1.) Wild Bob - 06/18/2015

OK, so I can't claim any connection or tie to this little story...I robbed it from another site that frequent (sorry HC, I admit it...I do hang in more than one place at times :shh:).

Anyhow, knowing the fondness expressed for Chili around here by most of you guys; I thought you'd get a kick out of this little story, I know I did. :-)

So here it is:

From: trapper

Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Michigan



If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) –– Holy crap, what the (This word is unacceptable on Trapperman) is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT … just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili.=2. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good=2 balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report

2.) DParker - 06/18/2015

An oldie but a goodie (save for the change from Texas to New Mexico....I mean....really....). :tu:

3.) billy b - 06/18/2015

yea, that one has been around a few years but I can't help but laugh every time I read it.

4.) Swamp Fox - 06/18/2015

LOL...


:-)

5.) Wild Bob - 06/18/2015

Hahhahahahahha! That's funny, see I'm so out of it; that I've never run across this before. And you wonder how I didn't know about the 'Puffy Shirt Gig!'

I learn something new every day! LOL :re:

6.) Swamp Fox - 06/18/2015

[QUOTE=Wild Bob;32630] I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone

[/QUOTE]


Thanks for the tip...A pleasant 110 today...

LOL

7.) Wild Bob - 06/18/2015

[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;32635]Thanks for the tip...A pleasant 110 today...

LOL[/QUOTE]

You so funny! :-)

8.) Swamp Fox - 06/18/2015

You wonder what people did in the summer before snow cones...


:p

9.) Wild Bob - 06/18/2015

No, I'm wondering how you did that neat little trick...

10.) Wild Bob - 06/18/2015

:-)

:tap:

:pop:

11.) Swamp Fox - 06/18/2015

I could tell ya, but it would suck all the fun right out of it...LOL

:wink

12.) Wild Bob - 06/19/2015

Sure, there's always gotta be a chump to pull the slick ones on. :clap:

13.) Swamp Fox - 06/19/2015

Hey, don't think I haven't been in the barrel before...


LOL

14.) Wild Bob - 06/19/2015

I hear ya...it's a dirty job, but somebodys gotta do it. :-)