:applause:
Have decided I cannot follow that...and I tried.
Troll Level: Expert
LOL...+4
:applause:
Have decided I cannot follow that...and I tried.
Troll Level: Expert
913.) DParker - 08/31/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;51269]I'm kinda liking what DP said. You're there late working on a paper and completely frustrated. You go up to the counter for some help where she is by herself. She says "just a minute" and proceeds to shut down the library except for a dim bulb by her desk. She lowers her glasses and a quick flip of her hair creates a tousled 'devil may care' look. You notice the top two buttons on her white blouse are undone...
I better stop there.
Patriarchy => Who's your daddy[/QUOTE]
"You're overdue, Mister."
Dear Penthouse.....
I better stop there.
Patriarchy => Who's your daddy[/QUOTE]
"You're overdue, Mister."
Dear Penthouse.....
914.) Swamp Fox - 09/01/2017
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?"
"Yep...three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?"
"Yep...three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
915.) Swamp Fox - 09/05/2017
The owner of a feed lot in Nebraska was confused about an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some help with the math.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Nebraska, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Nebraska, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
916.) Swamp Fox - 09/07/2017
Upon the death of King Arthur and his subsequent rejection by Guinevere, Sir Lancelot left the Round Table, gathered his fortune and started a women's sleepwear company.
Henceforth he was known as the Nightie Knight.
Henceforth he was known as the Nightie Knight.
917.) Swamp Fox - 09/07/2017
Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.
They're pretty hungry, so they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED."
The man with the doberman says, "I know what to do. Just follow my lead."
He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.
The waiter tells him, "I'm sorry, sir. We don't allow dogs here."
The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."
"A doberman for a guide dog?" the waiter asks skeptically.
"Oh, yes," the man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job."
The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.
The second man sees how well this works, so he throws on his sunglasses and walks in.
The waiter tells him, "I'm sorry sir. We don't allow dogs here."
The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."
"A chihuahua for a guide dog?" the waiter asks.
"A chihuahua?!" the man cries. "They gave me a chihuahua?!"
They're pretty hungry, so they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED."
The man with the doberman says, "I know what to do. Just follow my lead."
He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.
The waiter tells him, "I'm sorry, sir. We don't allow dogs here."
The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."
"A doberman for a guide dog?" the waiter asks skeptically.
"Oh, yes," the man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job."
The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.
The second man sees how well this works, so he throws on his sunglasses and walks in.
The waiter tells him, "I'm sorry sir. We don't allow dogs here."
The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."
"A chihuahua for a guide dog?" the waiter asks.
"A chihuahua?!" the man cries. "They gave me a chihuahua?!"
918.) bluecat - 09/07/2017
One chuckle, and two guffaws.
919.) DParker - 09/07/2017
+3...
920.) bluecat - 09/07/2017
A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
"Mary... Mary...."
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again. "
"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
"Mary... Mary...."
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again. "
"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
921.) DParker - 09/07/2017
922.) Swamp Fox - 09/07/2017
LOL...
923.) JGB Ohio - 09/08/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;51431]A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
"Mary... Mary...."
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again. "
"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."[/QUOTE]
Oh...thats good!
"Mary... Mary...."
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again. "
"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."[/QUOTE]
Oh...thats good!
924.) bluecat - 09/08/2017
What category is this?
925.) Swamp Fox - 09/08/2017
LOL ...
Stupid dog .... LOL
Stupid dog .... LOL
926.) DParker - 09/08/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;51446]
What category is this?[/QUOTE]
The same category as this...
[video=youtube;1KIKrSG-Xzc]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KIKrSG-Xzc&feature=youtu.be[/video]
What category is this?[/QUOTE]
The same category as this...
[video=youtube;1KIKrSG-Xzc]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KIKrSG-Xzc&feature=youtu.be[/video]
927.) Swamp Fox - 09/08/2017
LMAO!
928.) Swamp Fox - 09/11/2017
929.) bluecat - 09/11/2017
LOL! + 3
930.) Swamp Fox - 09/11/2017
The whole thread is a hoot, when you have time:
Looking for a wife in 1865 pic.twitter.com/5YWWag7isA
— Max Roser (@MaxCRoser) June 19, 2017
931.) Swamp Fox - 09/12/2017
What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes?
He should get a No-Bell prize.
He should get a No-Bell prize.
932.) bluecat - 09/12/2017
1 snicker and 1 muffled hoot
933.) bluecat - 09/12/2017
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway.
A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim.
Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim.
Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
934.) Swamp Fox - 09/12/2017
And what did the chicken who crossed the road get?
The Pullet Surprise ...
The Pullet Surprise ...
935.) DParker - 09/12/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;51514]And what did the chicken who crossed the road get?
The Pullet Surprise ...[/QUOTE]
The Pullet Surprise ...[/QUOTE]
936.) Swamp Fox - 09/12/2017
"Oi've been 'oldin' on to that one for a while..."
The opportunities to squeeze in a chicken pun 'round 'ere are scarce as ... Well, you know ...
The opportunities to squeeze in a chicken pun 'round 'ere are scarce as ... Well, you know ...
937.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.
The judge looks down at her from the bench and asks, "First offender?"
And the woman says, "No, your Honor. First a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."
The judge looks down at her from the bench and asks, "First offender?"
And the woman says, "No, your Honor. First a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."
938.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
That ended on a sour note.
939.) DParker - 09/14/2017
Sounds like she was stringing him along.
940.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
She almost broke his neck...
941.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
He is probably playing a different tune.
942.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
They no longer live in a harmonious marriage.
943.) DParker - 09/14/2017
He clearly made a bad pick.
944.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
They would have made music if she had worn her g-string.
945.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
You could say she was a bit high-strung...
946.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
Their anniversary was coming up. Until this happened, he was going to give her a delicious bass ...
947.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
"Don't fret it" he called out as he was being pummeled.
948.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
Guitar players are notorious for getting into fights. Police have learned to break them up using percussion grenades.
949.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
Police had never seen violence to this scale.
950.) DParker - 09/14/2017
I'd say the weapon of choice was instrumental to the crime.
951.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
He must have struck a bad chord with her somewhere along the line.
952.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
The guy admits that buying Lil Wayne's guitar with the rent money was a bridge too far ...
953.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;51579]Police had never seen v̶i̶o̶l̶e̶n̶c̶e̶ [COLOR="#FF0000"]violins[/COLOR] on this scale.[/QUOTE]
Fixed it for you ...:-)
Fixed it for you ...:-)
954.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
When she finally found him hiding and curled up in a ball she said "Viola".
955.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;51584]Fixed it for you ...:-)[/QUOTE]
duly noted...
duly noted...
956.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
LOL...+4 ...
957.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;51586]When she finally found him hiding and curled up in a ball she said "Viola".[/QUOTE]
LOL... +4
LOL... +4
958.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;51589]duly noted...[/QUOTE]
Took me a second...+3
Took me a second...+3
959.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
Witnesses to the beating recounted a rythmic refrain coming from the wife, "a one and a two and a one and a two...".
960.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
Neighbors noted that the man, a former Marine, had recently been strummed out of the Corps, but they admired his pluck in the face of his wife's shredding.
961.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
The man was visibly shaken after the beat-down but then began to compose himself.
962.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
When asked if he could see getting back together with his wife eventually, he said he'd have to play it by ear.
963.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
+ 3 :hb:
964.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
His wife, however, was confident that they could come to an arrangement.
965.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
She was known for beating up guys with musical instruments. It was her signature.
966.) DParker - 09/14/2017
This thread sent me looking for some Spanish (flamenco) guitar music....just because I really dig flamenco guitar. Allow me to provide a brief pun intermission with one of the results:
[video=youtube;359Bxg4Tp1w]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=359Bxg4Tp1w[/video]
[video=youtube;359Bxg4Tp1w]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=359Bxg4Tp1w[/video]
967.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
I like how you slide a musical interlude into the joke thread...
But we'll be back to puns after an interval...
But we'll be back to puns after an interval...
968.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
The poor guy that got beaten up would like a relationship with no strings attached.
His wife might be open to that, but secretly she intends to strangle him later with a power chord.
His wife might be open to that, but secretly she intends to strangle him later with a power chord.
969.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
Flamenco guitar, now that takes guts...
970.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
LOL... +3
Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out how to get a flamingo joke out of it. :groan:
Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out how to get a flamingo joke out of it. :groan:
971.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
With his collection destroyed, the guy is looking for a new girlfriend who can share his other hobby.
No need for her to tune a guitar, but it would be great if she could tuna fish.
No need for her to tune a guitar, but it would be great if she could tuna fish.
972.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
At least she wasn't a big fat lyre...
973.) DParker - 09/14/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;51603]Flamenco guitar, now that takes guts...[/QUOTE]
Yeah, I was going to say something about how impressed I was that he put the chalupas down long enough to learn how to do that...but I'm not really in a position to ridicule.
Yeah, I was going to say something about how impressed I was that he put the chalupas down long enough to learn how to do that...but I'm not really in a position to ridicule.
974.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;51606]At least she wasn't a big fat lyre...[/QUOTE]
You're on fyre! This thread must really resonate with you.
You're on fyre! This thread must really resonate with you.
975.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;51605]With his collection destroyed, the guy is looking for a new girlfriend who can share his other hobby.
No need for her to tune a guitar, but it would be great if she could tuna fish.[/QUOTE]
Do you eat a tuna fish with a tuning fork?
No need for her to tune a guitar, but it would be great if she could tuna fish.[/QUOTE]
Do you eat a tuna fish with a tuning fork?
976.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
Initially she was just gonna hit him with the electric guitars but then she spied the Martin and decided to spruce it up a bit.
977.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
Where are you fellow punners, cat gut your tongue?
978.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
They're taking a break ...
979.) bluecat - 09/14/2017
You mean a rest...?
980.) DParker - 09/14/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;51617]You mean a rest...?[/QUOTE]
They'd better, or else there'll be treble.
They'd better, or else there'll be treble.
981.) Swamp Fox - 09/14/2017
Relax...There's no need for anyone to throw themselves off a cleff...
982.) bluecat - 09/15/2017
They won't fall flat. They are very sharp.
983.) bluecat - 09/15/2017
:-)
984.) bluecat - 09/15/2017
"Of course not honey." LMFAO
985.) bluecat - 09/15/2017
One in the chamber...
Woman found concealing gun during vaginal search at jail
After Amika Witt was taken to the McLean County jail, a female CO found a loaded handgun inside the suspect's body
[url]https://www.policeone.com/bizarre/articles/418410006-Woman-found-concealing-gun-during-vaginal-search-at-jail/[/url]
Woman found concealing gun during vaginal search at jail
After Amika Witt was taken to the McLean County jail, a female CO found a loaded handgun inside the suspect's body
[url]https://www.policeone.com/bizarre/articles/418410006-Woman-found-concealing-gun-during-vaginal-search-at-jail/[/url]
986.) bluecat - 09/15/2017
When insurance investigators were contacted about the assault to assess the monetary implications, the man said the guitars were purchased for a song.
987.) bluecat - 09/15/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;51602]The poor guy that got beaten up would like a relationship with no strings attached.
His wife might be open to that, but secretly she intends to strangle him later with a power chord.[/QUOTE]
+ 3 Took a while but I found it.
His wife might be open to that, but secretly she intends to strangle him later with a power chord.[/QUOTE]
+ 3 Took a while but I found it.
988.) bluecat - 09/15/2017
The cops who responded and have responded multiple times to the couple and their domestic incidents could be heard muttering, "Second verse same as the first."
989.) JGB Ohio - 09/19/2017
How to deal with a frequent trespasser.
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7pCILPInb4[/url]
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7pCILPInb4[/url]
990.) bluecat - 09/19/2017
991.) JGB Ohio - 09/19/2017
Oh, the joys of aging.
992.) bluecat - 09/19/2017
JGB, the video you sent was intriguing. If I was shot by paint, I wouldn't stop to clean off. I'd be out of there. I would look around to find the source too. If I was hit once, I could be hit again. The whole video is puzzling.
993.) DParker - 09/19/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;51731]JGB, the video you sent was intriguing. If I was shot by paint, I wouldn't stop to clean off. I'd be out of there. I would look around to find the source too. If I was hit once, I could be hit again. The whole video is puzzling.[/QUOTE]
I'm guessing that habitual trespassers tend to not come from the rocket surgeon end of the gene pool. In any event, that seems like it was a missed opportunity to try these out: [URL="https://www.amazon.com/Rap4-Lethal-Pepper-Filled-Balls/dp/B0046VIIHQ"]Rap4 Less Lethal Pepper Filled Balls[/URL]
I'm guessing that habitual trespassers tend to not come from the rocket surgeon end of the gene pool. In any event, that seems like it was a missed opportunity to try these out: [URL="https://www.amazon.com/Rap4-Lethal-Pepper-Filled-Balls/dp/B0046VIIHQ"]Rap4 Less Lethal Pepper Filled Balls[/URL]
994.) Swamp Fox - 09/19/2017
LOL...Both good posts ...
The guy sure isn't in a hurry to get off the property, is he? Just another minor inconvenience in the day of a crusty old fart. Wipe off and move on. :wink If I remember, both he and the property owner got citations which went away if they kept their noses clean for some period of time.
I'll put this here for lack of a better place, and since we're on the subject. It does have some good laughs. Public land, Minnesooota. There's a fourth video in the series which hasn't been completed yet if I read the comments correctly. Sounds like maybe this ended up in court and we're waiting for the final edits .... LOL ...:pop:
Check out videos One and Three if you have time. I only skimmed Three. It probably has some gold. But I thought this one was the most entertaining if I had to choose quickly. :wink
The guy sure isn't in a hurry to get off the property, is he? Just another minor inconvenience in the day of a crusty old fart. Wipe off and move on. :wink If I remember, both he and the property owner got citations which went away if they kept their noses clean for some period of time.
I'll put this here for lack of a better place, and since we're on the subject. It does have some good laughs. Public land, Minnesooota. There's a fourth video in the series which hasn't been completed yet if I read the comments correctly. Sounds like maybe this ended up in court and we're waiting for the final edits .... LOL ...:pop:
Check out videos One and Three if you have time. I only skimmed Three. It probably has some gold. But I thought this one was the most entertaining if I had to choose quickly. :wink
995.) Swamp Fox - 09/19/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;51732]I'm guessing that habitual trespassers tend to not come from the rocket surgeon end of the gene pool. In any event, that seems like it was a missed opportunity to try these out: [URL="https://www.amazon.com/Rap4-Lethal-Pepper-Filled-Balls/dp/B0046VIIHQ"]Rap4 Less Lethal Pepper Filled Balls[/URL][/QUOTE]
Now with soothing music:
Now with soothing music:
996.) bluecat - 09/19/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;51732]I'm guessing that habitual trespassers tend to not come from the rocket surgeon end of the gene pool. In any event, that seems like it was a missed opportunity to try these out: [URL="https://www.amazon.com/Rap4-Lethal-Pepper-Filled-Balls/dp/B0046VIIHQ"]Rap4 Less Lethal Pepper Filled Balls[/URL][/QUOTE]
I'm not a paint baller but I figured that's what he got hit with. Seemed like a lot of paint though for a paintball.
I'm not a paint baller but I figured that's what he got hit with. Seemed like a lot of paint though for a paintball.
997.) bluecat - 09/19/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;51734]Now with soothing music:
[/QUOTE]
"Down goes Frazier, Down goes Frazier". LOL! Music was a nice touch.
[/QUOTE]
"Down goes Frazier, Down goes Frazier". LOL! Music was a nice touch.
998.) Swamp Fox - 09/19/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;51735]I'm not a paint baller but I figured that's what he got hit with. Seemed like a lot of paint though for a paintball.[/QUOTE]
It was something rigged to an airbag device. I think you can see the paint container (a bag of some type?) swinging in the video after it explodes.
It was something rigged to an airbag device. I think you can see the paint container (a bag of some type?) swinging in the video after it explodes.
999.) bluecat - 09/19/2017
Ah, I did see that and wondered what it was. That would explain why he didn't get out of there then.
1000.) Swamp Fox - 09/19/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;51733]
Check out videos One and Three if you have time. I only skimmed Three. It probably has some gold. But I thought this one was the most entertaining if I had to choose quickly. :wink
[/QUOTE]
I think this gets mentioned in the video above, but the reasoning of the guys on camera as they're trying to sort out their problems is "First come, first served. We've been here since '59."
No lie. That's an actual quote from Video One. Catch it here, starting at 8:15: -----LMAO
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSBPsMCmMJA[/url]
Check out videos One and Three if you have time. I only skimmed Three. It probably has some gold. But I thought this one was the most entertaining if I had to choose quickly. :wink
[/QUOTE]
I think this gets mentioned in the video above, but the reasoning of the guys on camera as they're trying to sort out their problems is "First come, first served. We've been here since '59."
No lie. That's an actual quote from Video One. Catch it here, starting at 8:15: -----LMAO
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSBPsMCmMJA[/url]
1001.) DParker - 09/19/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;51735]I'm not a paint baller but I figured that's what he got hit with. Seemed like a lot of paint though for a paintball.[/QUOTE]
If he'd been hit with a shot of pepper spray he'd have been doing a lot of wiping of his face and eyes, even with the glasses...not to mention issuing a liberal dose of profanities, I would think. Wiping down his rifle barrel would have been the last of his concerns.
If he'd been hit with a shot of pepper spray he'd have been doing a lot of wiping of his face and eyes, even with the glasses...not to mention issuing a liberal dose of profanities, I would think. Wiping down his rifle barrel would have been the last of his concerns.
1002.) DParker - 09/19/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;51739]I think this gets mentioned in the video above, but the reasoning of the guys on camera as they're trying to sort out their problems is "First come, first served. We've been here since '59."
No lie. That's an actual quote from Video One. Catch it here, starting at 8:15: -----LMAO
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSBPsMCmMJA[/url][/QUOTE]
Like dumbass father like dumbass son. Yet another data point in support of the hypothesis that there's a genetic component to being an ignorant douchebag with an entitlement mentality.
No lie. That's an actual quote from Video One. Catch it here, starting at 8:15: -----LMAO
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSBPsMCmMJA[/url][/QUOTE]
Like dumbass father like dumbass son. Yet another data point in support of the hypothesis that there's a genetic component to being an ignorant douchebag with an entitlement mentality.
1003.) Swamp Fox - 09/19/2017
[QUOTE]Cameraman: [I]...'Cause you cut down my stand ... That's destruction of property.[/I]
Old Coot: [I]Ach![/I]...[/QUOTE]
LOL ...
One of my favorite parts of the series is where the old guy argues that tearing down the ladder was no big deal (he claims his clan didn't do it) because he saw the other hunter manage to get in the stand without it ... :ek:
Old Coot: [I]Ach![/I]...[/QUOTE]
LOL ...
One of my favorite parts of the series is where the old guy argues that tearing down the ladder was no big deal (he claims his clan didn't do it) because he saw the other hunter manage to get in the stand without it ... :ek:
1004.) JGB Ohio - 09/19/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;51742]LOL ...
One of my favorite parts of the series is where the old guy argues that tearing down the ladder was no big deal (he claims his clan didn't do it) because he saw the other hunter manage to get in the stand without it ... :ek:[/QUOTE]
This whole thing is infuriating to watch. Entitlement culture knows no age limits.
One of my favorite parts of the series is where the old guy argues that tearing down the ladder was no big deal (he claims his clan didn't do it) because he saw the other hunter manage to get in the stand without it ... :ek:[/QUOTE]
This whole thing is infuriating to watch. Entitlement culture knows no age limits.
1005.) Swamp Fox - 09/19/2017
You, sir, win some sort of prize ... You have gotten us to 100 pages for this thread, which I think is some kind of HuntingCountry record!
:ach:
:ach:
1006.) JGB Ohio - 09/19/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;51744]You, sir, win some sort of prize ... You have gotten us to 100 pages for this thread, which I think is some kind of HuntingCountry record!
:ach:[/QUOTE]
Its easier to get my wife to give me some lovin than it is to get a conversation going here....and thats not an invite for you to try and sweet talk my old lady!
:ach:[/QUOTE]
Its easier to get my wife to give me some lovin than it is to get a conversation going here....and thats not an invite for you to try and sweet talk my old lady!
1007.) DParker - 09/19/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;51744]You have gotten us to 100 pages for this thread[/QUOTE]
Not for those of us who have our forums settings configured to display 30 posts / page. What about us? Huh?! :tap:
Not for those of us who have our forums settings configured to display 30 posts / page. What about us? Huh?! :tap:
1008.) Swamp Fox - 09/19/2017
I was hoping for a minor victory for the forum ... Thanks a lot, pal!
1009.) DParker - 09/19/2017
Well...what else was I gonna' do with this monkey wrench?
1010.) Swamp Fox - 09/19/2017
[I]Always with the negative waves![/I]
:-)
:-)
1011.) Swamp Fox - 09/21/2017
The Texas Department of Safety is cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas. For the first offense, they give you two Dallas Cowboys tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ!"
Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys
Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.
Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A. Old
Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody remembers.
Q. What do the Cowboys and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ!"
Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys
Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.
Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A. Old
Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody remembers.
Q. What do the Cowboys and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
1012.) bluecat - 09/21/2017
Damn! +5 :laugh:
1013.) DParker - 09/21/2017
I'm gonna' sit this one out. (I may or may not have chuckled once or twice.)
1014.) Swamp Fox - 09/22/2017
By not participating, DP achieves the milestone 1000th post ... See how that works, boys and girls? There is hope for all of you, after all.
Alex, tell him what he's won ...
Alex, tell him what he's won ...
1015.) bluecat - 09/22/2017
Pretty clever of him wasn't it?!
1016.) Swamp Fox - 09/22/2017
Kim Jong Un called President Donald Trump with an emergency. "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the North Korean dictator cried. "It's my people's favorite form of population control, besides the starvation.This is a true disaster!"
"Kimmy, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help the North Korean people," replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Kim. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why, certaintly! I'll get right on it," said Trump.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Kim.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color, and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" asked Kim.
"No problem," replied the President.
The top Nork hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.
Trump got off the phone and right back on. He called one of his friends, the president of a condom company. "I need a favor. You've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to North Korea."
"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.
"Great! Now listen: They have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easy. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said Trump. "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE: SMALL' on each one."
"Kimmy, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help the North Korean people," replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Kim. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why, certaintly! I'll get right on it," said Trump.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Kim.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color, and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" asked Kim.
"No problem," replied the President.
The top Nork hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.
Trump got off the phone and right back on. He called one of his friends, the president of a condom company. "I need a favor. You've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to North Korea."
"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.
"Great! Now listen: They have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easy. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said Trump. "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE: SMALL' on each one."
1017.) bluecat - 09/22/2017
2 snickers, 1 guffaw, 3 1/2 chortles and a muffled giggle.
1018.) DParker - 09/22/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;51832]By not participating, DP achieves the milestone 1000th post ... See how that works, boys and girls? There is hope for all of you, after all.
Alex, tell him what he's won ...[/QUOTE]
Alex, tell him what he's won ...[/QUOTE]
1019.) Swamp Fox - 09/26/2017
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why shouldn't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
It might be your bicycle.
1020.) Swamp Fox - 09/27/2017
Diogenes began his fabled quest simply looking for an honest lawyer.
"How's it going?" asked one curious citizen.
"Not too bad," answered Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
"How's it going?" asked one curious citizen.
"Not too bad," answered Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
1021.) bluecat - 09/27/2017
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
1022.) Swamp Fox - 09/27/2017
LOL ...
Do you know why so many lawyers have broken noses?
Parked ambulances.
Do you know why so many lawyers have broken noses?
Parked ambulances.
1023.) JGB Ohio - 09/28/2017
Anyone had this experience. I had a button buck at our KY farm do it for two years straight we named him Buster. I think one of the neighbors finally shot him. I've got one now at my Ohio spot that is a 6 point. I can bang a bucket or snap a twig and he comes right up. It's actually maddening!
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FosvvvJA8kY[/url]
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FosvvvJA8kY[/url]
1024.) Swamp Fox - 09/28/2017
I expect these are deer that were hand-fed at some point. Owners tried to let them go after they became self-sufficient/too big/not as interesting. Had an acquaintance who wound up with a young fawn for a while. He got wildlife/wildlife rehab people involved pretty fast in hopes it wouldn't become tame, but it wasn't immediate. My impression is that the relocation was done quite some distance away.
1025.) Swamp Fox - 10/03/2017
One Friday morning, in an effort to encourage her students to pay attention and participate, a teacher announces to her class that whoever answers the day's history and civics questions correctly can leave early and skip school on Monday.
The kids are excited. First question: "Who was the first President of the United States?"
Silence. The kids look like a herd of cows in a field. No one raises his hand except the Japanese exchange student. "George Washington," says the Japanese student when called upon.
The teacher says, "Very good. You may go home," but the boy replies, "No thank you, Teacher. We Japanese value education, so I'd like to stay, and I'll also come in on Monday."
From the back of the room, someone says rather loudly, "Screw the Japanese!"
"Who said that!?" demands the angry teacher.
Little Johnny stands up from his desk.
"Harry Truman, Teach. See you suckers Tuesday!"
The kids are excited. First question: "Who was the first President of the United States?"
Silence. The kids look like a herd of cows in a field. No one raises his hand except the Japanese exchange student. "George Washington," says the Japanese student when called upon.
The teacher says, "Very good. You may go home," but the boy replies, "No thank you, Teacher. We Japanese value education, so I'd like to stay, and I'll also come in on Monday."
From the back of the room, someone says rather loudly, "Screw the Japanese!"
"Who said that!?" demands the angry teacher.
Little Johnny stands up from his desk.
"Harry Truman, Teach. See you suckers Tuesday!"
1026.) Swamp Fox - 10/04/2017
A German goes on vacation to France.
He gets to the passport desk and the woman asks, "Occupation?"
And the man replies, "No, just visiting."
He gets to the passport desk and the woman asks, "Occupation?"
And the man replies, "No, just visiting."
1027.) bluecat - 10/04/2017
1028.) bluecat - 10/04/2017
1029.) bluecat - 10/04/2017
1030.) bluecat - 10/04/2017
1031.) Swamp Fox - 10/04/2017
LOL ...
That statue's gonna trigger someone.
That statue's gonna trigger someone.
1032.) JGB Ohio - 10/04/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;52082]LOL ...
That statue's gonna trigger someone.[/QUOTE]
Well, allow me to retort
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uX1Q3YyzsBA[/url]
That statue's gonna trigger someone.[/QUOTE]
Well, allow me to retort
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uX1Q3YyzsBA[/url]
1033.) Jon - 10/13/2017
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
1034.) Swamp Fox - 10/13/2017
:-) ...
1035.) Swamp Fox - 10/19/2017
Rob Ryan looks like Gandalf went undercover to bust a cocaine smuggling ring in Miami in 1986. pic.twitter.com/8nMI4w2Gm5
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) October 19, 2017
1036.) bluecat - 10/19/2017
OMG, what the...
1037.) DParker - 10/19/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;52489]
[/QUOTE]
I don't care who you are, that's funny right there.
Rob Ryan looks like Gandalf went undercover to bust a cocaine smuggling ring in Miami in 1986. pic.twitter.com/8nMI4w2Gm5
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) October 19, 2017
[/QUOTE]
I don't care who you are, that's funny right there.
1038.) Swamp Fox - 10/19/2017
...after discovering Domino's delivers.
1039.) bluecat - 10/19/2017
Where's the water squirting flower?
1040.) bluecat - 10/19/2017
Halloween is just around the corner.
1041.) Swamp Fox - 10/19/2017
:-).....
Scared me!
Scared me!
1042.) Swamp Fox - 10/19/2017
Why does Hillary's team ride in an SUV?
:cf:
No room for them on her broomstick.
:cf:
No room for them on her broomstick.
1043.) DParker - 10/19/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;52500]
Halloween is just around the corner.[/QUOTE]
[video=youtube;ZTPfOIsWF5g]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTPfOIsWF5g[/video]
Halloween is just around the corner.[/QUOTE]
[video=youtube;ZTPfOIsWF5g]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTPfOIsWF5g[/video]
1044.) Swamp Fox - 10/19/2017
+2 :grin:
1045.) bluecat - 10/19/2017
1046.) DParker - 10/19/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;52505]
[/QUOTE]
Nice recovery. This is how I want to die:
Nice recovery. This is how I want to die:
1047.) bluecat - 10/19/2017
Being scolded by a woman or asphyxiated by her bosoms?
1048.) bluecat - 10/19/2017
Is that Rick Pitino?
1049.) bluecat - 10/19/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;52502]Why does Hillary's team ride in an SUV?
:cf:
[/QUOTE]
Because Bill has the Van?
:cf:
[/QUOTE]
Because Bill has the Van?
1050.) Swamp Fox - 10/19/2017
Tequila!
:grin:
:grin:
1051.) DParker - 10/19/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;52507]Being scolded by a woman or asphyxiated by her bosoms?[/QUOTE]
Yes.
Yes.
1052.) bluecat - 10/19/2017
...and yes I had to do a spell check on 'asphyxiated'.
1053.) DParker - 10/19/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;52509]Because Bill has the Van?[/QUOTE]
1054.) Swamp Fox - 10/19/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;52509]Because Bill has the Van?[/QUOTE]
+3...
+3...
1055.) bluecat - 10/19/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;52489]
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=DParker;52497]I don't care who you are, that's funny right there.[/QUOTE]
I know right? Because everyone knows that mock turtlenecks and sportcoats are so out right now. Jeez.
Rob Ryan looks like Gandalf went undercover to bust a cocaine smuggling ring in Miami in 1986. pic.twitter.com/8nMI4w2Gm5
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) October 19, 2017
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=DParker;52497]I don't care who you are, that's funny right there.[/QUOTE]
I know right? Because everyone knows that mock turtlenecks and sportcoats are so out right now. Jeez.
1056.) bluecat - 10/19/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;52511]Yes.[/QUOTE]
+3 :-)
+3 :-)
1057.) Swamp Fox - 10/19/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;52507]Being scolded by a woman or asphyxiated by her bosoms?[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=DParker;52511]Yes.[/QUOTE]
At this rate, it might soon be mandatory ...
[QUOTE=DParker;52511]Yes.[/QUOTE]
At this rate, it might soon be mandatory ...
1058.) bluecat - 10/20/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;52489]
[/QUOTE]
I know his kids are so proud.
Rob Ryan looks like Gandalf went undercover to bust a cocaine smuggling ring in Miami in 1986. pic.twitter.com/8nMI4w2Gm5
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) October 19, 2017
[/QUOTE]
I know his kids are so proud.
1059.) bluecat - 10/25/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;52500]
Halloween is just around the corner.[/QUOTE]
Halloween is just around the corner.[/QUOTE]
1060.) Swamp Fox - 10/26/2017
LOL...
1061.) Swamp Fox - 10/26/2017
One year ago today, Herself tweeted this:
[B][COLOR="#FF0000"]Yesterday, she got this reply: [/COLOR][/B]
Happy birthday to this future president. pic.twitter.com/JT3HiBjYdj
— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) October 26, 2016
[B][COLOR="#FF0000"]Yesterday, she got this reply: [/COLOR][/B]
A Year in the Life pic.twitter.com/8Bf6n9dRi1
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) October 25, 2017
1062.) bluecat - 10/26/2017
LOL!
Jeez, all I want for my birthday is 20% of the nations uranium.
Is that asking a lot?
Jeez, all I want for my birthday is 20% of the nations uranium.
Is that asking a lot?
1063.) Swamp Fox - 10/26/2017
Instead, she wins anything on the top shelf, which in this aisle means a year's supply of toilet tissue.
1064.) Swamp Fox - 10/30/2017
Breaking: "Paul Manafort Admits 'I've Lived My Life as a Gay Man,' vows to go after NRA."
— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) October 30, 2017
1065.) DParker - 10/30/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;52792]
[/QUOTE]
LOL!
Breaking: "Paul Manafort Admits 'I've Lived My Life as a Gay Man,' vows to go after NRA."
— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) October 30, 2017
[/QUOTE]
LOL!
1066.) bluecat - 10/30/2017
1067.) Swamp Fox - 10/31/2017
A guy goes to a Halloween party with nothing but a girl on his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asks.
"I'm a snail," says the guy.
"How's anybody supposed to get that?" scoffs the host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?"
"That's not just any girl, buddy," says the guy slowly. "That's Michelle."
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asks.
"I'm a snail," says the guy.
"How's anybody supposed to get that?" scoffs the host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?"
"That's not just any girl, buddy," says the guy slowly. "That's Michelle."
1068.) bluecat - 10/31/2017
Okay, we'll give you a bye because it is Halloween. +2
1069.) bluecat - 10/31/2017
fascinating
1070.) bluecat - 10/31/2017
1071.) Swamp Fox - 10/31/2017
A fat black bear walks into a bar and climbs up on a stool.
He looks at the bartender for a moment and says, "I'll have ... a beer."
The bartender starts the pour and says, "Sure, chief ... But what's with the big pause?"
He looks at the bartender for a moment and says, "I'll have ... a beer."
The bartender starts the pour and says, "Sure, chief ... But what's with the big pause?"
1072.) Swamp Fox - 10/31/2017
That Sessions meme is great! +4
1073.) Swamp Fox - 10/31/2017
For DP:
1074.) DParker - 10/31/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;52817][/QUOTE]
LOL!
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;52820]For DP:
[/QUOTE]
I'm no doctor, buy I think I can cure him.
[/QUOTE]LOL!
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;52820]For DP:
[/QUOTE]I'm no doctor, buy I think I can cure him.
1075.) bluecat - 10/31/2017
[QUOTE=DParker;52828]LOL!
I'm no doctor, buy I think I can cure him.[/QUOTE]
+3 :-)
I'm no doctor, buy I think I can cure him.[/QUOTE]
+3 :-)
1076.) Swamp Fox - 10/31/2017
He didn't fare so well in the joke-telling portion of the program.
The judges dinged him for a choppy delivery ...
The judges dinged him for a choppy delivery ...
1077.) Swamp Fox - 10/31/2017
It was quite a feet for him to shoulder the hamiliation, after he became the butt of jokes himself ...
1078.) bluecat - 11/01/2017
DP is such a ham.
1079.) Swamp Fox - 11/01/2017
His bark is worse than his bite.
Really, the ability to take a ribbing is a sign of good character.
Really, the ability to take a ribbing is a sign of good character.
1080.) bluecat - 11/01/2017
He seems like a seasoned veteran.
1081.) bluecat - 11/01/2017
With his recent purchase of his truck, all of his electronic gear and his Sous Vida, he seems to be living "high on the hog".
1082.) DParker - 11/01/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;52835]His bark is worse than his bite.
Really, the ability to take a ribbing is a sign of good character.[/QUOTE]
You can rest assured that there will be no reporkussions for it.
Really, the ability to take a ribbing is a sign of good character.[/QUOTE]
You can rest assured that there will be no reporkussions for it.
1083.) Swamp Fox - 11/01/2017
[QUOTE=bluecat;52837]With his recent purchase of his truck, all of his electronic gear and his Sous Vida, he seems to be living "high on the hog".[/QUOTE]
If he gets in a jam, he can always hock it.
[QUOTE=DParker;52839]You can rest assured that there will be no reporkussions for it.[/QUOTE]
:-) .... +4 ...Maybe +5
If he gets in a jam, he can always hock it.
[QUOTE=DParker;52839]You can rest assured that there will be no reporkussions for it.[/QUOTE]
:-) .... +4 ...Maybe +5
1084.) bluecat - 11/01/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;52853]If he gets in a jam, he can always hock it.
[/QUOTE]
Or break open his piggy bank.
[/QUOTE]
Or break open his piggy bank.
1085.) Swamp Fox - 11/02/2017
Not sure if Crookedeye has told this one already or not:
A Polish guy named Stan goes to the DMV to renew his driver's license, and had to take an eye test.
The examiner displayed a card with the letters ''C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.''
"Can you read that?" he asked.
''Read it?'' Stan replied, ''I know the guy.''
A Polish guy named Stan goes to the DMV to renew his driver's license, and had to take an eye test.
The examiner displayed a card with the letters ''C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.''
"Can you read that?" he asked.
''Read it?'' Stan replied, ''I know the guy.''
1086.) bluecat - 11/02/2017
1087.) Swamp Fox - 11/02/2017
LOL!
1088.) Swamp Fox - 11/06/2017
Why is Kevin Spacey so bad at Hide and Seek?
He comes out at the wrong time.
He comes out at the wrong time.
1089.) DParker - 11/06/2017
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;52935]Why is Kevin Spacey so bad at Hide and Seek?
He comes out at the wrong time.[/QUOTE]
He comes out at the wrong time.[/QUOTE]
1090.) Swamp Fox - 12/02/2017
34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point https://t.co/t5IKOrMXNd pic.twitter.com/wMiSIlluSR
— The Onion (@TheOnion) November 30, 2017
1091.) Swamp Fox - 12/14/2017
[video]http://www.theblaze.com/video/watch-elffy-fisher-accuses-santa-of-harassment-he-favored-the-obesely-challenged[/video]
1092.) Swamp Fox - 12/14/2017
Sexual Harassment Strikes The North Pole:
[video]http://www.theblaze.com/video/watch-elffy-fisher-accuses-santa-of-harassment-he-favored-the-obesely-challenged[/video]
[video]http://www.theblaze.com/video/watch-elffy-fisher-accuses-santa-of-harassment-he-favored-the-obesely-challenged[/video]
1093.) Swamp Fox - 12/16/2017
1094.) Swamp Fox - 12/29/2017
[God creating spiders]
"Give it eight legs."
Seems excessive, but O.K.
"And eight eyes."
You need to calm down a lil ...
"Give it a butt rope."
"Give it eight legs."
Seems excessive, but O.K.
"And eight eyes."
You need to calm down a lil ...
"Give it a butt rope."
1095.) Swamp Fox - 12/29/2017
1096.) DParker - 12/30/2017
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
1097.) Swamp Fox - 12/30/2017
LOL! I have a vague memory of a version of that joke from somewhere.
:applause::applause::applause:
Well, it's been nice knowin' ya ...
:p
:applause::applause::applause:
Well, it's been nice knowin' ya ...
:p
1098.) bluecat - 12/30/2017
That joke is triggering me. LOL! Good one DP.
1099.) Swamp Fox - 12/30/2017
Never gets old ....
1100.) Swamp Fox - 01/03/2018
— The Mullet 2.018 (@anthymspirit) January 3, 2018
1101.) bluecat - 01/03/2018
+ 10 at least, hilarious
1102.) Swamp Fox - 01/08/2018
Thanks mom pic.twitter.com/RIkjJ3fz24
— Matt Dawson (@SaintRPh) January 8, 2018
1103.) The Old Man2 - 06/17/2018
A couple were invited to a costume party but had no costume. The guy says " I still have my khakis from when I was in the service. You wear the shirt and I'll wear the pants. We'll be an upper and lower GI."
1104.) The Old Man2 - 06/17/2018
I can't believe you guys let this thread go 5 months without a post.
1105.) Swamp Fox - 06/18/2018
[QUOTE=The Old Man2;56244]A couple were invited to a costume party but had no costume. The guy says " I still have my khakis from when I was in the service. You wear the shirt and I'll wear the pants. We'll be an upper and lower GI."[/QUOTE]
LOL ...+3
LOL ...+3
1106.) Swamp Fox - 06/18/2018
[QUOTE=The Old Man2;56245]I can't believe you guys let this thread go 5 months without a post.[/QUOTE]
We needed more audience participation ...
We needed more audience participation ...
1107.) The Old Man2 - 06/19/2018
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
1108.) DParker - 06/19/2018
LOL!
1109.) The Old Man2 - 06/19/2018
A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you." Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty." "That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
1110.) bluecat - 06/19/2018
Chuckle, chuckle
1111.) Swamp Fox - 10/06/2021
An old cowboy surfs onto a Pennsylvania archery hunting forum by mistake...
He lurks for a while, and sips his Jack Daniels.
After a bit of thinking, he decides to make his first post.
In all caps, he types out, "HEY! Y'ALL WANNA HEAR A SADDLE JOKE?"
The forum immediately falls absolutely silent for an hour.
Finally, a moderator comes on line and posts:
[QUOTE]Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are new, that you should know five things:
I'm a forum moderator with 11 years in a sling. I have the power to ban anyone I want.
Two of our regulars who are on line right now sell tree saddles and tree saddle accessories. One of them is a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The other one is her wife.
The guy who owns this forum just sold all his treestands and invested in a rope company.
And the leading poster here is also a big deal over at ArcheryTalk, and an influencer on Instagram.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still want to tell that saddle joke?
[/QUOTE]
The old cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, typing :[QUOTE]No...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times...[/QUOTE]
He lurks for a while, and sips his Jack Daniels.
After a bit of thinking, he decides to make his first post.
In all caps, he types out, "HEY! Y'ALL WANNA HEAR A SADDLE JOKE?"
The forum immediately falls absolutely silent for an hour.
Finally, a moderator comes on line and posts:
[QUOTE]Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are new, that you should know five things:
I'm a forum moderator with 11 years in a sling. I have the power to ban anyone I want.
Two of our regulars who are on line right now sell tree saddles and tree saddle accessories. One of them is a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The other one is her wife.
The guy who owns this forum just sold all his treestands and invested in a rope company.
And the leading poster here is also a big deal over at ArcheryTalk, and an influencer on Instagram.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still want to tell that saddle joke?
[/QUOTE]
The old cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, typing :[QUOTE]No...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times...[/QUOTE]
1112.) bluecat - 10/06/2021
You've got some big mothballs fella.
1113.) DParker - 10/06/2021
A guy goes to a psychiatrist and is given a Rorschach test. When shown the first inkblot and asked what he sees he responds, "Two people having sex." When shown the second one he responds, "Two people having sex."
He gives the exact same answer for the 3rd, 4th and 5th inkblots.
At this point the the shrink stops and tells him, "You have a dirty mind."
His patient responds indignantly, "Me?! You're the one showing me porn!"
He gives the exact same answer for the 3rd, 4th and 5th inkblots.
At this point the the shrink stops and tells him, "You have a dirty mind."
His patient responds indignantly, "Me?! You're the one showing me porn!"
1114.) bluecat - 10/06/2021
Oh, that was good.
1115.) Swamp Fox - 10/07/2021
Lol ....
1116.) Swamp Fox - 10/07/2021
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps up, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips."
"When she walks into a room, everybody says, 'Oh My God!'"
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps up, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips."
"When she walks into a room, everybody says, 'Oh My God!'"
1117.) bluecat - 10/07/2021
That's ALMOST as funny as post #102. lol
1118.) Swamp Fox - 10/07/2021
:omg:
Sorry ... Like Biden, I was unaware ... It's just such a great joke ....
Sorry ... Like Biden, I was unaware ... It's just such a great joke ....
1119.) bluecat - 10/07/2021
Let's Go Brandon!
1120.) DParker - 10/07/2021
[QUOTE=bluecat;64866]Let's Go Brandon![/QUOTE]
Fastest thinking reporter ever.
Fastest thinking reporter ever.
1121.) DParker - 10/07/2021
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;64865]:omg:
Sorry ... Like Biden, I was unaware ... It's just such a great joke ....[/QUOTE]
Plus you added the detail of St. Peter's Square, which brought value.
Sorry ... Like Biden, I was unaware ... It's just such a great joke ....[/QUOTE]
Plus you added the detail of St. Peter's Square, which brought value.
1122.) bluecat - 10/07/2021
[QUOTE=DParker;64867]Fastest thinking reporter ever.[/QUOTE]
I agree, she was pretty sharp. This whole thing is getting bigger and bigger, lol. Have you ordered your "Let's Go Brandon T-Shirt" yet?
I agree, she was pretty sharp. This whole thing is getting bigger and bigger, lol. Have you ordered your "Let's Go Brandon T-Shirt" yet?
1123.) bluecat - 10/07/2021
When Biden said, "Not that I'm aware of", everyone knew that he was lying.
Watch any episode of Cops.
"Is there anything in there that I need to know about?"
"Not that I know of."
Illegal contraband is found 100% of the time.
Watch any episode of Cops.
"Is there anything in there that I need to know about?"
"Not that I know of."
Illegal contraband is found 100% of the time.
1124.) bluecat - 10/07/2021
"Did any Generals say you shouldn't pull out of Afghanistan?"
"Not that I'm aware of."
Biden is a joke so I'm listing him here in this thread.
"Not that I'm aware of."
Biden is a joke so I'm listing him here in this thread.
1125.) DParker - 10/07/2021
[QUOTE=bluecat;64870]When Biden said, "Not that I'm aware of", everyone knew that he was lying.
Watch any episode of Cops.
"Is there anything in there that I need to know about?"
"Not that I know of."
Illegal contraband is found 100% of the time.[/QUOTE]
I'm waiting for him to declare, "These aren't my pants!"
Watch any episode of Cops.
"Is there anything in there that I need to know about?"
"Not that I know of."
Illegal contraband is found 100% of the time.[/QUOTE]
I'm waiting for him to declare, "These aren't my pants!"
1126.) bluecat - 10/07/2021
I got that. + 5
1127.) Swamp Fox - 10/07/2021
[QUOTE=bluecat;64869]I agree, she was pretty sharp. This whole thing is getting bigger and bigger, lol. Have you ordered your "Let's Go Brandon T-Shirt" yet?[/QUOTE]
Guarantee somebody is going as Brandon for Halloween ... :grin:
Guarantee somebody is going as Brandon for Halloween ... :grin:
1128.) Swamp Fox - 10/08/2021
1129.) Swamp Fox - 11/11/2021
This knucklehead was President of the United States:
[QUOTE]Obama Mixes Up Ireland, Scotland and Shakespeare During Climate Speech
“Solving a problem this big, this complex and this important has never happened all at once,” Obama said during a speech at the COP26 conference in Scotland’s most populous city. “Since we’re in the Emerald Isles here, let me quote the bard, William Shakespeare. ‘What wound,’ he writes, ‘did ever heal but by degrees.'”
The problem: The Emerald Isles refer to Ireland. And Shakespeare, the 16th-century poet, hailed from England — not Scotland or Ireland.
[url]https://www.mediaite.com/politics/obama-mixes-up-ireland-scotland-and-shakespeare-during-climate-speech/[/url][/QUOTE]
Yeah, well the other problem is he didn't get "mixed up." The dumb-ass doesn't know what he's talking about, but he thought he'd be clever in that professorial, nose-in-the-air, grand orator manner of his.
Somebody call him a corpseman -- he's toast.
[QUOTE]Obama Mixes Up Ireland, Scotland and Shakespeare During Climate Speech
“Solving a problem this big, this complex and this important has never happened all at once,” Obama said during a speech at the COP26 conference in Scotland’s most populous city. “Since we’re in the Emerald Isles here, let me quote the bard, William Shakespeare. ‘What wound,’ he writes, ‘did ever heal but by degrees.'”
The problem: The Emerald Isles refer to Ireland. And Shakespeare, the 16th-century poet, hailed from England — not Scotland or Ireland.
[url]https://www.mediaite.com/politics/obama-mixes-up-ireland-scotland-and-shakespeare-during-climate-speech/[/url][/QUOTE]
Yeah, well the other problem is he didn't get "mixed up." The dumb-ass doesn't know what he's talking about, but he thought he'd be clever in that professorial, nose-in-the-air, grand orator manner of his.
Somebody call him a corpseman -- he's toast.
1130.) DParker - 11/11/2021
But no mean tweets!
1131.) Swamp Fox - 11/11/2021
LOL ... Exactly ... :wink
1132.) Swamp Fox - 03/21/2022
Will Obama pay the price for his imbecility?
[video]https://twitter.com/i/status/1505695688918646784[/video]
Just thought I'd add this as a postscript --- Not to stick another knife in, or anything ... :
[url]https://www.bizpacreview.com/2022/02/22/obamas-smart-alec-response-to-romney-on-russia-comes-back-to-bite-1204408/[/url]
[video]https://twitter.com/i/status/1505695688918646784[/video]
Just thought I'd add this as a postscript --- Not to stick another knife in, or anything ... :
[url]https://www.bizpacreview.com/2022/02/22/obamas-smart-alec-response-to-romney-on-russia-comes-back-to-bite-1204408/[/url]
1133.) DParker - 03/21/2022
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;66078]Will Obama pay the price for his imbecility?
[video]https://twitter.com/i/status/1505695688918646784[/video][/QUOTE]
+10.
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;66078]Just thought I'd add this as a postscript --- Not to stick another knife in, or anything ... :
[url]https://www.bizpacreview.com/2022/02/22/obamas-smart-alec-response-to-romney-on-russia-comes-back-to-bite-1204408/[/url][/QUOTE]
Yeah, that one's been going around for some time now...with some of the most entertaining rationalizing mental gymnastics by Obama fans in response.
[video]https://twitter.com/i/status/1505695688918646784[/video][/QUOTE]
+10.
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;66078]Just thought I'd add this as a postscript --- Not to stick another knife in, or anything ... :
[url]https://www.bizpacreview.com/2022/02/22/obamas-smart-alec-response-to-romney-on-russia-comes-back-to-bite-1204408/[/url][/QUOTE]
Yeah, that one's been going around for some time now...with some of the most entertaining rationalizing mental gymnastics by Obama fans in response.